National Running Day & Charity Running

So, it's National Running Day. That's exciting.

I had a 5 mile run scheduled this afternoon, because I'm training for the Chicago Marathon again. It's week one, day two of my training plan. Yesterday, day one, went well, a little bit slower than I would have liked, but that's how it goes sometimes. Today, I ran with my mom and still, was quite a bit slower than I would have liked, but it's a process, I suppose. (that's the point of training, right?)

As some of you know, I did not get into the Chicago Marathon this year via lottery. I was disappointed when I found out, to be quite honest, but my mind started running for a few weeks. I have been toying with the idea of running a marathon for a charity for a long time- several years. I've considered a few different charities over the years, but, most recently, I've really connected with the Alzheimer's association. There are a number of reasons for that, but it has all been pretty impacted by my grandma and her journey with the disease.

My grandma's journey started back in 1997 when she was pretty healthy, active, and only 51 years old. It all started with a stroke, then multiple strokes. Over the past 18 years, Alzheimer's has slowly taken over her brain. In the past ten years, since I went to college, it became more progressive. My Nana M went from being "silly" or "goofy" to clear signs of Alzheimer's. Now that I have moved back to my hometown, I've really been able to see the changes in her. It isn't easy, but it has really opened my eyes.

Anyways, so I decided a couple of weeks ago to run the Chicago Marathon on behalf of the Alzheimer's Association. The Alzheimer's Association is a charity that I STRONGLY believe in.

I'm looking forward to this journey, the training, raising the money, and running on behalf of the Alzheimer's Association.

But, beyond that, I'm really doing this with my Nana M in mind. (also, my Great Grandma Walter, and my Great Aunt Cathy) This disease is personal for me and has been a part of my family for a long time. So, yes, I'm pretty excited about this, but also pretty nervous. I think that I will train harder and hope to do better than I have for any races in the past.

Nana M & I at a race expo back in 2011

taking big chances, making big changes.

I officially suck at blogging. Well, I've been writing and expressing myself on other platforms, but I've completely abandoned this blog. I'm supposed to be writing about my races here and I haven't been... so here's a list of my races since I've last written.

- The Highlander, March 2013. My first (and thus far, only) obstacle course race. It was SO intense. I lived to tell the tale. I'll do another one day.
- Geist Half Marathon, May 2013. It was really hilly and intense and I was less than two minutes from my PR at the end. (or something like that.) I was super frustrated, but I lived to tell the tale.
- Tower of Terror 10 miler, October 2013. It was better than the previous year, as far as humidity goes, but not great weather by any means. I do like myself a Disney race, though.
- Chicago Marathon, October 2013. Rough race. I was undertrained, to say the least, and basically finished on willpower and adrenaline. Intense. Not my best race.
- Tour de Pain Extreme, March 2014. I PR'd in two of the three races that weekend. I was pretty proud of myself, honestly. That was a rough weekend, but a good one..
- Oklahoma City Memorial Half Marathon, April 2014. It was a great race, but I was pretty sick and fevery the whole time, so I didn't do well. I probably should not have run, but I am stubborn, sooo.... I couldn't help myself.
(also some 5ks and other short races.)

 

my mom, brother, and myself after the Oklahoma City Memorial half.

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So, life has changed for me SO much in the last year. I started a few new jobs, pushed my boundaries, and changed everything for myself. It's been intense and crazy.

One year ago today, I was preparing for Tower of Terror, my birthday, then Chicago. I was working in a theme park and had been for about two weeks. I hated my job (and actually never even visited the park as a guest while I worked there for two months.). When I wasn't working, I was looking into getting another job, thinking about going to graduate school for creative writing, thinking about doing big things with my life... doing a lot of thinking, but not really doing much planning or ...doing. I was stuck in my comfort zone, hanging out with the same two or three people, working a job that I hated, but was comfortable, just living day by day.

Last November, I started working at a local running store. That's when I started to change, when everything started to change for me. That was my first retail job, save for one Christmas seasonal job many years ago. It was a job that was related to something that I was passionate about and, frankly, I was pretty excited about it. It was a little bit of a step out of my comfort zone, since I wasn't accustomed to working in retail, and because I really only knew the things about running that pertained to myself. I challenged myself to learn a lot about my new job and, so, I did learn a lot.

I also made new friends. I had been in Florida for a little bit over three years at that point and I had pretty much stuck to the same core group of friends, my roommate, who I moved to Florida with all of those years ago and a few friends that I worked with at my previous job. I am, initially, pretty quiet, so it takes me a little while to really get to know people. I did make new friends in my new job, though, friends that really helped me to see things through a new perspective, see how much I could change and really become who I wanted to be.

I applied to go back to school this fall, which would have been last month, and even got accepted. It was a tough choice, though, because I wasn't sure that I wanted a third Bachelors Degree... I really just need to get my Masters. (getting another Bachelors would be like going back to my comfort zone again. This entire year has been about pushing those boundaries.)

Then, last May, I got a second job, lifeguarding. That pushed my comfort zone even further. Though I was pretty much raised in water, love swimming, and swam competitively a little bit, the idea of being responsible for saving OTHER people was a little bit overwhelming. I almost decided to give up as soon as I started, to run back to something that would make me feel more comfortable. BUT, this entire year has been about me pushing my boundaries... so I did. I stayed.

The last four or five months have been really conflicting. My mind has been all over the place. I've been in Florida for four years. Moving here from Indiana was a huge deal. I was 23, just finished college, and moving for graduate school. I didn't finish grad school, which is disappointing, but I learned a lot about myself while I was here. I made friends from all over the world. (literally, from China to England to Canada to... pretty much ever state in the United States.) I always wanted to move to Florida, so I did... and I made it work. It wasn't everything that I wanted, but I gave it a shot and that's what is important.

So, it has been a little over four years.
& now the adventure is ending.

My last day at work is this week, my birthday is on Saturday, and then I am going back to Indiana to work for a while and search for my dream job. (and work on my writing.) I don't know how long I will be there, but I will enjoy my family, go to my cousin's football games, my other cousin's roller derby bouts, hang out with my sister, play with my baby cousins, visit my grandparents... and take some time to figure a few things out about myself. (oh. and I will also get to hang out with some of the best friends in the world. duh.)

I might be most excited for an Indiana Thanksgiving and Christmas.

If I've learned anything this year, it's that I can do a lot of things. I need to focus on the things that I'm passionate about and try to do these big things that I've been talking about doing for years, but have been putting off. I have really stepped out of my comfort zone in the last year, which is pretty big for me, being a comfort zone kind of girl and all... I just want to continue pushing myself. So that's what this plan is.

