Tuesday, May 31, 2011

putting in the work, waiting on the results.

I feel like I'm definitely on the right track right now. I bought some new weights and started setting up my little motivation area in my room. If I didn't live in a small apartment, I'd go all out and start setting up a home gym (though that would be a huge financial commitment haha), but alas, I do not. All I have is my little apartment. So that's the start of my inspiration area in my room. I moved a bookshelf out of my closet that I was storing shoes on and set up my work out things on it. I have a few sets of weights, a brand new kettlebell, and so on. Exciting! I just want to make my room more "me", I guess. It has been a pretty bland area since I moved in. I threw up my bed, some bookshelves (I'm a book addict, no joke), and filled my closet with clothes, but beyond that, I haven't done much. I'm looking forward to a finished product.

I'm still planning on getting a few miles in tomorrow. My ankle isn't 100% yet, naturally, but it's getting a little better day by day. [then a little worse, then better again.] My run last week didn't kill me and it only hurt that day and the morning afterwards. Thankfully, I have Thursday off of work, so if my ankle does hurt, I should be alright.

I feel like my goals are definitely within reach. Like I've stated recently, I've felt pretty hopeless in the past few months, especially after I sprained my ankle, but it's been getting so much better. I've been feeling happier and been able to sense a lot more possibility. It's awesome. It's even beyond just the work outs that I have been doing- it goes into my school work, my job (sort of lol), my future, etc etc etc. I feel like I can do huge things, which is definitely something that I have always wanted for myself.

I'm trying to focus on what inspires me, especially since I'm going to try to set up a motivational area in my bedroom, focused on what motivates and inspires me. I think that has had an impact on the change in my mood. I'm definitely not complaining about it. I'm also glad that I haven't had to use my crutches in several weeks. I have definitely been surrounded by positivity lately. Yay for me. :)

As I continue to work on my "motivation space", I'll take some photographs to share here on my blog. It will hopefully be in the next week or so... or maybe I'll take and post pictures of my progress as my space changes bit by bit. Hmm...

Workout stats from today- arms and core. I mostly used free weights.

I'm sore and tired. That's about it.

Monday, May 30, 2011


Today, I'm really nostalgic. I didn't put myself into my workout all of the way for a number of reasons. Mostly, I found out that someone that I once knew took her life the other day. I haven't been friends with her in a long time. I haven't talked to year in six years. I wasn't even that close with her. It's just a weird nostalgic feeling to know that she's gone now. I've been thinking about life and death a lot lately and now I sort of feel like it will be on my mind even more.

Oh! Guess what! I used my food journal today! I'm so excited for myself. I brought it to work and wrote down my whole lunch and everything. I do for sure feel like I have crossed a bridge in my fitness journey. I feel like I'm on the right track. I actually talked about eating healthily and exercise at work too. I gave someone who is at a plateau advice on break. It was a pretty big deal.

Anyways, I have tomorrow off! Yay! I have lots of plans to do lots of working out. haha. :) [and studying. and sleeping in. and relaxing. and more! ha.]

something to think about:

To be come fully alive a person must have goals and aims that transcend himself - Herbert A. Otto

a dream is a wish your heart makes... [then you have to accomplish on your own]

Sometimes, I wonder how I got here... to this place in which I'm stuck complaining about my inability to run. I mean, if I backtrack just a few years, I was happy to sit in front of the television all day long eating cookie dough. Let's backtrack even further... McDonalds, Arby's, Dairy Queen... I loved it all. My weight ballooned into obesity while I was still in high school. No wonder I still have issues with food & my insecurities aren't so easy to beat. I just don't understand how I went from that point to this point. I mean, it's not like I spend 20 hours a day at the gym- but I am doing my damnedest to get myself into the best shape that I can. I am pretty sure that one of the  biggest problems is that I can't just make a lifestyle change that easily.

It sounds easy though. Eat right. Buy healthy foods. Get enough sleep. Work out. Pretty simple. I wish that I could do it in that simple of a manner. But, I drive by an Arby's, and all I want is an order of curly fries and a roast beef sandwhich... and hell, while I'm at it, why not a beef-n-cheddar. Might as well go all out. Sometimes, I falter. Other times, I don't. I'm practically food obsessed. It's not as simple as calories in and calories out for me. I have to think and rethink everything... then I feel guilty about it. It's really a terrible cycle.. the kind of cycle that is beyond difficult to pull myself out of. Ugh.

