Monday, May 30, 2011

a dream is a wish your heart makes... [then you have to accomplish on your own]

Sometimes, I wonder how I got here... to this place in which I'm stuck complaining about my inability to run. I mean, if I backtrack just a few years, I was happy to sit in front of the television all day long eating cookie dough. Let's backtrack even further... McDonalds, Arby's, Dairy Queen... I loved it all. My weight ballooned into obesity while I was still in high school. No wonder I still have issues with food & my insecurities aren't so easy to beat. I just don't understand how I went from that point to this point. I mean, it's not like I spend 20 hours a day at the gym- but I am doing my damnedest to get myself into the best shape that I can. I am pretty sure that one of the  biggest problems is that I can't just make a lifestyle change that easily.

It sounds easy though. Eat right. Buy healthy foods. Get enough sleep. Work out. Pretty simple. I wish that I could do it in that simple of a manner. But, I drive by an Arby's, and all I want is an order of curly fries and a roast beef sandwhich... and hell, while I'm at it, why not a beef-n-cheddar. Might as well go all out. Sometimes, I falter. Other times, I don't. I'm practically food obsessed. It's not as simple as calories in and calories out for me. I have to think and rethink everything... then I feel guilty about it. It's really a terrible cycle.. the kind of cycle that is beyond difficult to pull myself out of. Ugh.

I feel like a peaceful feeling is coming over me, though. I've been doing a better job about food choices, first of all. (yay me!) Second, I've just been feeling more motivated and less hopeless as of late. I've been killing it in my workouts- even just average at home weight lifting with some core exercises (plank, etc.). My body feels like it is on fire and I'm ecstatic about it. I feel really positive about the changes that I'm making... and trust me, positivity is a huge deal in my life.

I just wish that I was seeing the results that I want to see. I wish that I saw huge changes in my weight daily. I don't see much change at all. I know that there are other factors that go into that, but it's still really frustrating. I look at my body and don't see anything that looks different- and I don't feel too positive when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm expecting too much out of myself, I guess. I know that it takes time to see changes. I'm one of the most impatient people that I know, while also being beyond a perfectionist. Is there something past a perfectionist? That would be me. That's where the frustration lies.

HOWEVER... back to my positivity. I look at the changes that I have made, the races that I have done, the medals I have earned, the weight I've left behind, and I'm ecstatic. I have accomplished a lot in a few years. Plus two Bachelors Degrees and the entrance to graduate school... plus many other personal accomplishments. I guess that I've pushed myself pretty far. I can look behind myself and see all of that. I feel like I'm definitely on the right road.. that I can accomplish a lot of things. I just can't give up. No way.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I'm one of those people who sets goals. lots of goals. Some of those goals being beyond what regular people set for themselves. I want to be something huge, I guess. I do feel like I can do big things. Right now, I've been feeling a rare sense of motivation.. and possibility for myself. I just hope that the feeling sticks around.

[Kath, me, Aladdin, and Jasmine... four big dreamers.]

1 comment:

  1. I love your enthusiasm in this post. I know food is a struggle. I know that reading workout books and books about food help to motivate you more and that's awesome too that you have realized this. I know that sometimes I give into your food temptation witout really thinking about it because it is just so much easier to go out to eat somewhere. I will continue to try to be there for you. I love you!