I've had this lifetime fantasy about my life, since I was very young. Well, the dream really began when my mom was reading Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House on the Prairie to me, so, probably around the age of five or six. I've wanted to be a writer, I've wanted to write stories that impacted other people the way that those books impacted me and made me think. I've wanted to live somewhere beautiful, to have the kind of life that I can do my writing and then go outside and enjoy the beauty. For a while, I studied Journalism, I even studied Mass Communications in grad school a little bit, but I'm not a reporter. I'm not hard hitting, I'm not in your face. I want to write beautiful stories, live in a beautiful place, and make a small impact in the world.

So that's the dream... and in order to achieve it, I actually have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to share my very personal stories with people. (which I don't do. ever.) I have to learn to stand on my own two feet without leaning so heavily on other people.

...and honestly, I need to stop settling on mediocre. I can be bigger and better than I am allowing myself to be. I've been okay with mediocre for way too long.

"I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it, and, above all, become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be." (Roald Dahl)

 

 

Honestly, I'm making massive changes in my life right now. It's terrifying, especially for a comfort zone kind of girl. At the same time, I also realize how important it is. All of it...

 

As much as this last year has changed SO much about my life, I think that the next year will be even bigger for me. I'm excited, but nervous and terrified.

 

 

sidenote: I couldn't have made these decisions without two really awesome people that I know. (well, two and a halfish, maybe three.) The people who told me to do it when I told them about my writing, about my goals, about my huge life changes. (so thanks. just saying.)

 

over and out.

...and maybe I'll actually write a race report about Chicago this time. haha.

 

 

My friend Andi and me, after I didn't die in Chicago last year.



Boston Memories.

It is difficult to believe that it has been a year (and a day) since the bombings at the Boston Marathon last year.

Boston has meant a lot to me since I began running. I have this slightly crazy hope that, someday, I will make it to that race. I have hours to cut off of my marathon time in order to just qualify, but I am (and always have been) a dreamer, so I am hopeful.

Last year, I was at work on the day of Boston. I remember being disappointed, because I would not be able to watch the race online like I had for the previous several years. I checked on the race via my phone a few times during the day. I vividly remember standing next to the elevator with my friend, Kristen, when I got a Facebook notification that someone had commented on the status that I had posted earlier in the day, that I was excited about the race (and about Abe Lincoln, but that's a different story) and that it would be a good day. A friend of mine had commented that it was not a good day in Boston. That's when I checked all of the major news outlets and my heart broke.

I remember that Kristen and I stepped into the elevator and went straight downstairs to the break room to watch the news. It was awful. I could hardly go back to work. I had to keep going back to watch the news, over and over, for the rest of the day. I ran into a friend who had thought that I might actually be in Boston.. she had been worried about me all day. When I got home, I could not walk away from the news, either. Eventually, I did drag myself away to go for a run.

It took me a while to actually feel back to normal... and I was not even in Boston. I was just a girl who had run a handful of marathons (and a lot of half marathons) who had dreams of crossing the finish line in Boston. I was sad, hurt, angry... so many things. I couldn't stop thinking about it for several days.

I still feel so many of those feelings, but I also feel empowered. Someday, I will be in Boston on Patriot's Day, whether it be to run or to volunteer. I would just love to take part in the event.

 

The next race afterward was the Geist Half. I ran it for Boston.

Neurological disorders...and one reason why I run.

I know, I know... I haven't written in pretty much a year. The last year of my life has been a whirlwind.. but I need to be better about my writing.

Today, on my run, I thought a lot about both my dad and my grandma. My dad had epilepsy and died of a massive seizure when he was 31. My grandma has Alzheimer's, which has taken her beautiful memories and stories. When I think about the fact that neurological disorders are so prevalent in this world, I am both sad and angry. I feel like there is not enough awareness, understanding, or general discussion about either disorder.

My dad's death was unexpected, especially for a ten year old. He told me about his epilepsy just a few months before he died, but I was young and didn't really understand what it was. Then, he was gone. It took me a long time to deal with it. When I was 22, I started having episodes that felt like a mix between deja vu and panic attacks. Because I knew nothing about epilepsy or seizures, I thought that I had schizophrenia, and, naturally, told no one. (also... since I was studying psychology, I knew that schizophrenia usually came on in a person's early 20s. It was my biggest fear.) I was having these "episodes" almost daily, and sometimes multiple times a day. It was horrible. From November until February, I only told my roommates about my episodes, because, obviously, they both witnessed them a few times. My first grand mal seizure was on February 23, 2009. I was at work and had a panic attack/deja vu episode, but that time everything went black. Then I had some sort of a dream like I was floating through clouds. It was actually pretty pleasant. When I woke up, I was laying on the floor surrounded by some of my work friends. Someone said that it looked like I had a seizure. In that moment, everything made sense... at least to me.

After a trip to the emergency room, a day of wearing a heart rate monitor, an EEG, and an ultrasound of my heart... I knew nothing. All of my tests came back as normal. It was pretty awful, but at that time, I did not know that you cannot be diagnosed as having epilepsy unless you have two or more documented seizures. In my mind, I knew that I had epilepsy.

So, fast forwarding a few months to June 24 2009, I had a seizure in my sleep. Katherine woke up to a screeching noise and watched the whole thing. Being the person that she is, she wrote down everything that she witnessed. When I woke up later, she told me that I had a seizure. I remember being upset and feeling sick. I went back to the hospital and was officially diagnosed. Partial complex temporal epilepsy.

It took me a while to get adjusted to having epilepsy. For a while, I was really angry and pretty emotional about the diagnosis. Epilepsy stole my dad, so I didn't think that it was fair that I had it, too. After a little bit, I adjusted to it. I am not as angry about it anymore. When I think about it, it is more an opportunity for me. I have more of a connection with my dad and feel that I can make a difference through my diagnosis. I feel strongly about spreading awareness. I read articles and books about epilepsy all of the time. I talk to my friends about it. When I was first diagnosed, I worked several part time jobs at once and I took first aid information to post at work. I talk about it all of the time and I joke about my brain a lot.

I do get angry sometimes about the fact that people don't know about epilepsy. Every November is Epilepsy Awareness Month... and sometimes, I feel like the people that I know don't understand or know enough about it... and I am just one person. I cannot spread awareness to the entire world. I try to, though.

I do remember one day, a few years ago, when someone asked me about my epilepsy. He had seen something that I shared on social media and wanted to know about my experience with epilepsy. I explained everything that I knew to him. Later, he thanked me for helping him learn about it.

For the most part, I am seizure free and have been for a few years. I have not had a grand mal seizure since the time that I had one in my sleep in 2009. I have had some smaller seizures since then, but not as frequently or as intensely as before I was medicated. I am also much healthier than I was when I first started having seizures. I eat much better and exercise much more frequently (and I started running. a lot.)