I feel like a peaceful feeling is coming over me, though. I've been doing a better job about food choices, first of all. (yay me!) Second, I've just been feeling more motivated and less hopeless as of late. I've been killing it in my workouts- even just average at home weight lifting with some core exercises (plank, etc.). My body feels like it is on fire and I'm ecstatic about it. I feel really positive about the changes that I'm making... and trust me, positivity is a huge deal in my life.

I just wish that I was seeing the results that I want to see. I wish that I saw huge changes in my weight daily. I don't see much change at all. I know that there are other factors that go into that, but it's still really frustrating. I look at my body and don't see anything that looks different- and I don't feel too positive when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm expecting too much out of myself, I guess. I know that it takes time to see changes. I'm one of the most impatient people that I know, while also being beyond a perfectionist. Is there something past a perfectionist? That would be me. That's where the frustration lies.

HOWEVER... back to my positivity. I look at the changes that I have made, the races that I have done, the medals I have earned, the weight I've left behind, and I'm ecstatic. I have accomplished a lot in a few years. Plus two Bachelors Degrees and the entrance to graduate school... plus many other personal accomplishments. I guess that I've pushed myself pretty far. I can look behind myself and see all of that. I feel like I'm definitely on the right road.. that I can accomplish a lot of things. I just can't give up. No way.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I'm one of those people who sets goals. lots of goals. Some of those goals being beyond what regular people set for themselves. I want to be something huge, I guess. I do feel like I can do big things. Right now, I've been feeling a rare sense of motivation.. and possibility for myself. I just hope that the feeling sticks around.

[Kath, me, Aladdin, and Jasmine... four big dreamers.]

Saturday, May 28, 2011

at a turning point.... or a crossroads. if you will.

Goodness. Today, I'm exhausted.

I had a fantastic workout tonight. My day was somewhat... not great. Frustrating and whatever, but I felt like I was able to put a lot of my negativity into my work out. I did a lot of core exercises tonight- planks, crunches, and so on. My abs are definitely feeling a burn, which I am FOR SURE excited about. I do wish I wasn't so exhausted when I came home from work, though, because I feel like I want to be able to incorporate other exercises into my work outs- like different wii activities and whatnot, but it's hard when I'm already exhausted when I walk in the door. Somehow, I am going to need to catch up on sleep and stop being stressed out. (yeah. I wish.)

I'm excited for three days off of work this week. I only have two more days to work and then some time off! Yipee! (though, I'm going to have a ton of studying to do, I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm going to try to focus on all of the positives.) I wish that I had a job with my degree, because I am worn out what what I am doing. However, it's tough to find something that I really want to do while I'm working on my Masters WHILE I am school.

I'm going to try running again on Wednesday. I know my ankle isn't 100%. I know that it might do more damage than good. But Wednesday is National Running Day and I just really feel motivated to run. I'll probably do it at the gym on the treadmill and I will definitely incorporate a lot of walking. It's actually pretty unlikely that I will get many miles in. However, I really just want to start running again. I feel like if my ankle gets too bad, I will for sure have to make some sort of a change- like getting my crutches out again or going to see a doctor again. I'm not that excited about that possibility.

I do feel like I'm turning a page in my life. I'm dealing with a lot of negativity and frustration, but at the same time, I feel like I'm doing a lot of good. I'm making positive changes and trying my best to get myself to a point that I want to be. I have a pile of books about things that I think will help me along this path- books about running, races, triathlons, fitness, health- and other things, like politics haha. I'm trying to be well rounded. I feel like I'm taking the right steps, though it is extremely difficult to get to the point that I want to be at. I never expected it to be this hard. My life is definitely no fairy tale.

It takes a lot of hard work....

Friday, May 27, 2011

life is a marathon.

It's so frustrating not being able to run. School, work, running... that was my life for about a year or a year and a half. My ankle is still messed up and I still feel like it isn't a sprain, because it has been so long. I'm just frustrated. I am glad that I have been able to exercise and learn new things about myself. I know and understand the changes that are going on, but I definitely miss the days when I could run.

I do know that my running isn't gone forever. It just feels like it is. There's just nothing quite like running a race... with the crowds and all the energy. I just miss it. I mean, I guess that it's okay for my bank account to not be signing up for a ton of races this summer. I would really just like to be able to run again. It sounds like a broken record, I guess. I want to run, my ankle is messed up, but I want to run. I wish I had something more profound to say, I suppose. I'm still so glad that I got to run the other day, but my ankle is still sore from it. I'm thinking about getting a new ankle brace that is a little bit more supportive than the one that I have. I don't know.

