Friday, June 17, 2011

hugeeee breakthrough at the gym.

Today and yesterday, I killed it in the gym. No joke. In fact, you could say I had a breakthrough yesterday that carried over into today.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Actually, I had a rough week for many reasons... including school, work, being away from my family when family members were very ill, and so on. My stress level was pretty much through the roof. But, I agreed to meet Mark, my trainer, at the gym for a session before my class.

The first thing that he said that we were going to do was the stairmaster for 20 minutes. Then he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think that I'd be able to do it for the entire 20 minutes. I'm a stubborn person, actually. Sometimes, I will go out of my way to prove that I can do something that I've been told I can't or shouldn't be able to do (like move to Florida. ha.). Actually, he went on to say that most of his clients could only do 8-10 minutes on the stair master maximum.

When I got to about 12 or 13 minutes, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. I had almost given up on myself, but for some reason I didn't. At any point, I could have hopped right off of the machine. Actually, I got really mad that Mark didn't stop the machine for me so I could quit. Somehow, I pushed through it. Sweat was coming out of every pore of my body. I had sweat puddles in my hands. That's disgusting actually. That was probably my second biggest exercise related breakthrough that I have had. Ever. Second to Goofy's Challenge in January.

I have so many goals in my life that I don't want to cut short due to obesity. Knowing that obesity has become such an American epidemic, it scares the hell out of me.. knowing that I was close to 200 pounds a few years ago... scares the hell out of me, too. I feel like I'm still fighting my weight and I am. Every day, I have to choose between whether to drink a liter of Mountain Dew or to fill up my water bottle for the day. Between Kath and I, we go through 8 gallons of water in about a week and a half. That's a lot of water. It's a struggle making healthy decisions every day of my life. Actually, there are so many times that I don't make a good decision and it's frustrating. I try to pick myself up and keep going though.

That's what kept me going on the stairmaster. Actually, it was that and thinking about my uncle who was hospitalized for an extremely high blood sugar and a new diagnosis of diabetes. I've always wanted to inspire people. I've wanted to make a difference. Maybe if I keep going, I will continue to inspire people to change their lives. I have so much knowledge that I can share. I'd love it if my entire family could live the healthiest that is possible for them. I'm not saying that it's in the cards for everyone I know to become vegan, but everyone has little changes that can be made. It is for sure a possibility.

I also learned that my little brother wants to run a marathon and that he even bought running shoes.  I'm ecstatic for him. It would be so cool to run a race with my mom and all three of my siblings someday. I hope it's in the cards.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

another day, another work out.

I'm going to pretend to be really full of myself and pretend that I inspire Kath sometimes. I'm mostly just saying that because it's nearing midnight and she's lifting weights. [if i'm wrong, then i'm wrong, but it's doubtful. ha.]

I'm getting back into my exercise regime. Granted, I've been sick and overwhelmed for a few days... and today I have been still a little overwhelmed, though less sick, but I actually spent a good amount of time lifting. I also had a decent lunch rather than eating in the cafeteria, which saves me calories AND money. Yeah me! I didn't exactly eat the most healthily after work, but sometimes splurging is okay, I think. I am recognizing my choice as a splurge rather than a weakness and I'm moving on. So that's a step forward for me too.

I'm working on a research study on obesity. There is actually a section on called eatocracy. That's interesting. Random fact. ha.

I miss running. :( I'm starting to really worry that I won't ever be able to do any races again. That would suck. Too much. There has to be a way to push past the pain and be able to run again. I feel like I've done everything in my ability to let it heal and I'm starting to feel extremely impatient. I'm going to make an appointment to see someone soon. No joke this time. I'm going to follow through in the next week or two, whenever I have a day off from work and school.. or at least a day off from work.

Well... I'm about to fall asleep writing so that's that. Until tomorrow, faithful readers.

Friday, June 10, 2011


Tonight, I'm going to do some lifting with my arms.

Though I am exhausted. One important thing is that I continue to work toward my goals, even when life can be overwhelming. It certainly has been overwhelming for the last week or so. I guess it's good that I've been fortunate enough to be given so many big chances.

Thus, I'm going to do some lifting... only a little bit, because my goals are achievable. It's important that I don't give up in achieving things. & I won't.

... and I continue to try to inspire myself every day. I try so hard. Sometimes, I almost convince myself that I can achieve things.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Sick and disappointed.