My Nana M. has always been one of the best people that I know. I was lucky enough to have a great and close relationship with ALL four of my grandparents while I was growing up. My Nana M. is a big reason for the person that I am today. She gave me a love of photography. I won't forget sitting in her house looking at her photo albums for hours. She had them organized by year... and had so many photographs. The best thing about her photographs was that she had a story for every single one. She told so many great stories. I feel like I know so much about her childhood, even though I was not there to partake in it. I loved listening to them- one of her favorites were about digging a swimming pool with her siblings. I remember listening to her stories, amazed. Looking back, I think that she really impacted my life with her life stories. She's the reason that I love to tell my own stories... and the reason that I would like to write memoirs. She is also the reason that I still love to send (and receive) real letters in the mail. I appreciate the written word so much and she influenced that.

I also got to see many musicals and plays with her. I loved getting that time with my grandparents. There is one very special musical memory that I have with my grandparents. The three of us went to see The Sound of Music. I loved it so much. When we got back to my grandparents' house after seeing the stage version, Nana and I watched the movie version together. We were up pretty late watching the movie. Any time that I see the movie, I think of her and of that great evening.

My brothers and I spent a lot of time with her while we were little, because my mom was in school. I have the best memories with her. (gardening, baseball, going for walks, movies, Rescue 911, swimming, making cookies.... and so on.)

Nana M. now has Alzheimer's. At this point, it has progressed pretty far. She is in a nursing home and it breaks my heart a little. I really don't think that it is fair that someone who loved to tell stories, to write letters, to share memories more than anybody else I know... just does not get to have that any longer. If I could hear one more Nana M. story, it would mean so much to me.

I feel very passionate about Alzheimer's research. There is no reason that the most wonderful people in this world have everything important taken from their mind. I understand that the brain is complex and that we may never know everything about it, but I just would do anything so that nobody would have to go through losing themselves in the slow, painful way that Alzheimer's takes people. It is terrifying and miserable.

Both Alzheimer's and epilepsy make me very angry sometimes. I want more research, more awareness, and more understanding. I am so dedicated to talking about neurological disorders, because they have impacted me in a way that I cannot even express. I need to figure out a way to better spread awareness about both, because my Nana M. and my dad have been two people that have meant a ton to me. They both inspire me to live life to the fullest extent that I know how.

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One of the reasons that I run is because I can. Because so many people cannot. I run for my grandma and for my dad. During each of my 5 full marathons, I have thought about both of them when it has gotten rough. They have both helped me push through.

My family means everything to me...

 

major mental breakthrough.

I don't really have time to write much today. I have to work tonight, but I'm a little excited about my run today.

It wasn't fast. It wasn't impressive. It wasn't anything even noteworthy, but I ran. I intended to run 4 miles today, as I wasn't feeling the six that I was supposed to do and planned to switch today's run and tomorrow's run. (Yeah yeah, I know. I feel like, as long as I still get the miles that I'm supposed to...) Anyways, at three miles, I was still feeling fantastic and I knew that I could do all six. So I did.

It's the small things that make me feel like I'm pushing it and that I'm doing really well in my running. My body can do more than I thought that it could a few years ago. This is a huge deal for me. I feel like I  might actually do as well as I want to do in Chicago.

I feel like today has been a major breakthrough and it is something that I will continue to look back on and think that I can push past the boundaries that I have set for myself. I may not be an extraordinary person, but I can do small things to get myself to be someone I want to be.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 412.91 miles/209 days
To go: 587.09 miles/157 days

Long Run Day! 13 miles + ending week 5!

Long run day is here again!
I worked a long shift yesterday (11ish hours) and then came home and crashed, knowing that I had 13(!!) miles to run today. I woke up early with an awful Charley Horse in my right leg, and stretched it out, hoping that I'd be able to run all of my mileage. I slept off and on after that for a few more hours and then finally got up to get the run done.

Let's preface this by announcing that today was the very first time that I ran 13 miles outside of a race. I've never done that kind of mileage before. Today was a breakthrough, in a sense, because I didn't know that I really could do it. There are still many MANY times when I question whether I really am a runner. I still feel like the obese girl who drank a case of 24 Mountain Dew cans in less than a week (more like a few days...). I worked at two different ice cream shops in college and ate fast food like nobody's business. That is who I still feel like I am most days. It's really not who I am now though. Yes, I still drink Mountain Dew (...freaking addictions). I still have fast food too often. My diet is a hot mess.

Anyways, back to the run.
I had two frozen waffles, an energy gel, and shared a banana with Katherine. Then we headed out the door. The plan was that we'd head out and go around the same route we did last week, then go back home to get more water before finishing the run. It actually worked really well for us. We ran really well for how hot it was in the beginning, then we ended up running in a thunderstorm toward the end.

The last four miles were intense though! I wasn't terribly exhausted, but we definitely got rained on like crazy. Thankfully, when we were home filling our water bottles, I changed into a long sleeve tech shirt, because I could tell that it was going to storm. It definitely did rain. Sideways. Like crazy. We got drenched. It was fun though. I really like that I've been able to do all of my long runs with Kath. It's nice that it doesn't have to be lonely during those long runs.

I've been thinking more and more about getting back into personal training after school starts again. It's an expense that can add up, but I feel like I need to get back into it. I miss it a LOT. My body definitely needs it a lot.

It's so crazy that I've finished week five of training for this race. I legitimately feel like I'm going to be in Chicago like... tomorrow. That terrifies me. 

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days

So far: 395.36 miles/204 days
To go: 604.64 miles/162 days

Chicago Marathon training day one.

I've never actually followed a "for real" training plan for any race before. I've generally just flown by the seat of my pants and hoped for the best. This is weird for me and is definitely a new experience. I'm using a training plan that I found in Runner's World last week. I'm starting to get really nervous about Chicago, so I'm going to try to do it correctly this time. More correct than I normally do, I guess.

(and I do have those pipe dreams of someday running Boston...)

Today I was scheduled a 3 mile "easy" run. I'm not used to three mile runs and was almost disappointed with the short distance. I was tempted to run longer, but decided to go with it. By "easy", I ran half and walked half. I'm not sure that is what it meant by easy and I need to look more into that, I guess. I didn't push myself at all and my pace was terrible slow. I talked to my mom on the phone for about half of the time that I was out there.

It was weird to come back after three miles. I felt like I still had a lot of energy, but I'm really trying to trust the system. I'm just not good at trusting the system. (That goes beyond running. haha.) That's something that I'm working on.

I don't understand how I get SO dirty when I'm running. Granted, I run on a path and I ran in the grass a little today, but my ankles were caked with dirt when I got home. I'm not sure how that works out.

Tomorrow, I have six miles lined up! I'm excited. I'm going to work on my pace a little bit more tomorrow than I did today.

In other exciting news: Kath and I are registering for Disney's Marathon Weekend today!! Yay! I'm going to be Goofy again (likely Dopey) and she'll be running her first full!