I need to really start focusing on my eating habits. I've been intending to look at some recipes and to go through some of my magazines and books to see what types of food would be good to eat. That's one of the best things about getting running magazines. They always seem to have good recipes and helpful tips for different food items that are fantastic for running. That's also a nice tool that the Internet can provide. Haha.

I've decided a few different images that I want to put up in my room to make it feel more inspired and motivational for me. I'm excited. My days off next week, I'm going to work on that and... well also do a lot of studying. Ugh! I'm over summer school already. It's okay. I'll get through it.

In some ways, I have to remember that my life is like a marathon. It takes dedication and patience. It isn't something that is quickly done. I have to make sure I do it right...

Thursday, May 26, 2011


"The body does not want you to do this. AS you run, it tells you to stop, but the mind must be strong. You always go too far for your body. You must handle the pain with strategy. It is not age; it is not diet. It is the will to succeed. -Jacqueline Gareau

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Elated AND Discouraged

Hello faithful blog readers! (the few and far between.... haha.)
So today was another day that was just like yesterday. The exciting part of my days off from work this week was getting to go to the gym ...and well, class.

I had planed for my Wednesdays to be my really long days in the gym with weight training, cardio (bike or running), and swimming. Ideally, I'd go to the gym a handful of hours before my class in order to get everything in. However, I  had other things in mind for today- like Oprah's final show ever. I couldn't miss it, so I went out of my way to be able to see it. I cut swimming out of my work out today... it helped that my swim suit needs to be washed so I definitely could skip swimming without feeling too guilty. Plus. Like I said... it's Oprah.

I went to the gym and decided to do legs. I've been working my arms for the past several work outs that I've had with my trainer and then my individual workouts haven't been focused on any particular group of muscles. However, I did some ab workouts too. Mostly legs. I noticed that my legs are starting to get a little bit stronger, though definitely not to the point that I want them to be. So yes. I wore myself out on the weight machines. I wish that I had spent more time on them, but I felt like I was on a time crunch. (I went to the bank before I went to the gym and the teller thought it would be a great idea to go on a long list of the things that I should get- like credit cards/direct deposit/whatever. She made me want to switch banks. Ugh.) So yes. I did weights for about 45 minutes, but I really wanted to do at least an hour to an hour and fifteen or something like that.

So. I decided to go for a run... which is a huge deal, as I haven't really run since February at the Disney World Princess Half Marathon... even then, I walked most of that race because of my ankle. Ok I digress. Back to today. I was so slow. (about 14 minute miles) However, I didn't give up. I set of goal of doing a 5k distance run. I accomplished it. I ran/walked it, but still. It was a huge deal for me, considering my inability to really walk or run for a long time. (I mean, I could walk to a point, but I iced my ankle every night for weeks.) I felt great afterwards. Fantastic. Accomplished.

Then I stopped my work out and left the gym. My ankle started hurting the minute I began to walk down the stairs to get my stuff out of my locker. It continued to hurt the whole way home. I iced my ankle through the entire Oprah show. Then I went to class. After class, it hurt worse- and all that I had been doing in class was sitting.. for FOUR hours. I hardly moved.

This is bad. I feel so accomplished, but I also feel like I may have made things worse. But how can my ankle still be THIS injured after three months? That's 12 weeks-ish. 84 days. A long time. Now I'm just freaked out that my ankle is permanently damaged, which is NOT okay. It definitely doesn't fit in my life plan. I guess that I'm going to have to go back to see someone about my ankle. It's free if I go on campus to the health center, but the information I got from them obviously didn't help. The guy I saw there told me that I'd be able to start running short distances in three weeks. Wrong. I just don't know how I can afford to see a legit sports doctor or something. I have insurance, so I guess that I will just have to call around to figure out tho takes it. (of course, it is Indiana insurance... and I've moved to Florida now... soo......)

I just don't know. I was so glad about my run. I am glad. It's huge. But I'm discouraged at the same time.

Major breakthrough. Fitspiration.