I am sick today. Actually, I haven't felt this sick since I started my epilepsy medicine. My entire brain aches. I had hoped to get a lot accomplished today, but unfortunately, I did not have the energy. I hardly have had enough energy to get out of bed or even sit up. It's terrible.

I'm just disappointed that I haven't worked out today. I set a one month goal and I'm not going to be able to finish it. That sucks. Eh. Whatever.

Here are my race medals. Just a little photo since I can hardly think enough to write anything of substance whatsoever.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

grumpy gills

Life is exhausting. Sometimes, I do wonder if I have too much on my plate. Maybe I want too much for myself. Maybe my dreams are unattainable. I don't know today.

I don't know why I'm trying so hard to be fit. I don't understand why I read about it, think about it, act on it, spend money on it. I don't know why I love running races. If I didn't spend so much time working out, I'd have an extra 45 minutes to an hour or more to do something else. To eat. Brownies. Cookies. French Fries. Damn it. I just want to eat some brownies.

Ugh. I have nothing positive to say. Today went by too quickly. There's no time left. My time management skills flew out the window. I felt like an idiot in class and had nothing to contribute to discussion, and on and on and on and on.

I'm just a grumpy gills tonight.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

keep on pushing through.

Life is draining.
Thankfully, I didn't get much sleep last night and was able to get a lot done in the morning. Ok, I'm not that thankful that I didn't get very much sleep, but I am thankful that I got to do a little bit of lifting in the morning and I'm going to do a little more before I go to bed tonight. I'm definitely feeling the afterburn from my workout last night. My legs are tired. I'm glad, however, that the pain isn't as bad as I thought it would be. That's a definite sign that my body is improving. Yay for that news!

I'm starting to get a little bit more comfortable in my body. Honestly, I have worn more pairs of shorts in the last two months than I have in the last five years. That's not to say that I'm completely comfortable in my own skin but that I'm getting to that point. I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful that I have the opportunities that I have been given, even though life is a struggle at times. It definitely is.

I just keep trying to push through.

Monday, June 6, 2011

beyond ambitious

 I just got back from the gym. I had a training session that went pretty well. It was legs, which is usually really tough. Since my legs are the weakest part of my body, my work out was tough. It gets sort of embarassing when my trainer asks me to do a certain exercise and my legs start shaking uncontrollable. I do wish that I had a little more strength in my legs so that I wouldn't have to deal with my legs shaking like that. It's obvious that my muscles need a lot more work.

The workout went pretty well, which was great. I did struggle quite a bit, but was able to push through and complete all of the exercises. I can definitely sense changes within myself while I have been doing these sessions and while I've been exercising on my own, but I wish that changes happened sooner. Hell, I wish that I could wake up in the morning and have the exact body that I want. I have to work at it, though. The most unfortunate part of it all is that it takes such an extravagant amount of time and work. It's not like I can just dedicate all of my time every day to exercise. It's sort of unfortunate, honestly.

I have been working really hard on my body strength. Every day, I've exercised for at least 20 minutes. I'm so glad that I have stuck to this change in my life. It would have been so easy for me to have given up and stopped all of this, especially after all of the frustration from the inability to continue running. I am SO frustrated that I haven't been able to run lately. So. Frustrated. Actually, to the point that it feels like all I ever talk about in this blog is my sprained ankle, wah wah wah. I could have just given up and spent my time laying around, but I haven't. I'm glad with the changes that I have made. I'm also glad that I'm healing a little bit. I'm so looking forward to getting out there and running regularly again.

I'm definitely working on my time management skills. Today is a prime example. I've been trying to find ways to use every free minute to it's fullest extent. Today, I got up, read some news online while I got dressed, then went to work. I was scheduled until 5:15, but was able to get done about 30 minutes early, so I got to hurry home for my training session. I got home, got dressed, and left within just a little bit of time. I was a little late to my training session, which I was disappointed in, but I'm at least fortunate that I got there and got to work out. Like I said before, my legs were literally shaking at the end of the work out. I know that means that I'm pushing my boundaries and I KNOW that's positive. It's just really tough sometimes, because I want to see changes in me, but they are coming slowly. I'm possibly one of the most impatient people that I know. Quite possibly. I just wish I could have a few extra hours in the day in order to effectively manage my time, in order to reach more of my goals.

I feel that I'm a goal oriented person. Today, though, I've wondered if I've set my sights too high. Maybe my goals are unreachable. Goodness, I hope not. I want to be athletic. I want to run more marathons. I want to be Boston Qualified. I dream of being a certified SCUBA diver, a triathlete, maybe a personal trainer. I want to write novels, to be a professor, to make a difference. I want to organize events for epilepsy awareness.

