five random thoughts.

1. So, I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. It was something that I was debating about, something that I wasn't 100% sure about, because I knew how much I lack at self-motivation. By paying for this membership, I would have to force myself to actually go, or else I'd be throwing my hard earned money down the drain, towards nothing. So, I've been going.

I miss working out with my personal trainer in Florida a lot. It might be a self-conscious thing, because I do know what I am doing in the gym. (Mark did teach me a LOT over the years.) The thing is, when I'm there, actually doing it, it makes me nervous to actually legitimately lift weights... even though I know that I know what I'm doing. So today, I did some dead lifts. I felt weird about it, but I did it. I think it was the first step in the process.

I'm also thinking about doing some fitness classes, too. I have a list of classes for the month of December, I just have to pick some out and go.

(I also desperately need to get myself in the pool. I miss lap swimming more than anything. That's my real cardio love. Even though I run all of the time, swimming is my true love.)

2. I'm getting to know myself again. When I lived in Florida, I was always busy. I worked multiple jobs, worked out a lot, and was social with my free time. Some days, I was so exhausted that I would fall asleep on the futon watching a movie with my roommate. (On that note, I still haven't seen the entire Silver Linings Playbook. Sorry Kath.)

So, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and not allowing myself to work two jobs for as long as I'm in Indiana. I've been spending time with friends and family.. and have been going to the gym for the last few weeks. That has been very important. It has been tough, though, because I'm used to always doing something. I'm used to being busy.

But, I've been reading, writing, thinking about the future, and processing the present.. and it has been good. I'm remembering things that I love, things that I've stopped doing. (like the writing thing.)

I've had the idea to start a photography business. I remember how much I loved photography when I took classes in high school. I wouldn't make it my main source of income, but I may invest in a dslr after Christmas and do some photography around town.

(starting with my mom's engagement photos. no, mom, I haven't forgotten you.)

So, by getting to know myself, by giving myself that time, I'm getting excited for the adventures that lie ahead for me. I feel like I have some good opportunities ahead, I just have to make some decisions. I'm pretty fortunate in that sense.

3. My friend Latefa moved back, too. I'm actually pretty excited about this one. I came back to Indiana, knowing that most of my friends had left and the ones that were still in the same state were definitely not in the same town... then, one day, I got a text when I was out on a run that said, "I'm home!"

After a confusing conversation, I realized that my friend had moved back, too. She didn't tell anybody that she was coming, so she blew me (and her family) out of the water. She moved away several years ago, too, so we had not gotten to have real time together in a very long time. She has jumped right onto my adventuring ideas, though, and we have had a good time.

We've talked a lot about the future and about traveling together, so maybe that will happen eventually.. We went to France together in high school, which was incredible. Now we both want to go to all of the places. It is fun to have a friend with that kind of a mindset, too. I'm very thankful to have her in town.

(even though I think my grandma likes her better than she likes me!)

4. November was a half-success. I didn't succeed at the National Novel Writing part.. life kind of got in the way. (again.) I am a little disappointed in that, but I know that I will eventually get my writing out there. I did write some really powerful pieces about my state of mind, so I'm glad with that. I may try to get one or two published.

I did really put it out there with my Epilepsy Awareness Month personal campaign. For the past few years, I've only talked about it on the internet, through my various social media platforms. This year, though, I was able to talk about my journey with people in person. I am much less inhibited about the issue than I have been in the past. Over the years, I've just become more comfortable with explaining epilepsy to other people, whether it be my own story, or the stories of other people that I know. I think that is important.

I'm excited to keep educating people. I hope that, eventually, I can share it on an even bigger platform that I can right now. I'm working towards that. It's a pretty big deal.

5. I'm excited for the next month or so. My best friend is coming to town for a week and a half or so pretty soon. I can't wait to have some Indiana adventures with her. (and to spend some time with my second family.)

I also have the Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend coming up in a month. I'm already freaking out a little bit. I don't feel ready, and I know that I'm not ready, but I'm working towards it. I won't PR again, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed to have a great time. (because, I usually do.) I'm also very excited to see my Orlando friends that I miss so much. I won't be there for long, but it will be wonderful to have that time with them. I do want to scoop them all up and bring them with me on the rest of my adventures.

