alzheimer's. a portrait of my grandmother.

 
If you know me, even just a little bit, you know how important my family is to me. (really important, actually.) You'd also probably know a little bit about my grandma's Alzheimer's Disease, but you probably wouldn't know much about the long process that has gotten her to the point that she is in today. I don't talk about it often, because there aren't a lot of words that really express how I feel about it. (which is weird, because I'm pretty good with words.. and I'll talk about almost any topic all day long.) The Alzheimer's, though, not so much. It has been a pretty long road and has been pretty tough for her and for everybody in my family, but her especially. I can't imagine going from working in the medical field, working in a nursing home, with patients who have Alzheimer's, working in the nursing home that her mother died from Alzheimer's in, to learning that she had the same thing.

 

So, I'll start from the beginning. I was a pretty lucky kid, growing up. My parents were young when I was born, which meant that I got to have young grandparents. (I'm actually pretty sure that being the oldest grandchild on both sides is the best place to be, chronologically.) Nana M. is the youngest of my grandparents, at 41 years older than me. (I'm 28 now, meaning she's 69. Her 70th birthday is on March 31st!) Anyways, young grandparents meant that I got to have pretty active and close relationships with all four of them. I still have a pretty close relationship with them all, which is really important to me and something that I cherish. Even luckier for me, since my mom went to school while I was young, my brother and I had a lot of time with Nana, while she babysat us. We spent a lot of time going to the library together, playing whiffle ball in the backyard, and swimming in her swimming pool. I have really wonderful memories with her. I remember "helping" her with her gardening, which she was really proud of and put a lot of work into. I specifically remember learning about growing strawberries and about sunflowers. I remember the massive sunflowers that always ended up so much taller than I was. My hometown always had a program in the schools in which kids would grow plants (vegetables and flowers) and then everyone would bring in their best plants and they would be judged. Most of the time, either my brother or I would end up getting a first place gourd or sunflower (I'm telling you, the sunflowers were awesome) and we would move on to the "city" competition, which was held down by the zoo. Honestly, all that we did was help Nana plant the seeds in her garden and she did the rest. That's pretty important.

One really cool thing about her is that she was there each time that I met one of my younger siblings for the first time.

As I, and my siblings, got a little bit older, my grandparents took us all out for a special evening each year. They would, generally, take my brothers to see the Fort Wayne Wizards, a local minor league baseball team, play. They would take me to see a play or a musical each year. As much as I love baseball, I definitely thought that I had the better end of the deal. (and I'll still argue that.) I got the alone time with them and I got to dress up and see a musical or a play with them every year. My favorite out of the many is still "The Sound of Music." I was probably in middle school when we went to see that one and, afterwards, we went back to Nana and Papa's house and I was on cloud nine. I loved the show so much. Nana and I watched the movie version that night. It must have been 2 or 3 am when I went to sleep that night. (she fell asleep on the couch.) I'll never forget how much I loved that show... and I've seen, and loved, many shows (both with and without my grandparents). The Sound of Music just happens to be my favorite musical and it also is part of one of my favorite memories.

Sidenote: The fact that this month has been the 50th anniversary of The Sound of Music is not lost on me and, honestly, means a lot to me.

As I got older, I spent more time with my friends and less time with my grandparents. I think that happens to everybody. Through high school, then college, I grew and changed a lot. We still went to our yearly shows and hung out on holidays and for everybody's birthdays. We watched as Nana got sillier over the years. She had her first stroke at 51, back in 1997, which kind of got the ball rolling for memory loss and her current Alzheimer's diagnosis. In the beginning, she seemed like she was just goofy. She had always dyed her hair red, but the red got brighter than before. She started to say things that didn't make complete sense, because she had trouble finding her words sometimes. I remember one day, maybe Easter or somebody's birthday, we were having lunch at my family's house, and my grandma began to talk about how she had green onion ice cream at home. If I recall correctly, she was referring to mint flavored ice cream, because that is what we had at our house. It was just things like that, things that everyone accepted as her beginning stages of Alzheimer's, but was a little bit lighthearted. We could smile about those things.