What. A. Day.
I'm not exaggerating. I got less than five hours of sleep, due to a combination of a bad dream and a late night of studying. It's going to be a tough semester. I can already attest to that and it's only the second week. Wow. So I woke up super early and decided to just stay up and study more. Ugh. Literally, I thought my brain was going to explode by noon. I'm almost done with my readings but not quite. I'll be able to get it done tomorrow.

I plan to get up fairly early tomorrow and go to the gym... then come back home, study, and watch the finale of Oprah before my class. I mean, it won't be a smart use of my gas to do all of that, but I can't miss Oprah. I've always dreamed to be on her show. Not all dreams come true, but whatever. Maybe someday I will meet her or something. Anyways, she's for sure worth my extra $10 in gas for the day. If the roads I lived on weren't so busy, I would just ride my bike like I did as an undergraduate.

Alright- let's talk about my work out today. It's actually exciting this time. I'm glad that I decided to continue my personal training. I'm a little tight on money right now and I've been pretty concerned about whether it has been worth it, because I hadn't felt that much of a connection with my trainer. However, I feel like I learned SO much over the past few weeks, so I stuck it out another couple more weeks. Today I had a fantastic training session. Wow. I'm super inspired today. My strength is definitely improving and I'm starting to feel a little bit more confident. I pushed through all of the exercises and did not give up or take a break for a few seconds or anything. I also felt like I am starting to connect a little bit better with my trainer. I hit the treadmill today, but went pretty slow. However, I'm excited that I got to go on the treadmill today. My ankle really hurts, but I feel like I pushed past some barriers.

It was super important that I was able to push through the barriers that I pushed through today, because I had a mental breakdown before I went to my training session. I literally could not find my shoes and laid on the ground and cried. Between work, school, working out, and every other little detail of my life, I'm overwhelmed. I felt like giving up on my weight loss plan, my exercise goals, my Master's Degree... everything. I just felt like things were getting really tough and life was starting to feel impossible. I needed to have a breakthrough today and I feel like I had it at the gym. I'm thankful for it. Hopefully the positivity can follow through to tomorrow and after that. I know that I can reach my goals. It's just not easy. It never will be, as I tend to set myself up for the toughest goals out there.

My skin is starting to look sort of saggy. Any suggestions on how to fix that? ...besides gaining a ton of weight back of course.

So I watched the Biggest Loser finale tonight. Wow. Some of those people looked incredible. I was especially suprised by Dan, Don, Sarah, Deni, and Ana. Wow!! I was pulling for Irene and am sad that she didn't win, but she looks incredible. I was definitely reminded of last season's finale and my personal inspiration, Ada Wong. I watched some video footage of her on youtube after I watched Biggest Loser tonight and was super inspired. I feel like we have some similar stories of childhood pain, though definitely very different, and she never gave up. I really would like to be a strong person in that I would prevent myself from quitting... and I'd continue to try to reach my goals. That's definitely what I want for myself. And she's a Boston Marathon finisher... which is definitely a HUGE goal that I hold for myself. Who inspires you?

Alright, well, I have eight billion things to do tomorrow, so I guess I should try to sleep a little tonight. Bye bye blog readers!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

time flies.

When did time start to go by so quickly? I worked this morning, came home, ate, watched a movie/worked on homework, worked out, and now it's almost midnight? Seriously? And on top of that, tomorrow is already TUESDAY? I don't get it. How does time go by so quickly? I feel like there needs to be a few extra hours in the day so that I can get more accomplished. I don't feel like I'm that busy of an individual, but somehow, there is never enough time in the day. I still have lots of studying to do for Wednesday, a homework assignment, AND I have two days of training ahead of me. Then back to work I go... and the cycle continues.

Time management is still my big issue, I guess. I'm doing a little bit better, as I am starting to use my calendar to figure out how best to get things accomplished. Now I just have to put my planning into action. It's that separation that always gets to me. Urgh! lol.

I was reading some research articles and was reminded of  how one of my B.A.'s is in English. I found several spelling and grammar errors in the same article. I don't quite understand how that got by the editors. Maybe I should be a copy editor for a research journal... ha. I just have this thought that those in academia should have some understanding of grammar and their native language. Is that too much to ask? Anywaysssss....

I've been noticing at work that a lot of runners like to wear their race shirts after the race- out in public even. Well, naturally, I enjoy wearing my race shirts everywhere that I can. The unfortunate part of that is that many  of my race shirts are long sleeved and now that I live in Florida... there is only a limited time of the year that I can logically wear them. Unless I turn up my air conditioning REALLY high and then pretend I'm back in Indiana for the spring, fall, or winter. Good idea?