Then, there's also Christmas. I love Christmas.  I'm a complete Christmas fanatic, I love giving gifts, I love decorating, I love the family time... it's one of my favorite things. I also love going to Christmas Eve Mass. Oh man. I'm very glad that I am in town and that I will get to enjoy all of these thing with my family. If there is nothing else that I learned from living out of state for so many years, it's how precious it is to spend the holidays with family. I'm very excited for this year.

(even though I have to work. it will be wonderful. love love.)

 

and here's a photo for photo's sake.

this is from October, going to play in the woods with my special two year old nuggetty-cousin.

Three things Thursday

I've never done three things Thursday before, but there's a first for everything.

-I am SO exhausted. My muscles hurt. Yesterday was my first legs day with Mark the trainer and I'm in so much pain. I ran today anyways.. sort of. I walk-ran slowly. Ugh. I got my mileage in.
- I've started a new food plan. It makes me grumpy. I want to eat crap all of the time.. but I'm doing my best to stick with it.
- These are my new shoes:

same shoe, new color. They already have 11 miles on them!!

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days

So far: 694.12 miles/292 days

To go: 305.88 miles/74 days

like a hamster on a wheel.

Life can be overwhelming sometimes. I often wonder what happened to time.. or daylight, maybe. Didn't we just "save" daylight on Sunday? That's what I thought.

Somehow, my exhaustion from last month is carrying over into this month. I'm not where I wanted to be mileage, but right now I'm going back and forth on which is more important: running or school. Usually, school wins. Actually, I'm pretty sure school always needs to win. I WAS really dedicated to getting my goal a few months ago, but I feel like, with midterms and papers, my non-school goals are sort of falling by the wayside. It's sort of awful.

I sit here and go through the "what ifs" in my head sometimes. What IF I had a normal job when I wasn't working 3 pm to 1 or 2 am..? What IF I didn't have grad school on top of everything else? What IF I was more serious about it? What IF I didn't feel lazy much of the time? What IF I didn't let little setbacks hold me back for a long time? What IF I lived somewhere that I felt safe enough to run outside at night?

It's sort of crazy, because I know that I can't sit here and think about the "what if(s)" all of the time. I just do it anyways. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. (actually, let's be realistic... I KNOW that I'm too hard on myself.) It is really hard for me to get out of that frame of mind sometimes. I know how I SHOULD look at things, but then I see my mistakes or my misgivings and they seem pretty strong. I need to give myself more opportunities to make mistakes.

Anyways, today I had a midterm and spent much of the day trying to study and mentally prepare for it. (another reason I didn't run yesterday. I'm not sure if that's a valid excuse or not...) Kath and I decided to hit the gym tonight, so I decided that running on either the treadmill or on the track would work. I was WRONG.

I really struggled at the gym today. Kath and I lifted for a little bit, then went on the rower for about 15 minutes or so. After THAT, we hit the track. Sort of. I thought, maybe, we'd go five miles. Negative. Before we even got to one mile, I felt like I just didn't want to be there. I don't know what my problem is. So we ran/walked... and ran/walked some more. I started to feel like a hamster running on a wheel. It was a little bit miserable. I kept thinking about how I wanted to be outside and how much more freeing it is to run outdoors.

I just don't even know what to do anymore. I'm busy a lot of the time. I don't like running at night around here, but then again, I don't like treadmills and I don't like tracks. What else is there but for me to be whiny and complain-y? I need to open up my mind more, I guess. That's something that I need to think about.

Tomorrow I have a personal training session AND class. I'd love to fit in a run, too. I'm going to do my best. I'm logical enough to know that my best is all I can give. But I'm emotional enough to understand that sometimes my best doesn't FEEL like enough.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 187.71 miles/74 days
To go: 812.29 miles/292 days

back at it. again.

I haven't blogged in a while. Frankly, I haven't run in a while. :( Oops. I've been kind of overwhelmed with life.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm just a quitter. I mean, I've never trained very well for a race and I didn't meet my goal for 1000 miles in a year the last time that I tried it. I wished that I would have a good job by now, but I don't. I think that I do spend too much time focusing on my failures rather than on the positive parts of my life. It's something that I definitely need to work on.