I hope that one day I can reach all of these goals and more. I want to make a difference in the world. That had been my dream for my entire life. I know that I can reach it. I just have to continue to push myself as hard as I can. There is no option. If I do my best, work my hardest, there is no option but success... at least at some point in the future.

too tired.

I'm exhausted.

Unfortunately, my workout for today has not been anything extravagant. I've just done some stretching. If you can count work as exercise, I did a lot of walking and plenty of lifting. I did some stairs. haha. However, I have been gone for 14 or so hours and I'm exhausted. I have studying to do and sleep to get so I can start it all over tomorrow. I am fortunate to have a job, though, and I'm very lucky that my body works enough to allow me to move all day long.

Also, although I feel like today was a cop out of a workout... by just stretching my aching muscles, that's okay, because yoga is important to so many people. Sometimes, I do need to slow down and look at things through a different light. I am trying.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

running has been a weight off my shoulders...

Good gracious, my body hurts today. I expected to be sore after 10+ hours of work yesterday combined with some exercise and an abundance of stress. However, I didn't expect to be in so much pain. I'm reminded of some of the pain that I was in a few years ago when I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now. I do know that there is still weight that needs to be lost and that I'm definitely not to the point that I need to be at in order to be as healthy as I could be. However, I also hate the feeling that I am in an overwhelming amount of pain that it is hard to walk from my car to my front door. I definitely need to figure out where the pain is coming from. I don't want to be 25 and incapable of movement. That would be awful.

The good news is that the pain isn't to the same extent that it was a few years ago. I used to have to literally crawl to bed after work. That sounds horrendous and I guess that it really was. Thinking back, I guess that I should have gone to the doctor about the pain that I was in. I would have just heard that I needed to lose weight and I have. However, I'm still not even in a healthy weight range. That's scary for someone who hasn't even hit 25 years old yet. Actually, it's terrifying. I look at my family and see obesity running rampant. I don't want that. I already have a diagnosis of epilepsy, a disorder that took my otherwise healthy father's life. I don't want obesity to add to the problems that I'm facing. I can't have that. I'm glad that I've started to make that change, but it is SO frustrating that it isn't easy. The difficulties in my fitness level and my weight loss stress me out more than many other things, besides my GPA. [ha]

I'm just hopeful that I never get to the awful point in which I have to consider weight loss surgery in order to have my health. I'm not at the point right now. Actually, I'm nowhere close. I only have 30 more pounds to lose in order to hit my goal weight. That's not terrible. I'm not terrible far away from being in a "healthy" bmi weight range. That's good news. I can just see a cycle in society and within my own family, which scares the hell out of me. Maybe that's why I turned to running.. as an escape. But that's okay. I mean, hell, if I'm getting healthy, that's what I need. Running has become something of an escape to me, too. I'm glad that I have it, because I do truly enjoy running. I certainly enjoy the endorphins that come from a good long run. I LOVE racing. I love having goals to push myself to. It's fantastic.

That's why my ankle sprain has been so painful [both physically and emotionally]. It really was something that has become a huge part of my life over the past two years. Running changed my life. I just wish I could have it back soon. Actually, I wish I could have it back tomorrow. Now if I could just achieve patience....

Friday, June 3, 2011

the courage to start.

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham
It's been a long day. My body aches from work and my muscles feel like they want to fall off my body. However, they're still there.

My wisdom for the day is that.. sometimes, it is really hard to keep working out, to keep going, to push through. There are days that I don't want to lift weights or move more than I have to. But I do. That's what is important.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

trying to motivate myself to run again.

It seems like my ankle had some kind of horrible reaction to the tape that I was using for it. I have an itchy rash all over my foot and ankle, plus my skin is sort of rough and disgusting. If it isn't one thing, it's another with that ankle. I'm starting to worry that I'll never be able to run again. That's just my negativity talking. I know that I'll get out and run again. Naturally, I'll have to. It's the only way that I will be able to accomplish all of my lofty goals. haha.

I'm at least glad that I've been able to find other ways to get myself to the point that I want to. Weight lifting and other exercises have definitely been making a difference in my life. My body image is getting a little bit better, too. I am getting a little bit concerned about working my leg muscles at the same rate as my arms. Naturally, with grad school, work, studying, and everything else, I don't have time to go out to the gym daily. That cuts out a lot of the machines that I would be using for my legs. I am trying to be able to change up my exercises regularly and still work my leg muscles too. All of the noticeable changes thus far have been in my arms and my stomach, which is GREAT, but I'd like to see changes in my legs too. If I could run again, that would definitely solve that problem, but my ankle hurts every other day.

