Thursday, September 15, 2011

a little positivity goes a long way

I'm becoming really bad at posting on my blog. I keep thinking about it, but it's hard to actually go through with sitting down and writing down my thoughts when I'm honestly exhausted 95% of the time. Ugh.

When I got a stocking position at work, I went from working mornings to working nights, since I don't have as much senority as the other stockers. It has made my body so confused, because I'm used to getting up early and going to work, coming home, then getting things done. It's pretty tough to change all of that, so I'm definitely struggling to get up in the morning and get things done before work. It is getting a little bit better, though.. slowly. Yesterday and Tuesday, I got up and worked on homework in the morning before class. Tuesday and today, I had personal training sessions at noon, so that forced me to get ready earlier.

Both of my training sessions went very well this week. I went into both of them with a positive attitude. That's not to say that I frequently am negative, but it can be really tough to get a good workout in when I'm being pushed beyond limits that I'm comfortable with. That's the reason that I hired my trainer, though, so I'm thankful for that. I am noticing strength in my body that I didn't have before and I KNOW that inches are coming off of me. It's just that my numbers on the scale are changing so slowly that it's unbelievable. I don't get excited when I weigh myself anymore, which adds to my negativity. I know that is strongly impacted by my eating habits, which are horrendous. I'm trying. Or at least I keep say that I'm trying. It's definitely a struggle ALL of the time.

Anyways, I went into both personal training workouts this week telling myself to try not to complain. That's pretty simple. I complain a lot actually when I'm working out, even if it's just a funny side comment here or there, I feel like I'm too negative and I don't like it. So, it made a huge difference. I also feel like both workouts were extrmely difficult.. probably two of the most tough workouts that I have had in months. Today, for instance, I wasn't 100% sure that I would be able to walk afterward, because I had pushed myself THAT hard. My legs still feel like jello two hours later.. and when I walk, it's more like floating than walking. Hopefully nobody is staring at me. haha.

I think that having a positive attitude definitely impacted my workout, though. I feel like I pushed through some barriers that I couldn't have done last week. I know that feeling sorry for myself has kind of crushed my ability to live up to my full potential. Yes, bad things have happened in my life. I've spent plenty of time feeling sorry for myself because of it though. It isn't fair to me to let the difficult parts of life crush the potential that I could be living to.

I keep trying to think of little things that I can change.

One major goal that I'm working toward is to complete a triathlon next summer. On my way to accomplishing that goal, I found a great local bike shop with really great prices. (now I just need a second job to save money! bahaha.) I also signed up for a "triathlon challenge" at my university's gym. Basically, over the month of October, I will complete a total of the mileage of a triathlon (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run)  while at the gym and it will be recorded there. I'm actually really excited about the prospect. if I could just stop eating waffle fries....
...or just keep my food journal regularly as I should.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

sometimes the little steps are more important

I'm embarassed.

It's almost as though I'm on some kind of a roller coaster of life. I'm flip flopping from making healthy choices to making stupid decisions. I've gone from being impressed with my dedication to laying in bed half of the day watching documentaries on my laptop. Not to mention that I am full of excuses and every time that I stop at Arby's or at Steak n Shake, I just think it'll be "just this once" or that "I'm in a hurry today.."

I don't know why I'm doing this. Since the beginning of May, I've been training with Mark at least twice a week every week (except maybe 2). Somehow, I desperately need to change the focus in my mind. I was working on an inspiration wall not long ago, I bought weights and a fitness ball. I got all kinds of fitness/health oriented things and put them in my room. I own 4 or 5 exercise Wii games. I don't know why I've stopped. Beyond working out with Mark, I've been taking it too easy.

There's no excuse for not running regularly, especially when I have races coming up. I know that I'm becoming more fit, but not to the point that I could be. I try to imagine what I'd be like if I actually pushed myself. I'd be somewhere past where I am now. I'd have at least another ten pounds off of me. I'd actually feel better about myself and my life. I'd be less depressed. I'd feel a hell of a lot less sorry for myself. My confidence would be skyrocketing. Instead, some days I just feel like I'd rather sleep all day, sleep until it's time to go to work... or school... or whatever I'm doing that day.

One change that I did make was to start going back to church. That's important and something that I've wanted to do for at least a year now. It was just difficult trying to find a church that fit me. I gave up for a while, but I did find one. It helped that my little sister asked me to be her Confirmation Sponsor, which is a huge deal. I'm really trying to take it seriously and make changes in my life. I'm so glad that I've taken this step because it has brought a sense of peace into my life.

There is just more that needs to be done.

I'm going to meet with a dietician in the next week. I was going to meet with her today, but she wasn't in her office. There is one at my school's gym that I can see for free. I need to get on a food plan, something that I can stick to. Like with exercising, it is so much easier if I push myself to my goals with the help of someone else. If I have someone's expertise, it is easier to do the right things, make the right decisions. For some reason, I don't have the dedication that I should have. I have to get used to the fact that it is okay to lean on something else. I need to let go of some of my comfort foods and branch out to different, healthier things. Instead of eating something quick, I should sit down and make foods, pack my lunch, and take the time to do things that will help me eat healthier. I have made some changes... some positive changes, but more does need to be done. Nutrition is the most difficult part of this whole journey for me and I definitely need to work on it.

I'm also going to try to get back into the habit of working out at least 30 minutes per day. I have to. Whether it's running, lifting, playing a fitness Wii game, or working with my trainer, I need to push myself harder. It's so important.  I want to be athletic. I want to do a triathlon. I want to do huge things for myself. There is not much that is more important to me than to do big things with my life, starting with the races that I have coming up... eventually becoming a triathlete, and maybe more. I'm definitely a goal oriented person.

I'm also going to try to cut out fast food. No more. I've got to start packing my lunch, taking the time to write down everything that I'm eating, count my calories, and be dedicated to this. I don't want to be morbidly obese. I don't want heart disease. I don't want to die young. It's beyond important to me that I'm as healthy as I can be.


Today at the gym, I did impress myself. I'm lifting weights with my legs that are two and three times heavier than weights that I lifted just a few months ago when I started working out with Mark. I'm slowly getting closer to my goals. No, I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm working toward it. That's what is important.

It takes little steps to get to the big goals sometimes.