The past week and a half (or so) since I've really run have been pretty mentally tough. I've been overwhelmed with work and school, which has been getting to me.. and has caused  me to avoid running a little bit. I just "haven't felt like it"- which is the oldest excuse in the book. I do need to try to work on being more positive and remembering that running is a great escape when I need it.

I also haven't strength trained in a while, which is another thing that I need to get back to. I miss it. I'm planning to go to the gym tonight after I get out of class.

Anyways, today I went out there for a middle-distance type run. It was almost six and a half miles and it went okay. I was having some muscle cramps in my thigh, which I think are related to something that I did at work.. (too much heavy lifting. lol) It went okay, a little slower than I like, but that's okay. At least I got out there and pushed it.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 125.16 miles/46 days
To go: 874.84 miles/320 days

a little positivity goes a long way

I'm becoming really bad at posting on my blog. I keep thinking about it, but it's hard to actually go through with sitting down and writing down my thoughts when I'm honestly exhausted 95% of the time. Ugh.

When I got a stocking position at work, I went from working mornings to working nights, since I don't have as much senority as the other stockers. It has made my body so confused, because I'm used to getting up early and going to work, coming home, then getting things done. It's pretty tough to change all of that, so I'm definitely struggling to get up in the morning and get things done before work. It is getting a little bit better, though.. slowly. Yesterday and Tuesday, I got up and worked on homework in the morning before class. Tuesday and today, I had personal training sessions at noon, so that forced me to get ready earlier.

Both of my training sessions went very well this week. I went into both of them with a positive attitude. That's not to say that I frequently am negative, but it can be really tough to get a good workout in when I'm being pushed beyond limits that I'm comfortable with. That's the reason that I hired my trainer, though, so I'm thankful for that. I am noticing strength in my body that I didn't have before and I KNOW that inches are coming off of me. It's just that my numbers on the scale are changing so slowly that it's unbelievable. I don't get excited when I weigh myself anymore, which adds to my negativity. I know that is strongly impacted by my eating habits, which are horrendous. I'm trying. Or at least I keep say that I'm trying. It's definitely a struggle ALL of the time.

Anyways, I went into both personal training workouts this week telling myself to try not to complain. That's pretty simple. I complain a lot actually when I'm working out, even if it's just a funny side comment here or there, I feel like I'm too negative and I don't like it. So, it made a huge difference. I also feel like both workouts were extrmely difficult.. probably two of the most tough workouts that I have had in months. Today, for instance, I wasn't 100% sure that I would be able to walk afterward, because I had pushed myself THAT hard. My legs still feel like jello two hours later.. and when I walk, it's more like floating than walking. Hopefully nobody is staring at me. haha.

I think that having a positive attitude definitely impacted my workout, though. I feel like I pushed through some barriers that I couldn't have done last week. I know that feeling sorry for myself has kind of crushed my ability to live up to my full potential. Yes, bad things have happened in my life. I've spent plenty of time feeling sorry for myself because of it though. It isn't fair to me to let the difficult parts of life crush the potential that I could be living to.

I keep trying to think of little things that I can change.

One major goal that I'm working toward is to complete a triathlon next summer. On my way to accomplishing that goal, I found a great local bike shop with really great prices. (now I just need a second job to save money! bahaha.) I also signed up for a "triathlon challenge" at my university's gym. Basically, over the month of October, I will complete a total of the mileage of a triathlon (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run)  while at the gym and it will be recorded there. I'm actually really excited about the prospect.

...now if I could just stop eating waffle fries....
...or just keep my food journal regularly as I should.

hugeeee breakthrough at the gym.

Today and yesterday, I killed it in the gym. No joke. In fact, you could say I had a breakthrough yesterday that carried over into today.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Actually, I had a rough week for many reasons... including school, work, being away from my family when family members were very ill, and so on. My stress level was pretty much through the roof. But, I agreed to meet Mark, my trainer, at the gym for a session before my class.

The first thing that he said that we were going to do was the stairmaster for 20 minutes. Then he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think that I'd be able to do it for the entire 20 minutes. I'm a stubborn person, actually. Sometimes, I will go out of my way to prove that I can do something that I've been told I can't or shouldn't be able to do (like move to Florida. ha.). Actually, he went on to say that most of his clients could only do 8-10 minutes on the stair master maximum.