I'm excited to be able to hit the gym tomorrow and Wednesday. I don't know how I will find the time to get everything done that I need to get done between now and Thursday when I go back to work again, but somehow... there has to be away! It's almost like I went back a year to my schedule that I was in when I had three part time jobs and went to school as an undergraduate, except now it's one part time job that is extremely exhausting and only one summer class... and I'm trying to exercise more. Maybe it's the exercise. I don't know. It just feels like time has shortened in the last year. Hmm...

I did a pretty good job eating today. I actually didn't use my food journal, oopsies. I'm going to figure out how many calories that I actually consumed before I go to bed, but I watched what I ate and didn't go too out of control... I think. ;) My dinner was colorful, though, which is usually a positive thing. (unless it's like... a pizza or something with extra grease. oh gross.)

Allllrighty. Well, I'll have something new and exciting to talk about tomorrow evening after my gym date and Biggest Loser! Woo hoo!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

trying to find motivation. again.

I feel like I'm waiting for my muscles to gain strength, but that they aren't getting any stronger. I feel like they are just getting weaker each time that I wake up in the morning... each time that I try to work out again, my muscles fight a little bit harder. I feel like giving up just a little quicker day by day. Maybe I'm not giving myself adequate rest time, but it isn't like I'm going over the top with my workouts at all. ALSO, I'm not losing weight very quickly... which could be due to a number of factors, such as my diet and everything. I'm frustrated with my eating for sure. Though I know all of the good habits and how to follow a healthy lifestyle, I still don't follow the rules. I just feel like it isn't really fair. Whine whine whine. I think that I whine too much in the blog. Maybe in general too. I don't know. Something to think about?

One thing that I'm thinking about doing is actually putting up posters and images of people and things that inspire me. For instance, maybe a triathlon picture on my wall or something like that. I feel like if I surround myself with things that inspire me, I will be better able to find the drive to push through the tough times. I had a pretty motivationless time for a while recently and I'm feeling like I'm getting my drive back. However, I feel like it is possible that I could easily lose my drive again. I want to ensure that I remain positive and focused on my goals.

Also. I'm going to reinstate my old friend the food diary. I don't understand what is so hard about writing down my daily calorie intake every day. I've been pretty good about it and then I quit. I think that it really does make a big difference when there is something that I really want to eat that has way too many fat calories. Bad food & good food, blah blah blah. Why can't I just skip the cheesecake or the Coke on my break and eat carrots. Food is food. It's just such a struggle for me to say no to temptation sometimes, I guess.

I don't want to be deathly thin. I'd actually rather just be in a healthy weight range. I want to be healthy and in shape. I want to be athletic. I want to be a marathoner, triathlete... I don't know why it's so hard to get to the point that I want to be in. Urgh. Actually, I really just want to be able to do a pull up.

I hope that tomorrow I can get over this funk that I'm in. If not tomorrow, then definitely within the next little while. I plan to make a list of all of the things that I can do that will help me to be more motivated. Hopefully so.

Oh. And an update on my ankle... definitely not better. I do NOT want to go back on crutches. I need to be healthy again. I need to get back into running. Need need need. I guess that what I mean by "I need" is that "I'd really like to...."

Saturday, May 21, 2011

another day another workout

I am getting pretty good at working out at home with my weights. I've been calling to mind some of my old work outs from w hen I was on the swim team in high school. I don't know why I have been so exhausted lately... it's been a struggle to just stay awake for normal hours, let alone to actually get myself to go to the gym. That has been impossible. I have just been exhausted lately.

I'm going to try to work out a physical schedule for my life starting next week... a schedule that I can actually get things done without worrying about the process of doing it. I need to get things done rather than to just talk about getting things done, which I have been doing.  With school, work, and exercise, I have been totally worn out every day... and it's just going to get worse as summer gets more intense. There are ways to lessen stress levels, which is really important. My stress level has been riding high for a long time. It's something that I have sort of accepted, but that's not okay.

Today at work, I was a stocker. That was tough. I was constantly running around trying to get stuff, but there was always something else needed. Constantly... all day long. I felt like I was working out just walking back and forth everywhere in the place. What a day.

I'm reading a book right now in the Sookie Stackhouse series... when I was reading the books last year, I got really overwhelmed with it and had vampire dreams. However, right now I'm having dreams about work, which shows the exhaustion that I'm dealing with. After I finish the book though, I'm definitely going to read one of my many accumulated running books. I could use some inspiration for sure.