When I went to college in 2005, I remember that Nana wrote me a few letters. That was something that I cherished then and is something that I still cherish today. I remember her writing and mailing letters to her sisters when I was young, which might be part of the reason that I enjoy sending and receiving letters so much now. I have friends in many states who receive mail from me, which is so important... Anyhow, by going to college, I was a little bit further away from home. During the five years that I was in college, Nana retired from work and got a little bit more sick. She still knew who I was and came to my graduation in 2010. She definitely had Alzheimer's then and had lost many important memories, but still knew the important people in her life. In 2010, I finished college and headed to Orlando, Florida. Her most rapid decline came during the four years that I lived in Florida. I missed a lot of it, only seeing her a few times a year when I would come home to visit. Over the past four years, she went from conversational, yet pretty confused, to having a fairly limited vocabulary. She went from recognizing friends and family members (and recalling most names.. she did refer to one of my brothers as "the skinny one" at one point.) to not recognizing people anymore. When I came home for my younger brother's graduation party in 2011, we played "keep away" with a Frisbee at my mom's house. Nana was good at throwing and catching the Frisbee. She was however, pretty bad at understanding the concept of keeping the Frisbee away from the person in the middle. She's throw it right to whoever was standing in front of her. That was a pretty good example of where she was, mentally, at that point. Later that fall, she participated in a four mile race, while my mom, cousin, and I ran a half marathon, and my sister, other cousin, aunt, and uncle ran a 5k. At that race, I remember having conversations with her and knowing that she knew who I was, but I could tell that she was not 100% sure about what she was doing that day. Today, her vocabulary is "yes", "no", "ouch"... and some other words. When I went to visit her today, she said, "oh geez" when she spilled some water on herself, and said, "let's go to bed."


 She moved into a nursing home about a year and a half ago. My grandpa tried to take care of her for as long as he could and did his best for many years. At some point, it becomes so difficult, nearly impossible, to take care of someone with Alzheimer's. It's a constant 24 hour a day, 7 days a week job. I know that it was tough on him, the decision to move her.. and I know that it was also hard on my mom and uncle. It isn't easy, but sometimes, it is necessary.

Now that I am living in Indiana again, I get to go visit her. It's hard that I missed her losing so much of everything. It makes me sad to think about all of the moments that I missed. I do wish that I could have had more time with her when she had more memories, when she was more conversational. I am extremely thankful that I had good times with her. I'm also grateful that I can take time out of my days to go visit her and spend time with her. I don't think she knows me anymore. I know that she doesn't know my name now. She does sit and talk to me, sometimes about complete nonsense, but I'm okay with that.

 

One thing that about her that I do talk about a lot when I talk about Nana M. is her affinity for story telling. I'd often ask her to get out her photo albums (which were organized by year) and show me pictures. During that process, she would tell me stories about her childhood, her adolescence, and about my mom's (well, and my uncle's) childhood. I'm so thankful for those stories.. and, well, I always have been. I was very young when I decided that I wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder and write stories about my life. I thought that someone, someday, would want to read my stories and be interested in my life, the same way that I loved the Little House books as a kid. I think that a part of that was because of the story telling. I loved hearing Nana's stories as much as I loved reading about Laura Ingalls Wilder. Stories are so important. That's why I've decided to write a book about my grandmother. (but that's a work in progress.)

Last week, Nana fell and broke her hip in the nursing home. She had surgery and spent a few days in the hospital. I spent one night with her and I'm glad that I did. (minus the no sleep.. hospitals are loud & weird.) It was good to have that time and I was glad to be able to be there with her. She did a lot for me as a child and I am glad to do something for her.

My favorite thing? That she still has joy. She smiles and she laughs.. and that's the most important thing.

seven thoughts: a reflection

So, I'm trying to write more.. publicly. I want to start to write a regular wrap up to my week, maybe on Sunday nights, after my long work weekends. Anyways, that's the goal.

Here we go...
Seven things from my week.
(edition one.)