When I got to about 12 or 13 minutes, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. I had almost given up on myself, but for some reason I didn't. At any point, I could have hopped right off of the machine. Actually, I got really mad that Mark didn't stop the machine for me so I could quit. Somehow, I pushed through it. Sweat was coming out of every pore of my body. I had sweat puddles in my hands. That's disgusting actually. That was probably my second biggest exercise related breakthrough that I have had. Ever. Second to Goofy's Challenge in January.

I have so many goals in my life that I don't want to cut short due to obesity. Knowing that obesity has become such an American epidemic, it scares the hell out of me.. knowing that I was close to 200 pounds a few years ago... scares the hell out of me, too. I feel like I'm still fighting my weight and I am. Every day, I have to choose between whether to drink a liter of Mountain Dew or to fill up my water bottle for the day. Between Kath and I, we go through 8 gallons of water in about a week and a half. That's a lot of water. It's a struggle making healthy decisions every day of my life. Actually, there are so many times that I don't make a good decision and it's frustrating. I try to pick myself up and keep going though.

That's what kept me going on the stairmaster. Actually, it was that and thinking about my uncle who was hospitalized for an extremely high blood sugar and a new diagnosis of diabetes. I've always wanted to inspire people. I've wanted to make a difference. Maybe if I keep going, I will continue to inspire people to change their lives. I have so much knowledge that I can share. I'd love it if my entire family could live the healthiest that is possible for them. I'm not saying that it's in the cards for everyone I know to become vegan, but everyone has little changes that can be made. It is for sure a possibility.

I also learned that my little brother wants to run a marathon and that he even bought running shoes.  I'm ecstatic for him. It would be so cool to run a race with my mom and all three of my siblings someday. I hope it's in the cards.

beyond ambitious

 I just got back from the gym. I had a training session that went pretty well. It was legs, which is usually really tough. Since my legs are the weakest part of my body, my work out was tough. It gets sort of embarassing when my trainer asks me to do a certain exercise and my legs start shaking uncontrollable. I do wish that I had a little more strength in my legs so that I wouldn't have to deal with my legs shaking like that. It's obvious that my muscles need a lot more work.

The workout went pretty well, which was great. I did struggle quite a bit, but was able to push through and complete all of the exercises. I can definitely sense changes within myself while I have been doing these sessions and while I've been exercising on my own, but I wish that changes happened sooner. Hell, I wish that I could wake up in the morning and have the exact body that I want. I have to work at it, though. The most unfortunate part of it all is that it takes such an extravagant amount of time and work. It's not like I can just dedicate all of my time every day to exercise. It's sort of unfortunate, honestly.

I have been working really hard on my body strength. Every day, I've exercised for at least 20 minutes. I'm so glad that I have stuck to this change in my life. It would have been so easy for me to have given up and stopped all of this, especially after all of the frustration from the inability to continue running. I am SO frustrated that I haven't been able to run lately. So. Frustrated. Actually, to the point that it feels like all I ever talk about in this blog is my sprained ankle, wah wah wah. I could have just given up and spent my time laying around, but I haven't. I'm glad with the changes that I have made. I'm also glad that I'm healing a little bit. I'm so looking forward to getting out there and running regularly again.

I'm definitely working on my time management skills. Today is a prime example. I've been trying to find ways to use every free minute to it's fullest extent. Today, I got up, read some news online while I got dressed, then went to work. I was scheduled until 5:15, but was able to get done about 30 minutes early, so I got to hurry home for my training session. I got home, got dressed, and left within just a little bit of time. I was a little late to my training session, which I was disappointed in, but I'm at least fortunate that I got there and got to work out. Like I said before, my legs were literally shaking at the end of the work out. I know that means that I'm pushing my boundaries and I KNOW that's positive. It's just really tough sometimes, because I want to see changes in me, but they are coming slowly. I'm possibly one of the most impatient people that I know. Quite possibly. I just wish I could have a few extra hours in the day in order to effectively manage my time, in order to reach more of my goals.

I feel that I'm a goal oriented person. Today, though, I've wondered if I've set my sights too high. Maybe my goals are unreachable. Goodness, I hope not. I want to be athletic. I want to run more marathons. I want to be Boston Qualified. I dream of being a certified SCUBA diver, a triathlete, maybe a personal trainer. I want to write novels, to be a professor, to make a difference. I want to organize events for epilepsy awareness.