At least I'm in a better mood than I was in yesterday. Ha. That's something. Only two more days of work until my Friday (which means training, homework, and class! lol...)

today is almost yesterday..


Today was just another day. I really wanted to go to the gym, but instead I took a nap after work. I'm pretty disappointed about it, but what the hell... I guess I just needed the sleep. I feel like I've fallen behind in a lot of ways lately- sleep, reading, socialization, money... it's been rough. So yeah. I slacked a little bit.

Tonight for dinner we had turkey tacos. Yum! ...and semi healthy. I was thinking about how I used to eat TONS of food and when I would have cow [beef] tacos, I'd fill my tacos up all of the way. Today however, I listened to my stomach and stopped eating when I was full. Yeah me!

This is.. day four of thirty one days of consecutive exercise. Today I did some drills that I learned from Mark and pushed myself pretty much to my limit. However, most of my focus was on arms again. I need to learn some at home leg exercises I guess. I did do some crunches. I definitely need to switch it up though soon. I have some books about exercise that I want to read.

I want to do this, I want to do that. Time management will be the death of me, I swear. I need to figure out better how to figure out what is most important and execute my activities due to that. Something for me to work on, I guess.

Tomorrow my mom has a half marathon! I'm super jealous. It's been way too long since I've raced... and subsequently too long since I've run. I wish it could be easier. I guess I'm going to have to go get my ankle looked at again, because I just feel like a sprain would not take this long to heal.

Well, tomorrow is another repeat of today, which was a pseudo repeat of yesterday, so off to bed I go.

This is my mom and I at the Disney World half marathon in January.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

grumpy. :(

Today was super stressful. I'm actually really glad that I got up early in order to work out rather than to wait until after work becauase... it's close to 11 and I just got home. I ended up working late and my body hurts from being at work for close to 12 hours.

Anyways, I got up early and lifted weights for about 25 minutes & then did some wall sits and planks. It was a fairly easy work out, but the good news is that I DID it. I got myself up and exercised when I really just wanted to roll over and turn my alarm off. In a sense, I started my day off right by doing that, because I had a positive attitude when I got to work (after my break was an hour late, my positive mood disappeared, but that's a different story) and I actually ate really healthily today.

I've struggled a lot with healthy eating. I mean, I know what is good and I know what is bad... and I know how many calories I should eat and so on and so forth. I definitely have the knowledge. However, having the knowledge and doing the right thing are two completely different issues. That's where my problem lies. It's really tough for me to be able to cross into DOING rather than just knowing. When I work 12 hours... I really want to stop and get some fast food on my way home. Today I didn't, although I really wanted to. I could go for some french fries and chicken nuggets! However, my sweet roommate made me some fish and a small baked potato while I was driving home, because she is awesome (and she knew I was in a bad mood)! I'm really thankful for that.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I really hope I can run in the next two weeks.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day Two of one month challenge

My ankle's progress: no progress at all.
Today's work out: okay.

This is day TWO of my one month of working out every day. It went okay, I guess. I wasn't that entusiastic about going to the gym today, because I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night. However, I made a commitment and I definitely intended and still intend to keep to my promise to myself. Since I promised it too all of you loyal blog readers, I guess that I will intend to keep the promise to you as well. :) ha.

First, I did some weight lifting exercises. I should have taken my camera in order to fully show my work out of the day, but alas, I did not. However, Google Images is here to help out in a crisis.

I spent about 30-40 minutes lifting weights. I tried to push myself to my limit without hurting myself. I attempted to use my knowledge that I picked up from my training sessions in order to really exert myself to the fullest. I really struggled with one particular machines. I felt like my arms were getting stronger until yesterday, which was "upper body day" with my trainer. The machine that I really struggled with was a bicep machine, which was also something that I had a hard time with yesterday. I don't know why my biceps are so weak. I guess it's something that I'm going to have to focus on.

I've noticed that, in my training,  I have been focusing on specific muscles each day. I've never really done that while working out by myself. It might be something for me to think about though... or at least look into. Maybe if I specifically focus on legs one day and arms another day... then core a third day, that can help me to equalize my work outs so that one part of my body doesn't get left out. I don't know though. I guess that I don't know a whole lot about exercise in general, beyond running.