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 247.78 miles/171 days
To go: 752.22 miles/195 days

Trying to make a comeback

I'm pretty sure that I am the worst blogger in the history of blogging. Although I've been "blogging" since 2001, when I opened a teen open diary account, followed by an open diary account, followed by a livejournal (or two), then this blog that I started the day or the day after my second half marathon. So I apologize to my loyal readers (Kath, Megi, Mom, and Nana.. aaand that's it.) Here's a month and a half of mileage, including a race recap. (I know, I know, I'm terrible.)

SO! The Tour de Pain Extreme


Back at the end of March and the beginning of April, Kath and I went to Jacksonville to run the Tour de Pain Extreme. This was my idea and Katherine actually jumped on the bandwagon with me, so I was really excited to do it. The race included a 10k, a 5k, and a half marathon, all within 24 hours. I thought "ooh, I've done Goofy's Challenge twice, I'll love this!"

So the first race was the 10k on a Saturday morning. I remember that we were sleepy when we got there and a little nervous that we wouldn't be able to find the starting place, because neither of us had been there before. I didn't know the course, except that it went over a few bridges. It actually was my first official 10k race. I was excited. So we got there a little early and lined up to race. The 10k course was much more difficult than I anticipated. It was extremely hilly. (and by extremely hilly, I mean that I felt like I was mountain climbing at various points.) It was extremely difficult. I started to wonder what I had gotten myself into and I had only just begun the weekend of running!

The 5k was that evening. It was extremely stormy and rainy between the races, so we were a little apprehensive about the weather. Before we started, they announced that a storm was coming and if it got bad, they would come by and recommend that people go toward the nearest shelter. Fortunately, the weather didn't get bad during the race and we were able to complete it. The course was part of the course from the morning and was pretty difficult and hilly. I was glad that I remembered the earlier course, so that I was able to remember where I was and think about what I had to prepare myself for later during the race. That was good. I did not PR during the race, although I had hoped to either PR during the 5k or the half marathon. I did not beat myself up too badly about it, because the course was so tough and I had just had a difficult race earlier that day.

The next morning, we ran the half marathon. Kath ran with me for about a mile. (I think??) Then she ran ahead, because she is much faster than I am. This race probably is one of the most difficult races that I have ever done. It felt much longer than 13 miles. It also was one of the smaller races that I have run, which made me feel, at times, like I was running on my own. For a while, there was at least a half mile both ahead of me and behind me with no other runners. That was a little crazy. Almost all of the races that I have participated in have been huge, with tons of other runners. I've never actually run alone like that. There was a section in which we ran through a graveyard. That was crazy. It was pretty shaded and cool, but it was also fully of curvy, windy pathways. After the graveyard was definitely the most difficult for me. It was mile 8 or 9, I think, and I was really struggling to keep going. I did too much walking and not enough running, which put me way behind my pace. We ran over the same steep bridges. By the end, my legs were killing me. It was tough.

I ended up about 2 minutes behind my PR.. which was okay, because it was a tough race. Also, I had just run two other races the day before. It was really intense.. but I'd do it again. I'd definitely say that it was more difficult than Goofy's Challenge.

--

Since then, I've only run once. It's awful. I really need to get back to running, because I have so many races that I want to do this fall. I also really want to hit my 1000 miles goal, even though I'm WAY behind now. I'm not ready to give up.

Anyways, mileage update, etc. haha.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 226.73 miles/139 days
To go: 773.27 miles/227 days

first long run since my marathon

Today was my first long run since the marathon. I guess I classify "long" as more than 6 miles or so. Today, I planned to run 7-8 miles or so. The part that I didn't anticipate was the struggle of it all. I was ready for a decently paced long(ish) run that wouldn't be too bad. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

I brought a bunch of stuff with  me in preparation for today. I had two Gu gels, a bottle of water (small enough to fit in my hand), and my running belt that I use during races. It was a handful. I wish it was easy to run with a small backpack, because I'd be able to carry everything that I needed. I know that such bags to exist and maybe I should invest in one if I want to spend more time running this year (as is the goal). I plan to take many more long runs, so maybe a small bag would be something to invest in, I don't know. Maybe I could get more running pants that have pockets or something, I'm not sure. I think I'd rather carry a bag than have extra pockets in my pants.

Anyways, now that I'm off of that tangent, back to my run for today. I planned on going on a long run, and got all my stuff together and ran out the door. I ran a lap around my apartment complex once before I went down the trail that I usually do. That initial lap wasn't too bad, but it did end up being tough after a few miles. Today, the trail was much busier than it generally is during the week. I haven't had the opportunity to go for a lengthy run on a Saturday in a long time, thanks to my job. It was really nice to see all of the families walking and biking on the trail.

Every time I make eye contact with a fellow runner, I generally feel a connection with them. I feel like there's an unspoken bond between runners. (or maybe sometimes a spoken bond... but only when there is closeness. ha.) It's nice to see other runners out there with the same drive that is within myself. It's nice to know that, in such an individual sport, I'm not really alone.

I was actually passed several times by this guy who looked about my age, but way more fit than me. Sometimes, I get really jealous and frustrated by people who are more in shape than I am. I understand that I have come a long way in my running, but that doesn't make it any easier to be so slow. I have this drive inside me to always want to better myself, to always want improvement. I definitely have improved since I first started caring about myself, my fitness, but there is still a long way to go. I definitely get really impatient from time to time when I'm out there and I'm not at the pace that I'd like to be at. Frustrating.

Anyways, by the time I got to mile 4, I was doing pretty well on pace, but was really struggling to get through it. (I almost thought about sitting down and waiting for Katherine to get off of work so she could pick me up. But that would have been more than an hour, so I didn't...) Instead, I used one of my Gu gels at around that time to try to push through and then ended up running out of water at mile 5. I was just continuously getting frustrated. However, a little after 5, I started to feel a lot better and more energized. Maybe I should have used my Gu earlier. I actually should buy more of them, I think.. I'm almost out. My last two(ish) miles were definitely the best ones. I should have gone further, because at the end I was doing well. Oh well. Next time.

When I got back to my apartment complex, I still felt pretty good and was at about 6.91 miles, so I figured I'd do an extra lap around my apartment complex in order to push myself a little over 7 miles. I ended up running 7.28 miles at a little over a 15 minute pace. I really wish that my pacing was faster by a lot, but it is what it is. I need to put more effort out there than I have and I really need to work on speed.. a lot.

Any effort is better than no effort. Someday, I'll run a great 7.28 and it won't be too bad at all. That's the goal.

So far: 75.89 miles / 21 days
To go: 921.11 / 345 days

Pushing forward

I went on a short two and a half mile run today. I planned on running about three miles and then I overslept and had to cut it even shorter.

I guess it was okay, because of the pain that I had yesterday, I definitely needed to take it easy today. My run was pretty slow. (My Garmin says 14:34 pace.) It wasn't too bad, actually. I didn't have much pain, except for a healing blister on the bottom of my left foot from the marathon two weeks ago.