I hope that one day I can reach all of these goals and more. I want to make a difference in the world. That had been my dream for my entire life. I know that I can reach it. I just have to continue to push myself as hard as I can. There is no option. If I do my best, work my hardest, there is no option but success... at least at some point in the future.

nostalgia.

Today, I'm really nostalgic. I didn't put myself into my workout all of the way for a number of reasons. Mostly, I found out that someone that I once knew took her life the other day. I haven't been friends with her in a long time. I haven't talked to year in six years. I wasn't even that close with her. It's just a weird nostalgic feeling to know that she's gone now. I've been thinking about life and death a lot lately and now I sort of feel like it will be on my mind even more.

Oh! Guess what! I used my food journal today! I'm so excited for myself. I brought it to work and wrote down my whole lunch and everything. I do for sure feel like I have crossed a bridge in my fitness journey. I feel like I'm on the right track. I actually talked about eating healthily and exercise at work too. I gave someone who is at a plateau advice on break. It was a pretty big deal.

Anyways, I have tomorrow off! Yay! I have lots of plans to do lots of working out. haha. :) [and studying. and sleeping in. and relaxing. and more! ha.]

something to think about:

To be come fully alive a person must have goals and aims that transcend himself - Herbert A. Otto

Elated AND Discouraged

Hello faithful blog readers! (the few and far between.... haha.)
So today was another day that was just like yesterday. The exciting part of my days off from work this week was getting to go to the gym ...and well, class.

I had planed for my Wednesdays to be my really long days in the gym with weight training, cardio (bike or running), and swimming. Ideally, I'd go to the gym a handful of hours before my class in order to get everything in. However, I  had other things in mind for today- like Oprah's final show ever. I couldn't miss it, so I went out of my way to be able to see it. I cut swimming out of my work out today... it helped that my swim suit needs to be washed so I definitely could skip swimming without feeling too guilty. Plus. Like I said... it's Oprah.

I went to the gym and decided to do legs. I've been working my arms for the past several work outs that I've had with my trainer and then my individual workouts haven't been focused on any particular group of muscles. However, I did some ab workouts too. Mostly legs. I noticed that my legs are starting to get a little bit stronger, though definitely not to the point that I want them to be. So yes. I wore myself out on the weight machines. I wish that I had spent more time on them, but I felt like I was on a time crunch. (I went to the bank before I went to the gym and the teller thought it would be a great idea to go on a long list of the things that I should get- like credit cards/direct deposit/whatever. She made me want to switch banks. Ugh.) So yes. I did weights for about 45 minutes, but I really wanted to do at least an hour to an hour and fifteen or something like that.

So. I decided to go for a run... which is a huge deal, as I haven't really run since February at the Disney World Princess Half Marathon... even then, I walked most of that race because of my ankle. Ok I digress. Back to today. I was so slow. (about 14 minute miles) However, I didn't give up. I set of goal of doing a 5k distance run. I accomplished it. I ran/walked it, but still. It was a huge deal for me, considering my inability to really walk or run for a long time. (I mean, I could walk to a point, but I iced my ankle every night for weeks.) I felt great afterwards. Fantastic. Accomplished.

Then I stopped my work out and left the gym. My ankle started hurting the minute I began to walk down the stairs to get my stuff out of my locker. It continued to hurt the whole way home. I iced my ankle through the entire Oprah show. Then I went to class. After class, it hurt worse- and all that I had been doing in class was sitting.. for FOUR hours. I hardly moved.

This is bad. I feel so accomplished, but I also feel like I may have made things worse. But how can my ankle still be THIS injured after three months? That's 12 weeks-ish. 84 days. A long time. Now I'm just freaked out that my ankle is permanently damaged, which is NOT okay. It definitely doesn't fit in my life plan. I guess that I'm going to have to go back to see someone about my ankle. It's free if I go on campus to the health center, but the information I got from them obviously didn't help. The guy I saw there told me that I'd be able to start running short distances in three weeks. Wrong. I just don't know how I can afford to see a legit sports doctor or something. I have insurance, so I guess that I will just have to call around to figure out tho takes it. (of course, it is Indiana insurance... and I've moved to Florida now... soo......)

I just don't know. I was so glad about my run. I am glad. It's huge. But I'm discouraged at the same time.