I do want to expand my knowledge base though.

After I finished lifting, I went down to the pool. I really wanted to do some cardio- biking or running as well as going to the pool, but I had to cut something out. Unfortunately, I left later than I should have in order to get everything done that I wanted to have done and still make it to class. I chose to not cut out my first day of class, so something else had to go. This time, I cut out the cardio. Yesterday, my healing ankle tendons popped when I was trying to put my shoes on, so they are not feeling too good today. Sadly for me, that means putting off running even longer than before.

Actually, I'm pissed about it. I haven't run in months and I feel like I lost a part of my identity. Fortunately, it's a part of my identity that I know that I can regain. I just have to be careful about it. I definitely don't want to lose running for ever and I am a little concerned that I will just get pissed off and go for a run. That would be an unhealthy choice... yet something completely within my personality. We will see.

I did not count my laps at the pool today, though I wish I had. I probably swam something around 1000 or 1200 meters, which wasn't quite what I usually do, but, again, I had class tonight and was crunched for time. I ended up in a lane between two really fast, really amazing male swimmers. They probably swam two laps for my every half lap. I would have stopped and stared, but I feel like that would have been awkward.

SO: in conclusion, I went to the gym for about an hour and a half... lifted weights and swam. Tomorrow I work from 10:30 am to 9:30 pm so the gym is a little bit out of the question. Instead, I will be pulling out my Wii and playing Wii Biggest Loser Challenge in honor of the Biggest Loser finale next Tuesday.

 [this is my shameless plug to everyone: VOTE FOR IRENE.]

Well... that's it. Thanks for enjoying my blog. Or not enjoying it. Or... whatever.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I am CHANGING........

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to do something BIG with my life. I remember being in first grade and planning my run for President. I also wanted to be the first female Major League Baseball player, while writing lots of inspirational novels, and changing the world like Mother Theresa. So now, I sit here, 24 years old... not in the Major Leagues and definitely not Mother Theresa. I have started two novels, but haven't finished them. I also am over 10 years away from a possible run for Presidency. So what am I doing with my life?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I don't really know what I'm doing with my life sometimes. I don't know where to begin or where I'm headed. I just know that I still want to do big things. So I'm going to try to change my blog a little bit. I started it to share my journey to 1000 miles in a year, which I didn't quite meet, because of a number of reasons. However, I think that I want to ensure that I continue my journey towards HEALTH. In my research (ha. Now I for sure sound like a graduate student..), I have started to fully understand how important it is to not "diet" and to focus on a lifestyle change. That is something that I really need to work on. I haven't been obsessed with dieting, I guess, but I have a tough time looking at things as exercise and healthy eating as a life change. I have often considered it as more something that I can quit or move on from.

So in that case, I'm making a few short and long term goals.
  • 30 minutes of exercise daily for the next month.
    • actually my long term goal is to work out at least 5 days a week for the remainder of the summer.
  • Find a triathlon for next summer. I am pretty positive that I will be able to find one either in Florida or in Indiana so that I either don't have to travel for or will be able to (hopefully) have family there.
  • Run again. Although my ankle isn't so sure about my running goals, I need to start running again. Maybe just a few short runs to start off, but I really need to run again. I miss it. :(
  • Meet with a dietician on campus. I can see one for free as a student and I think it could be really useful.
Non fitness goals:
  • Join a softball league. I've wanted to join one for more than a year now. I played softball for most of my childhood until I graduated high school. I really miss it and, though I never was very good, I think it is something I want to do again. I've looked into it briefly since I moved, but I never really found anything. That's something that I want to do with Katherine if at all possible. 
  • Blog every day.
  • Study for at least one hour a day. I need to make sure that my GPA is as good as it can be, because I KNOW that if I push myself really hard, I can accomplish things.
  • Read for fun. :) and for learning.
  • Swim regularly. For real. I miss swimming and Florida is so sunshiney and I feel like I just don't take advantage of it.
  • Write!!!
I feel like I am changing quite a lot since I started working out with Mark. He really has pushed me pretty hard. My training sessions are tough, which I anticipated,  but I definitely did not think about how my body would feel afterwards. Though my weight loss is slooow, it is there, and my body is definitely changing, which I love. I feel a little bit stronger.. it hasn't even been a month or anything, but I'm happy about my progress thus far. Today was definitely a HARD session, but I did it!