I'm glad that I went though, because a lot of times that I plan to run and then something happens that gets in the way, like oversleeping, I end up giving up and not going out at all. I'm full of excuses. It is tough, though, to work past those fitness excuses and actually be a person who works hard at what I want to do and who I want to be. I have so many goals for myself that I have to keep pushing forward. That's the only choice.

In running, it's one step in front of the other. Always.

Tomorrow is a long run day. I'm nervous. We'll see how it goes.

So far: 68.61 miles/20 days
To go: 931.9/346 days

the hard times remind me to recognize the easier moments in life

I'm really having a hard time getting myself up and out there running this week. I think it might be because I don't have any runs lined up anytime soon. I'm thinking about running a 5k in a week with Katherine, just to get myself back into it. (first, I have to convince Kath to do it, though.) OR, there is a race this Saturday, a 5.2k (random), but I don't have anybody to run it with. So that's a decision I need to make soon. I just really like races, I guess. It helps me to have goals to keep going.

So anyways, today I got myself out and went on a run. Yay for me. It was a plan to run for 6 miles and the goal was to try to pace it out pretty well. I noticed in some of the video and pictures from Disney Marathon  Weekend that I take really short strides and that I don't really lift my feet when I run. I feel like if I put some effort into my stride, I might be able to easily speed my pace up a lot. So I worked on that and was doing pretty well for the first 3 miles or so.. then the pain started to set in.

So, I ran about three and a half miles and then walked a little less than three miles.

I'm just frustrated that I've set this major goals for myself and I really want to get myself in the best shape of my life this year and it's so difficult when I have major pain in my body. I understand that I'm [still] overweight and that I have to give myself time to allow my body to adjust to what I want to do. I just feel like this is something I've been working on for two and a half years... and in that time I've run 8 half marathons, 2 full marathons, and 2 5ks. Why should it still be so rough?

I know that it's just one step in front of the other, but in some ways it feels like so much more than that. It feels like my journey should be moving faster than it has and it is frustrating. I don't know anymore... I want to be a runner.

I just still feel like I'm that obese girl who drinks a case of Mountain Dew every week. I know I've come a long way since then, but it really just feels like

I guess I'm just struggling today.
Tomorrow may be better. I hope.

I know that today's run was rough, BUT I kept moving. I know that I have come a long way in my journey. I know that it is the little moments in life that get me through. It's just hard to look at things through that perspective sometimes.

So far: 66.1 miles/19 days
To go: 933.9 miles/347 days

Disney Marathon Weekend Part Three: Marathon Sunday

The theme from last weekend was "is this real life?". It was a question that we were all left to ponder several times with the 3 am alarms combined with the lengthy running. The major day that I was terrified of was the full marathon. I was afraid I wouldn't finish and I was fearful that everything would just prove to be too much for me. But it definitely was real life.

Anyways, we all got up to the wonderful morning alarm clock. I was extremely anxious. I feel like I have enough confidence with half marathon distance that I know I can complete it, but full marathons still scare me. As of last weekend, I'd only done one before and I didn't know how to mentally prepare myself. I don't really understand why, but quitting definitely went through my mind. Somehow, I trudged myself to the bus stop with a thousand thoughts running through my mind every minute. I got on the bus and managed to sit down, still worried about every little thing that could possibly happen to me along the long route. Since I did the Walt Disney World Marathon last year, I knew the route pretty well and felt like I could figure out where I'd  be struggling the most alone the way. That was probably not the best thing to spend my morning doing.

So my mom and I went to our starting corrals, but not without much drama. Naturally, we had a port-a-potty malfunction. Well, at least my mom did. She made a new friend that morning. hahaha. That poor lady..

Anyways, so we made the lengthy trek to the starting corrals, pretending that we weren't really about to run a marathon. You'd think that I'd have the entire running thing mentally figured out the third day in a row, but not so much. Anyhow, so we got there, huddled up and had a spontaneous dance party while all of the other slow runners in our corral looked at us grumpily. They started the race and it started to feel more real. Since we started in the back half of the pack, in one of the slower corrals, we got to wait a little while before our start. That was a little bit intimidating. It was okay, though.

When we crossed the start line, I knew that I had no option but to try to put space between me and the people at the end. I wanted to prove that I was worthy of running a marathon and definitely that I was worthy of running one faster than the people who were already behind me. I wanted to also be faster than the people ahead of me. I had way too much paranoia about being picked up by the sweeper bus. So I ran. My mom ran with me too. At some point my mom wasn't running with my anymore,  but I'm not sure when I lost her. I ran the several miles to EPCOT, where I had to choose between taking a left path or a right path around Spaceship Earth. I went right. Someone ran with me for a little bit, telling me that he was "Perfectly Goofy", meaning that he had completed every Goofy Challenge thus far. Impressive.


I left EPCOT and knew that I was on my way to the Magic Kingdom. First, I knew that, right before mile 5, I'd find Katherine and Kailey waiting there with signs to greet my mom and me. I was excited. There's something about people cheering at races that pushes people along. There's something even MORE about friends and family cheering people along during races that means that much more. As I was running up toward them, I was super excited, just knowing that I had supporters that were there for me. It's really an awesome thing. I'm really thankful for all supporters who get up and go out there and cheer for people at any race. It's truly a wonderful thing.

I watched the sun come up while I was running toward the Magic Kingdom. That was awesome. There's something about being up before the sun and knowing that you're doing something awesome with your life when you see the sun rising off in the distance.

I was still feeling pretty good up until mile 8, when my intestines started aching again. (I really need to be more cautious about what I eat before a race...) I had to stop at the bathroom at mile 8 and a half or so. That's when I really started struggling. Kath and Kailey were at mile 9 waiting for my mom and me, but I was definitely wanting to quit at that point. I felt miserable and I still had 17 miles left. I stopped and said hello to Katherine and Kailey and kept going. The next several miles were up to the Magic Kingdom and through the park. I knew that was manageable. Actually, when I got to the Magic Kingdom, I started to feel a lot better. It was almost as though a weight had been lifted.

I was feeling pretty good, I ran down Main Street, through Tomorrowland, stopped for a picture in Fantasyland with the Mad Hatter and made my way through the castle. Running through Cinderella's Castle is one of the most anticipated parts of the races. For me, the most exciting part is turning the corner down Main Street, seeing all of the cheering people with signs, cheering everyone along. It's exciting and wonderful.

After the castle, we headed through Liberty Square and Frontierland. I saw some coworkers getting everything opened up for the day and waved as I ran through. I felt so much better after I had finished running through the Magic Kingdom. There's really nothing like it. I was rejuvenated and refreshed... and felt like I was ready to run a number of more miles. I didn't really feel like I had just run more than ten miles at that point. Awesome. I had also been checking my Garmin obsessively and was way ahead of pacing requirements at that point. I was extremely excited about that.. and a little bit relieved at the same time. I knew in my heart that I'd finish the race and that I'd receive the medals that I had wanted so badly and for so long. I was not naive enough to think that it was going to be an easy or a simple journey, but I was beginning to feel more confident in myself, finally.