1. Work was pretty crazy this week. I'm not sure what it was.. could have been the full moon, could have been daylight savings time, or maybe, it could be just one of those things. One fun thing about being busy is that the time goes by much more quickly. I work long shifts on the weekends, so it's nice to have that time go by a little bit more quickly. I have been exhausted coming home, though. Pros and cons, I guess.

My current job, in hospital registration, is the opposite from everything I have ever done before... and honestly, especially different than the different positions that I held in Florida. (espeeeecially when I worked for Walt Disney World.) It's been quite an adjustment, but I'm getting the hang of it... slowly, maybe. It is definitely a process.

(and it's nothing like Grey's Anatomy.)

2. I got to spend some time with a lot of my family this week, which was awesome. I saw each of my cousins in a week, which is pretty rare, considering that we are all busy all of the time.

On Tuesday, two of my cousins, a friend of mine, and I went to the batting cages. We had a great time and spent a lot of money hitting softballs for a while. I played softball for many years, through my senior year of high school, my friend, Latefa, played senior year of high school, also, and my cousins played a little baseball/softball when they were younger, but not for a while.

(though Rayanna played a season a couple of years ago)

Anyways, I don't get to see Rayanna and Riley as often as I would like, because they are very busy with activities and school. (Riley plays football, is very involved in Boy Scouts, and always has something going on, while Rayanna is pretty involved in her Roller Derby and as crew for her school's show choir.) I used to get to see them all of the time, but that doesn't happen as often as I'd like anymore, so I cherish the moments that I have. I'm the oldest grandchild/cousin on both sides of my family, so it has been fun to watch everybody grow up, even from a distance, while I lived in Florida.

We had so much fun at the batting cages. Afterwards, we dropped Riley off, and Rayanna, Latefa, and I went to the mall for a little bit. We got our browse on. It was a fun evening.

3. Yesterday, I went to my Uncle Keith and Aunt Brandi's house for my cousin Jared's birthday. I don't get to see them as often as I see my dad's side of the family, just because that's how it works out. I was late, because I had to work, but thankfully, I got to leave work a little bit early, because I worked extra on Monday.

There's something hilarious about my family, both sides, for sure. I laughed so hard last night, about the silliest things. It was fantastic, and well needed.

There was also cake and ice cream... and macaroni and cheese. (and sending text messages of awful candid pictures of my aunt to her. so funny.) Although, the ongoing prank war seems to have settled down a little bit. That's disappointing. My Aunt Brandi's birthday is in about a month, so we'll see what fun things happen then.

Doesn't get much better than that.

4. I also got to have some Wyatt and Emmett time this week. They are the babies of the family, my youngest cousins, and they're wild. Wyatt is two, almost three, and a pistol. I think he's getting more energy every time that I see him. Emmett is six months and learning to crawl. He's getting himself a little personality, which is fantastic.

One of the hardest things when I lived in Florida was that I didn't get to be there to meet Wyatt when he was born. I remember being at work, at Disney World, feeling pretty defeated that I missed out. (my brother also graduated from college that weekend, so it was a double whammy. I felt like a crappy cousin/sister) In fact, I didn't even get to meet him in person, outside of Skype,
until that October, when he was four months old. I missed so many milestones with him, which was tough, because I've always been close with my family. I love all of my cousins, and I have a special relationship with them. I love kids, maybe as much as they love me. It has been nice to have these past few months with these two, because I didn't get that time with Wyatt when he was a baby. I love that I get that time now. (I also love that Wyatt wanted to hang out with me specifically to take selfies.)

It was really special that I was in town when Emmett was born. I was in Indiana for a friend's wedding and he happened to be born that week, just a few days before I went back to Florida. I got to meet him in the hospital and hold him as an infant. That was awesome.

Anyways I had some time with those two peanuts this week, which was great. They are wearing me out, but I'm just appreciating the time that I have. They won't be small forever and, chances are, I won't be in Indiana forever.

...but those faces.

5. I went to see "Still Alice" with my mom and my sister on Wednesday. "Still Alice" is my favorite book. That's a big deal, because I've never committed to a favorite book or movie (or musician/band/song/anything) until this one came out. It's about a woman's battle with Early Onset Alzheimer's, which is an important story, and one that I hold really close to me. My Nana M has been in the same fight for a long time, and now lives in a nursing home, so, obviously, I have a lot of feelings about Alzheimer's...