I'm writing a paper about governmental policy and interventions dealing with obesity in the United States... and naturally, with perfect timing, the food pyramid changed to a food plate today. That will definitely add quite an interesting angle to my research. I'm excited about it for sure. Most of my papers lately have dealt with social media, because that's primarily where my research interests lie, but my class this summer is a comm & government class, so I couldn't really figure out how to fit blogging or twitter into that box. I'm definitely interested in the fitness field (obviously), and learning more about it will definitely just drive that further.

I am interested to see how long this food plate lasts. I don't know a whole lot about it yet, just that it's already being highly criticized. I guess that I will find out a lot more about it while I'm researching all summer long.

I wish I could sign up for some races. I definitely need a race to motivate me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I can with the ankle pain that I'm in. I'm considering trying to find a short race- a 5k or something in order to get myself back out there again. I feel like I need to start slowly in that manner. Naturally, combined with lots of ice. haha. Maybe I will look into that tomorrow or Saturday. It's actually not a terrible idea.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Big dreamers can do big things.

I didn't participate in National Running Day like I intended to. Frankly, I am disappointed in myself. I feel like there was more that I could have done to really commemorate the day. My original intention was to go to the gym. Little did I know that my book for class would be a pain in the rear to get ahold of and I had to stay home until the mail came in order to get it and read it before class (yeah.... and it won't even be here until tomorrow anyways. Ugh!!). That excuse is sort of lame. So, I decided to either go to the gym in the morning and come back to study for my quiz [that ended up being postponed] or to just run-walk [i am still trying to allow my ankle maximum healing time] outside for an hour or so in between studying. I ended up pretty much deciding just to run outside for a while nad do some weight training in my apartment in order to save maximum time.

So. I got up, read a little bit, had my vitamins, grabbed some breakfast and a big water bottle, and sat down at my computer to start my school work. About 20 minutes into that, I heard rain. I looked out the window and it was pouring. So, I figured I'd give it an hour and the rain would stop. Then, I heard that it was thundering... then I was reading the news and saw that there were bad storms coming through. So frustrating. Then the ankle pain started.... Needless to say, I didn't make it outside and I didn't make it to the gym. I'm for sure frustrated with myself for not going, because, although some of it was out of my control, I could have made some changes and done some things differently in order to ensure that I ran today, but I didn't. I am trying to take it easy on my ankle, though, because I do want to run again someday. It wouldn't be worth it to push myself too hard and never be able to run again. That would suck.

I am still doing my daily workouts though. I have a little over two weeks left of my month of daily work outs. It was a goal that I set for myself after I read someone else's blog in which they set a goal for a month for themselves. I think that it's an interesting idea to try to change yourself by making a fairly short term goal. I think that it opens a lot of possibilities for learning and changing. After this month is up, I will probably try to continue working out at least a little bit daily, but also adding another month long goal. I haven't really decided what my next goal will be, though. I have a few weeks to think about it though, I suppose.

I do still feel fairly optimistic. I was talking to a girl that I've had in some classes today about fitness, because she said she felt inspired by me when I talked about running Goofy's Challenge in class.. and she was so inspired that she'd decided to do a 5k this summer. Hearing things like that really are touching and inspiring for me. I feel like if I can inspire her in that way, I definitely can do huge things like I have wanted to do since I was a child. I have always dreamed of being huge: a novelist, President, an athlete, and so on and so forth. I already have felt like I can do big things in life, but actually hearing that I've had an influence in that way is a really positive thing for me. I definitely want to continue to be able to inspire people. Anyways, I told her about some of my other goals and relayed my frustrationgs with my ankle, which was cool for me. I don't really feel like I ahve a ton of people that I can talk about fitness with like that, so that was really neat for me. I am glad that I got to have that conversation. I feel like I should be able to reach for a triathlon and reach for completing Boston someday.

I do dream big don't I? But, how else is there to dream? I have to be able to have huge dreams in order to achieve big things. All I've ever wanted was to make changes in the world. I know that I can do it. I just have to reach for it and push myself to my limit and beyond.

National Running Day!!!

Heyyyy it's officially National Running Day! Yess!!!