I thought that the section after the Magic Kingdom was going to be really tough, as the road really tightens up and it can get tough to run around people who are slow than you. I spent some time running in the dirt and the grass, which was somewhat unfortunate, but it was reality. Otherwise, I was still feeling pretty good. I saw Katherine and Kailey again at mile 13, almost to the halfway point. It was the last point where they would get to see me for a while, so I stopped, gave some hugs and went on my way. My mom still hadn't caught up with me and I was a little bit concerned about her, as it was her first full marathon and I remembered very well how I had felt during my first full. I knew I had to just believe that she would finish and that she had it in her heart to get it done



I was having fun. I made it to mile 13.1 and smiled as I crossed the little timing thing. I was halfway there and I felt awesome. My body felt okay and the Disney entertainment was phenomenal along the way.I was ahead of my pace by a lot and everything felt fantastic. I kept trucking along, knowing that I was probably going to hit a wall soon. That was an advantage of knowing the race course. I knew what the roughest miles would probably be. I ran as much as I could up until my legs needed to stop and take a break. Unfortunately, that meant that I walked for several miles and obliterated my chance at meeting any of my goals for finish times. My goal kind of morphed into just a goal to finish. I do wish that I would have pushed myself a little harder in those miles between Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom, but those miles were tough. I had the strength to keep moving forward, but not the strength to continue running every step of the way. I'd like to think that next year I will be more fit, and I will be. I'm working on it every day.

At mile 16 or 17, we entered Animal Kingdom. That was really awesome, because I finally had a little bit more energy in my system. We ran along the park, which is the park that I'm personally least familiar with. I work at the Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom just hasn't been a park that I have visited often, ever since it opened. It was neat to run though the park, see characters, guests, and cast members who went out of their way to cheer and wave to us as we passed. I guess it is kind of a continual theme that the crowds really get me through races. I had a lot of fun running through the park again and realized that I had less than ten miles left and that I still has two parks and the Boardwalk to run through. I felt like the rest of the race would be a breeze.

After Animal Kingdom, we headed down the road toward Hollywood Studios. I felt really confident in my ability to finish the race. I was still a little bit ahead of pace, but was still walking the majority of the time. Looking back, I'm somewhat frustrated in myself for not running more and pacing things out better. I wonder if I hadn't pushed it as hard in the first half, maybe I'd have been able to better run the second half. I don't know... There is a part of the route when you run down a half mile down the road and then a half mile (or so) back. You see all of the people faster than you on the way there and all of the people slower than you are on the way back. My mom and I passed each other on the way back, so she was about a mile behind me at mile 20/21. That was a little bit of a relief, because I hadn't seen her in a while and honestly didn't know where she was.



Hollywood Studios was super fun. I had been looking forward to that part of the race for several miles, because it was one of my favorite parts that I ran through last year. We ran backstage a little bit and got candy and fruit snacks at one of the water stops. I couldn't eat the chocolate, so I had to throw them out. (Sorrrrry Disney on a waste of your money...). I ate the fruit snacks, though. Fruit snacks combined with energy gel and water definitely got me through the final few miles. Hollywood Studios was awesome. I tried to congratulate everybody I saw who had a half marathon medal on from the day before, but it was getting a little bit difficult to speak out loud. I wish that we could have fun more miles through the park, because it is such an awesome park, but I guess that there's only so much that they can do when the park is still open. I have to keep that in mind, I guess.

I was most excited to see the Incredibles when I first got into the park, because last year when I got to that point, they weren't out anymore. I had just been a little bit too slow. This year, I made it and got a picture with  both Mr. AND Mrs. Incredible and Frozone. As I was running down the street toward them, Mrs. Incredible was waving and clapping at everybody who was passing. It was a touching moment for me and meant a lot. I stopped and got a picture with them and really felt like I was on my way to finishing my second marathon, that I was past all of the most difficult portions of the race and was almost done. I was so excited. Thrilled, actually.

After I left Hollywood Studios, it was a few more miles and then the finish line. I ran down the Boardwalk, which felt a million miles long. (I think it was actually just two or so.) Then I entered EPCOT again. That meant I was almost done. I tried to speed it up, but my legs were shot. I kept thinking of my favorite childhood story, "The Little Engine that Could". I don't look like a runner. Some days, I don't feel like a runner. I feel like I'm fooling a lot of people. I am SLOW. I still have a lot of work to do in order to get to where I want to be in my fitness lifestyle. I've made a lot of changes and I have come a long way, but I have to still tell myself that "I think I can" from time to time in order to really get it done. Somehow, I did it. I kept moving forward and before I knew it, I was turning the corner toward the finish line. I had done it. I finished my second Goofy's Race and a Half Challenge. I amazed myself at my tenacity. Maybe I am one of those people who can do anything. Maybe it isn't quite all out of my reach after all.

Everyone, their medals, and Goofy. We're all going Coast to Coast this year!

Mileage update- 

So Far: 59.93 miles/16 days

To go: 940.07 miles/350 days

(long run tomorrow!)

hugeeee breakthrough at the gym.

Today and yesterday, I killed it in the gym. No joke. In fact, you could say I had a breakthrough yesterday that carried over into today.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Actually, I had a rough week for many reasons... including school, work, being away from my family when family members were very ill, and so on. My stress level was pretty much through the roof. But, I agreed to meet Mark, my trainer, at the gym for a session before my class.

The first thing that he said that we were going to do was the stairmaster for 20 minutes. Then he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think that I'd be able to do it for the entire 20 minutes. I'm a stubborn person, actually. Sometimes, I will go out of my way to prove that I can do something that I've been told I can't or shouldn't be able to do (like move to Florida. ha.). Actually, he went on to say that most of his clients could only do 8-10 minutes on the stair master maximum.

When I got to about 12 or 13 minutes, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. I had almost given up on myself, but for some reason I didn't. At any point, I could have hopped right off of the machine. Actually, I got really mad that Mark didn't stop the machine for me so I could quit. Somehow, I pushed through it. Sweat was coming out of every pore of my body. I had sweat puddles in my hands. That's disgusting actually. That was probably my second biggest exercise related breakthrough that I have had. Ever. Second to Goofy's Challenge in January.

I have so many goals in my life that I don't want to cut short due to obesity. Knowing that obesity has become such an American epidemic, it scares the hell out of me.. knowing that I was close to 200 pounds a few years ago... scares the hell out of me, too. I feel like I'm still fighting my weight and I am. Every day, I have to choose between whether to drink a liter of Mountain Dew or to fill up my water bottle for the day. Between Kath and I, we go through 8 gallons of water in about a week and a half. That's a lot of water. It's a struggle making healthy decisions every day of my life. Actually, there are so many times that I don't make a good decision and it's frustrating. I try to pick myself up and keep going though.