Physically, I'm changing. I need to change my mindset too. I have to figure out a way that my mind can start to think in more positive ways and that I can look at things differently. It's definitely something that I need to work towards, because I have a very negative attitude sometimes. I hope that I can get there...

I feel like some of my goals are reachable, but it will be really hard. I want to be something that people can look up to, which is something that I don't feel like I have right now. I want to be an inspiration. :)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Goals and such

Alright, so who watched Biggest Loser last night? I did! (and my roommate did! lol) I'm getting excited for the finale, but I'm getting pretty into it. Obviously, I'm not at the same point in my life that those competitors are at in theirs. However, I do take a lot from watching the competition on tv. I feel like I've learned a lot through the show and I've become pretty inspired through watching weekly. I feel more driven, I guess.

For the past few years, most of my drive has been toward the same things, running, school, work... in that order. Recently, I feel like it has shifted a little bit. Actually, when I firt sprained my ankle, I felt like I lost a part of my identity, which seems a little bit silly. However, when so much of me was focused on running, I really needed to redirect my energy. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it literally took me months to figure out what to do with myself. I'm starting to figure it out, but I still haven't run again, which does disappoint me in myself to a point.

I signed up for a personal trainer a few weeks ago, totally expecting to be thrown on a waiting list. Nope. Twelve hours later, I got a phone call. No exaggeration. I barely had enough time to really think about it before they called me telling me that I was at the top of the list and I'd get a trainer assigned to me THAT day! Wow.

I haven't made an official decision about how I feel about my trainer yet. It's hard because of time constraints, so I haven't gotten to spend a LOT of time with him in the gym. However, he definitely does push  me beyond where I would normally push  myself... and I've actually learned a lot about working out and fitness in the past few weeks. However, I'm hoping that it gets a little bit better in the next week when school starts up again and we can get into a little bit of a more regular schedule.

However, as a goal oriented person, I have a number of goals for the next year, including my second Goofy's Challenge and a triathlon... on top of school, writing, working, reading, and so on. I also really want to join a softball league. I miss softball so much... I never was very good at it, but it was something that I thoroughly enjoyed for many years of my life. I want to be a part of a team like that again, but I don't know how to go about joining a league like that.

Sometimes I worry that I'm TOO goal oriented.. or perhaps TOO much of a perfectionist. For instance, I'm in the midst of a two week break from school before summer classes start. In these two weeks, I have a list of books that I want to read, pounds to lose, workouts to accomplish, on top of my usual work shifts... and the list goes on. When I look at my long term goals- like run across the country for epilepsy awareness or do an ironman... or write a memoir... I feel like I always have something to do next and I don't really take it easy. I don't know why my mind works the way that it does and I haven't ever spent a significant amount of time thinking about it either, I guess.

Anyways, today I spent an hour in the gym doing weights with my trainer, followed by an hour swimming laps in the pool.. an exhausting combination. My body is worn out.

until next time.....

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

journeying toward health... or something..

I miss running!!!!

Sprained ankle, school, work, stress... it doesn't seem to ever end. Fortunately, I have gotten myself back in the gym and have gotten myself to move my body again. I haven't really run though. I mean, my new trainer had me run once on the treadmill for like ten minutes, but I guess that does not really count.

I thought about running today... and yesterday... but I just haven't done it. I feel like I'm scared. That doesn't make sense though. My ankle feels so much better than it did- though not 100%. I haven't had to take pain meds regularly... I can walk without much limping. I just feel generally better than I have in months. Yet, I can't bring myself to run. Maybe it's just a barrier that I need to work through, I don't know.

I'm pleased with my progress though. I've used the bike, the stair machine, the pool, and lots and lots of weight machines. My body is starting to look a little bit better and it has only been a few weeks. I guess that it doesn't always take much... just a little effort. My concern is that I may get too comfortable with my way of life and quit working out. Hopefully that doesn't end up being the case. What is important is to make health a part of my identity rather than a habit. I'm not sure how to go about doing that, but I'm trying, I guess. I've been trying to sort out my identity for a while now. Trying to figure out who I am has proven to be one of the more difficult tasks that I've set myself up for. It's just going to take a lot of time. I know that one thing that I really want is to be healthy. That's what I'm working toward. It's been a really long journey thus far, though.

Well, the goal for the next few weeks is to actually run a few miles again. I think I really need it both for my psyche and for my training. Ha. Naturally, as a perfectionist, I have a number of goals that I need to strive for.