keep on pushing through.

Life is draining.
Thankfully, I didn't get much sleep last night and was able to get a lot done in the morning. Ok, I'm not that thankful that I didn't get very much sleep, but I am thankful that I got to do a little bit of lifting in the morning and I'm going to do a little more before I go to bed tonight. I'm definitely feeling the afterburn from my workout last night. My legs are tired. I'm glad, however, that the pain isn't as bad as I thought it would be. That's a definite sign that my body is improving. Yay for that news!

I'm starting to get a little bit more comfortable in my body. Honestly, I have worn more pairs of shorts in the last two months than I have in the last five years. That's not to say that I'm completely comfortable in my own skin but that I'm getting to that point. I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful that I have the opportunities that I have been given, even though life is a struggle at times. It definitely is.

I just keep trying to push through.

beyond ambitious

 I just got back from the gym. I had a training session that went pretty well. It was legs, which is usually really tough. Since my legs are the weakest part of my body, my work out was tough. It gets sort of embarassing when my trainer asks me to do a certain exercise and my legs start shaking uncontrollable. I do wish that I had a little more strength in my legs so that I wouldn't have to deal with my legs shaking like that. It's obvious that my muscles need a lot more work.

The workout went pretty well, which was great. I did struggle quite a bit, but was able to push through and complete all of the exercises. I can definitely sense changes within myself while I have been doing these sessions and while I've been exercising on my own, but I wish that changes happened sooner. Hell, I wish that I could wake up in the morning and have the exact body that I want. I have to work at it, though. The most unfortunate part of it all is that it takes such an extravagant amount of time and work. It's not like I can just dedicate all of my time every day to exercise. It's sort of unfortunate, honestly.

I have been working really hard on my body strength. Every day, I've exercised for at least 20 minutes. I'm so glad that I have stuck to this change in my life. It would have been so easy for me to have given up and stopped all of this, especially after all of the frustration from the inability to continue running. I am SO frustrated that I haven't been able to run lately. So. Frustrated. Actually, to the point that it feels like all I ever talk about in this blog is my sprained ankle, wah wah wah. I could have just given up and spent my time laying around, but I haven't. I'm glad with the changes that I have made. I'm also glad that I'm healing a little bit. I'm so looking forward to getting out there and running regularly again.

I'm definitely working on my time management skills. Today is a prime example. I've been trying to find ways to use every free minute to it's fullest extent. Today, I got up, read some news online while I got dressed, then went to work. I was scheduled until 5:15, but was able to get done about 30 minutes early, so I got to hurry home for my training session. I got home, got dressed, and left within just a little bit of time. I was a little late to my training session, which I was disappointed in, but I'm at least fortunate that I got there and got to work out. Like I said before, my legs were literally shaking at the end of the work out. I know that means that I'm pushing my boundaries and I KNOW that's positive. It's just really tough sometimes, because I want to see changes in me, but they are coming slowly. I'm possibly one of the most impatient people that I know. Quite possibly. I just wish I could have a few extra hours in the day in order to effectively manage my time, in order to reach more of my goals.

I feel that I'm a goal oriented person. Today, though, I've wondered if I've set my sights too high. Maybe my goals are unreachable. Goodness, I hope not. I want to be athletic. I want to run more marathons. I want to be Boston Qualified. I dream of being a certified SCUBA diver, a triathlete, maybe a personal trainer. I want to write novels, to be a professor, to make a difference. I want to organize events for epilepsy awareness.

I hope that one day I can reach all of these goals and more. I want to make a difference in the world. That had been my dream for my entire life. I know that I can reach it. I just have to continue to push myself as hard as I can. There is no option. If I do my best, work my hardest, there is no option but success... at least at some point in the future.

Elated AND Discouraged

Hello faithful blog readers! (the few and far between.... haha.)
So today was another day that was just like yesterday. The exciting part of my days off from work this week was getting to go to the gym ...and well, class.

I had planed for my Wednesdays to be my really long days in the gym with weight training, cardio (bike or running), and swimming. Ideally, I'd go to the gym a handful of hours before my class in order to get everything in. However, I  had other things in mind for today- like Oprah's final show ever. I couldn't miss it, so I went out of my way to be able to see it. I cut swimming out of my work out today... it helped that my swim suit needs to be washed so I definitely could skip swimming without feeling too guilty. Plus. Like I said... it's Oprah.

I went to the gym and decided to do legs. I've been working my arms for the past several work outs that I've had with my trainer and then my individual workouts haven't been focused on any particular group of muscles. However, I did some ab workouts too. Mostly legs. I noticed that my legs are starting to get a little bit stronger, though definitely not to the point that I want them to be. So yes. I wore myself out on the weight machines. I wish that I had spent more time on them, but I felt like I was on a time crunch. (I went to the bank before I went to the gym and the teller thought it would be a great idea to go on a long list of the things that I should get- like credit cards/direct deposit/whatever. She made me want to switch banks. Ugh.) So yes. I did weights for about 45 minutes, but I really wanted to do at least an hour to an hour and fifteen or something like that.

So. I decided to go for a run... which is a huge deal, as I haven't really run since February at the Disney World Princess Half Marathon... even then, I walked most of that race because of my ankle. Ok I digress. Back to today. I was so slow. (about 14 minute miles) However, I didn't give up. I set of goal of doing a 5k distance run. I accomplished it. I ran/walked it, but still. It was a huge deal for me, considering my inability to really walk or run for a long time. (I mean, I could walk to a point, but I iced my ankle every night for weeks.) I felt great afterwards. Fantastic. Accomplished.

Then I stopped my work out and left the gym. My ankle started hurting the minute I began to walk down the stairs to get my stuff out of my locker. It continued to hurt the whole way home. I iced my ankle through the entire Oprah show. Then I went to class. After class, it hurt worse- and all that I had been doing in class was sitting.. for FOUR hours. I hardly moved.

This is bad. I feel so accomplished, but I also feel like I may have made things worse. But how can my ankle still be THIS injured after three months? That's 12 weeks-ish. 84 days. A long time. Now I'm just freaked out that my ankle is permanently damaged, which is NOT okay. It definitely doesn't fit in my life plan. I guess that I'm going to have to go back to see someone about my ankle. It's free if I go on campus to the health center, but the information I got from them obviously didn't help. The guy I saw there told me that I'd be able to start running short distances in three weeks. Wrong. I just don't know how I can afford to see a legit sports doctor or something. I have insurance, so I guess that I will just have to call around to figure out tho takes it. (of course, it is Indiana insurance... and I've moved to Florida now... soo......)

I just don't know. I was so glad about my run. I am glad. It's huge. But I'm discouraged at the same time.