That's what kept me going on the stairmaster. Actually, it was that and thinking about my uncle who was hospitalized for an extremely high blood sugar and a new diagnosis of diabetes. I've always wanted to inspire people. I've wanted to make a difference. Maybe if I keep going, I will continue to inspire people to change their lives. I have so much knowledge that I can share. I'd love it if my entire family could live the healthiest that is possible for them. I'm not saying that it's in the cards for everyone I know to become vegan, but everyone has little changes that can be made. It is for sure a possibility.

I also learned that my little brother wants to run a marathon and that he even bought running shoes.  I'm ecstatic for him. It would be so cool to run a race with my mom and all three of my siblings someday. I hope it's in the cards.

running has been a weight off my shoulders...

Good gracious, my body hurts today. I expected to be sore after 10+ hours of work yesterday combined with some exercise and an abundance of stress. However, I didn't expect to be in so much pain. I'm reminded of some of the pain that I was in a few years ago when I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now. I do know that there is still weight that needs to be lost and that I'm definitely not to the point that I need to be at in order to be as healthy as I could be. However, I also hate the feeling that I am in an overwhelming amount of pain that it is hard to walk from my car to my front door. I definitely need to figure out where the pain is coming from. I don't want to be 25 and incapable of movement. That would be awful.

The good news is that the pain isn't to the same extent that it was a few years ago. I used to have to literally crawl to bed after work. That sounds horrendous and I guess that it really was. Thinking back, I guess that I should have gone to the doctor about the pain that I was in. I would have just heard that I needed to lose weight and I have. However, I'm still not even in a healthy weight range. That's scary for someone who hasn't even hit 25 years old yet. Actually, it's terrifying. I look at my family and see obesity running rampant. I don't want that. I already have a diagnosis of epilepsy, a disorder that took my otherwise healthy father's life. I don't want obesity to add to the problems that I'm facing. I can't have that. I'm glad that I've started to make that change, but it is SO frustrating that it isn't easy. The difficulties in my fitness level and my weight loss stress me out more than many other things, besides my GPA. [ha]

I'm just hopeful that I never get to the awful point in which I have to consider weight loss surgery in order to have my health. I'm not at the point right now. Actually, I'm nowhere close. I only have 30 more pounds to lose in order to hit my goal weight. That's not terrible. I'm not terrible far away from being in a "healthy" bmi weight range. That's good news. I can just see a cycle in society and within my own family, which scares the hell out of me. Maybe that's why I turned to running.. as an escape. But that's okay. I mean, hell, if I'm getting healthy, that's what I need. Running has become something of an escape to me, too. I'm glad that I have it, because I do truly enjoy running. I certainly enjoy the endorphins that come from a good long run. I LOVE racing. I love having goals to push myself to. It's fantastic.

That's why my ankle sprain has been so painful [both physically and emotionally]. It really was something that has become a huge part of my life over the past two years. Running changed my life. I just wish I could have it back soon. Actually, I wish I could have it back tomorrow. Now if I could just achieve patience....

trying to motivate myself to run again.

It seems like my ankle had some kind of horrible reaction to the tape that I was using for it. I have an itchy rash all over my foot and ankle, plus my skin is sort of rough and disgusting. If it isn't one thing, it's another with that ankle. I'm starting to worry that I'll never be able to run again. That's just my negativity talking. I know that I'll get out and run again. Naturally, I'll have to. It's the only way that I will be able to accomplish all of my lofty goals. haha.

I'm at least glad that I've been able to find other ways to get myself to the point that I want to. Weight lifting and other exercises have definitely been making a difference in my life. My body image is getting a little bit better, too. I am getting a little bit concerned about working my leg muscles at the same rate as my arms. Naturally, with grad school, work, studying, and everything else, I don't have time to go out to the gym daily. That cuts out a lot of the machines that I would be using for my legs. I am trying to be able to change up my exercises regularly and still work my leg muscles too. All of the noticeable changes thus far have been in my arms and my stomach, which is GREAT, but I'd like to see changes in my legs too. If I could run again, that would definitely solve that problem, but my ankle hurts every other day.

I'm writing a paper about governmental policy and interventions dealing with obesity in the United States... and naturally, with perfect timing, the food pyramid changed to a food plate today. That will definitely add quite an interesting angle to my research. I'm excited about it for sure. Most of my papers lately have dealt with social media, because that's primarily where my research interests lie, but my class this summer is a comm & government class, so I couldn't really figure out how to fit blogging or twitter into that box. I'm definitely interested in the fitness field (obviously), and learning more about it will definitely just drive that further.

I am interested to see how long this food plate lasts. I don't know a whole lot about it yet, just that it's already being highly criticized. I guess that I will find out a lot more about it while I'm researching all summer long.

I wish I could sign up for some races. I definitely need a race to motivate me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I can with the ankle pain that I'm in. I'm considering trying to find a short race- a 5k or something in order to get myself back out there again. I feel like I need to start slowly in that manner. Naturally, combined with lots of ice. haha. Maybe I will look into that tomorrow or Saturday. It's actually not a terrible idea.

Big dreamers can do big things.

I didn't participate in National Running Day like I intended to. Frankly, I am disappointed in myself. I feel like there was more that I could have done to really commemorate the day. My original intention was to go to the gym. Little did I know that my book for class would be a pain in the rear to get ahold of and I had to stay home until the mail came in order to get it and read it before class (yeah.... and it won't even be here until tomorrow anyways. Ugh!!). That excuse is sort of lame. So, I decided to either go to the gym in the morning and come back to study for my quiz [that ended up being postponed] or to just run-walk [i am still trying to allow my ankle maximum healing time] outside for an hour or so in between studying. I ended up pretty much deciding just to run outside for a while nad do some weight training in my apartment in order to save maximum time.

So. I got up, read a little bit, had my vitamins, grabbed some breakfast and a big water bottle, and sat down at my computer to start my school work. About 20 minutes into that, I heard rain. I looked out the window and it was pouring. So, I figured I'd give it an hour and the rain would stop. Then, I heard that it was thundering... then I was reading the news and saw that there were bad storms coming through. So frustrating. Then the ankle pain started.... Needless to say, I didn't make it outside and I didn't make it to the gym. I'm for sure frustrated with myself for not going, because, although some of it was out of my control, I could have made some changes and done some things differently in order to ensure that I ran today, but I didn't. I am trying to take it easy on my ankle, though, because I do want to run again someday. It wouldn't be worth it to push myself too hard and never be able to run again. That would suck.

I am still doing my daily workouts though. I have a little over two weeks left of my month of daily work outs. It was a goal that I set for myself after I read someone else's blog in which they set a goal for a month for themselves. I think that it's an interesting idea to try to change yourself by making a fairly short term goal. I think that it opens a lot of possibilities for learning and changing. After this month is up, I will probably try to continue working out at least a little bit daily, but also adding another month long goal. I haven't really decided what my next goal will be, though. I have a few weeks to think about it though, I suppose.

I do still feel fairly optimistic. I was talking to a girl that I've had in some classes today about fitness, because she said she felt inspired by me when I talked about running Goofy's Challenge in class.. and she was so inspired that she'd decided to do a 5k this summer. Hearing things like that really are touching and inspiring for me. I feel like if I can inspire her in that way, I definitely can do huge things like I have wanted to do since I was a child. I have always dreamed of being huge: a novelist, President, an athlete, and so on and so forth. I already have felt like I can do big things in life, but actually hearing that I've had an influence in that way is a really positive thing for me. I definitely want to continue to be able to inspire people. Anyways, I told her about some of my other goals and relayed my frustrationgs with my ankle, which was cool for me. I don't really feel like I ahve a ton of people that I can talk about fitness with like that, so that was really neat for me. I am glad that I got to have that conversation. I feel like I should be able to reach for a triathlon and reach for completing Boston someday.

I do dream big don't I? But, how else is there to dream? I have to be able to have huge dreams in order to achieve big things. All I've ever wanted was to make changes in the world. I know that I can do it. I just have to reach for it and push myself to my limit and beyond.

National Running Day!!!

Heyyyy it's officially National Running Day! Yess!!!

putting in the work, waiting on the results.

I feel like I'm definitely on the right track right now. I bought some new weights and started setting up my little motivation area in my room. If I didn't live in a small apartment, I'd go all out and start setting up a home gym (though that would be a huge financial commitment haha), but alas, I do not. All I have is my little apartment. So that's the start of my inspiration area in my room. I moved a bookshelf out of my closet that I was storing shoes on and set up my work out things on it. I have a few sets of weights, a brand new kettlebell, and so on. Exciting! I just want to make my room more "me", I guess. It has been a pretty bland area since I moved in. I threw up my bed, some bookshelves (I'm a book addict, no joke), and filled my closet with clothes, but beyond that, I haven't done much. I'm looking forward to a finished product.

I'm still planning on getting a few miles in tomorrow. My ankle isn't 100% yet, naturally, but it's getting a little better day by day. [then a little worse, then better again.] My run last week didn't kill me and it only hurt that day and the morning afterwards. Thankfully, I have Thursday off of work, so if my ankle does hurt, I should be alright.

I feel like my goals are definitely within reach. Like I've stated recently, I've felt pretty hopeless in the past few months, especially after I sprained my ankle, but it's been getting so much better. I've been feeling happier and been able to sense a lot more possibility. It's awesome. It's even beyond just the work outs that I have been doing- it goes into my school work, my job (sort of lol), my future, etc etc etc. I feel like I can do huge things, which is definitely something that I have always wanted for myself.

I'm trying to focus on what inspires me, especially since I'm going to try to set up a motivational area in my bedroom, focused on what motivates and inspires me. I think that has had an impact on the change in my mood. I'm definitely not complaining about it. I'm also glad that I haven't had to use my crutches in several weeks. I have definitely been surrounded by positivity lately. Yay for me. :)

As I continue to work on my "motivation space", I'll take some photographs to share here on my blog. It will hopefully be in the next week or so... or maybe I'll take and post pictures of my progress as my space changes bit by bit. Hmm...

Workout stats from today- arms and core. I mostly used free weights.

I'm sore and tired. That's about it.

at a turning point.... or a crossroads. if you will.

Goodness. Today, I'm exhausted.

I had a fantastic workout tonight. My day was somewhat... not great. Frustrating and whatever, but I felt like I was able to put a lot of my negativity into my work out. I did a lot of core exercises tonight- planks, crunches, and so on. My abs are definitely feeling a burn, which I am FOR SURE excited about. I do wish I wasn't so exhausted when I came home from work, though, because I feel like I want to be able to incorporate other exercises into my work outs- like different wii activities and whatnot, but it's hard when I'm already exhausted when I walk in the door. Somehow, I am going to need to catch up on sleep and stop being stressed out. (yeah. I wish.)

I'm excited for three days off of work this week. I only have two more days to work and then some time off! Yipee! (though, I'm going to have a ton of studying to do, I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm going to try to focus on all of the positives.) I wish that I had a job with my degree, because I am worn out what what I am doing. However, it's tough to find something that I really want to do while I'm working on my Masters WHILE I am school.

I'm going to try running again on Wednesday. I know my ankle isn't 100%. I know that it might do more damage than good. But Wednesday is National Running Day and I just really feel motivated to run. I'll probably do it at the gym on the treadmill and I will definitely incorporate a lot of walking. It's actually pretty unlikely that I will get many miles in. However, I really just want to start running again. I feel like if my ankle gets too bad, I will for sure have to make some sort of a change- like getting my crutches out again or going to see a doctor again. I'm not that excited about that possibility.

I do feel like I'm turning a page in my life. I'm dealing with a lot of negativity and frustration, but at the same time, I feel like I'm doing a lot of good. I'm making positive changes and trying my best to get myself to a point that I want to be. I have a pile of books about things that I think will help me along this path- books about running, races, triathlons, fitness, health- and other things, like politics haha. I'm trying to be well rounded. I feel like I'm taking the right steps, though it is extremely difficult to get to the point that I want to be at. I never expected it to be this hard. My life is definitely no fairy tale.

It takes a lot of hard work....

life is a marathon.

It's so frustrating not being able to run. School, work, running... that was my life for about a year or a year and a half. My ankle is still messed up and I still feel like it isn't a sprain, because it has been so long. I'm just frustrated. I am glad that I have been able to exercise and learn new things about myself. I know and understand the changes that are going on, but I definitely miss the days when I could run.

I do know that my running isn't gone forever. It just feels like it is. There's just nothing quite like running a race... with the crowds and all the energy. I just miss it. I mean, I guess that it's okay for my bank account to not be signing up for a ton of races this summer. I would really just like to be able to run again. It sounds like a broken record, I guess. I want to run, my ankle is messed up, but I want to run. I wish I had something more profound to say, I suppose. I'm still so glad that I got to run the other day, but my ankle is still sore from it. I'm thinking about getting a new ankle brace that is a little bit more supportive than the one that I have. I don't know.

I need to really start focusing on my eating habits. I've been intending to look at some recipes and to go through some of my magazines and books to see what types of food would be good to eat. That's one of the best things about getting running magazines. They always seem to have good recipes and helpful tips for different food items that are fantastic for running. That's also a nice tool that the Internet can provide. Haha.

I've decided a few different images that I want to put up in my room to make it feel more inspired and motivational for me. I'm excited. My days off next week, I'm going to work on that and... well also do a lot of studying. Ugh! I'm over summer school already. It's okay. I'll get through it.

In some ways, I have to remember that my life is like a marathon. It takes dedication and patience. It isn't something that is quickly done. I have to make sure I do it right...