"Still Alice" is such a beautiful book and I recommend it to anybody, everybody. It's beautiful, but haunting and real. I'm not going to sit here and praise my favorite book all day, but yeah, I recommend it. (also, all of Lisa Genova's books. Read them.)

The movie was good. It felt short, and a part of me wanted more, but I had to separate the book from the movie, because that's how all book to movie adaptations are. It was raw and emotional, though.. and in some ways, tough to watch, just knowing how personal the story was to my family. My mom wasn't going to go see it, because the story is a little too close to home. I'm glad that she did, though. It was good to go see a movie with her and with my sister. I think that it was especially important that we saw this movie together, because Alzheimer's is so real to all of us. I'm glad we all went.

6. I've been hitting the gym pretty hard for the last month, but I especially pushed myself this week. I tried some things that I haven't tried since I worked out with Mark, my personal trainer in Florida.

For instance, on Friday, I did legs. On my legs days, I've only been using weight machines and done nothing with free weights. At all. I'm pretty self conscious about certain things and one of those things is going into the real weight room, where the real weight machines, the free weights, the TRX ropes, and all of the "real" things exist. I know how to use all of it, I gained so much knowledge from my years working out with Mark, but I've never done it by myself. On Friday, I did, though.

I did some kettleball squats and some weighted lunges, even dead lifts. It's a pretty big deal and I'm pretty proud of myself for all of it. (although, I'm VERY sore.. sore and whiny. I'm not that sorry for that part.)

Anyhow, that was a pretty big deal for me, and I'm happy for myself.

...now I just need to get my nutrition on point.

7. One of my favorite quotes. (not by myself.)

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Neurological disorders...and one reason why I run.

I know, I know... I haven't written in pretty much a year. The last year of my life has been a whirlwind.. but I need to be better about my writing.

Today, on my run, I thought a lot about both my dad and my grandma. My dad had epilepsy and died of a massive seizure when he was 31. My grandma has Alzheimer's, which has taken her beautiful memories and stories. When I think about the fact that neurological disorders are so prevalent in this world, I am both sad and angry. I feel like there is not enough awareness, understanding, or general discussion about either disorder.

My dad's death was unexpected, especially for a ten year old. He told me about his epilepsy just a few months before he died, but I was young and didn't really understand what it was. Then, he was gone. It took me a long time to deal with it. When I was 22, I started having episodes that felt like a mix between deja vu and panic attacks. Because I knew nothing about epilepsy or seizures, I thought that I had schizophrenia, and, naturally, told no one. (also... since I was studying psychology, I knew that schizophrenia usually came on in a person's early 20s. It was my biggest fear.) I was having these "episodes" almost daily, and sometimes multiple times a day. It was horrible. From November until February, I only told my roommates about my episodes, because, obviously, they both witnessed them a few times. My first grand mal seizure was on February 23, 2009. I was at work and had a panic attack/deja vu episode, but that time everything went black. Then I had some sort of a dream like I was floating through clouds. It was actually pretty pleasant. When I woke up, I was laying on the floor surrounded by some of my work friends. Someone said that it looked like I had a seizure. In that moment, everything made sense... at least to me.

After a trip to the emergency room, a day of wearing a heart rate monitor, an EEG, and an ultrasound of my heart... I knew nothing. All of my tests came back as normal. It was pretty awful, but at that time, I did not know that you cannot be diagnosed as having epilepsy unless you have two or more documented seizures. In my mind, I knew that I had epilepsy.

So, fast forwarding a few months to June 24 2009, I had a seizure in my sleep. Katherine woke up to a screeching noise and watched the whole thing. Being the person that she is, she wrote down everything that she witnessed. When I woke up later, she told me that I had a seizure. I remember being upset and feeling sick. I went back to the hospital and was officially diagnosed. Partial complex temporal epilepsy.

It took me a while to get adjusted to having epilepsy. For a while, I was really angry and pretty emotional about the diagnosis. Epilepsy stole my dad, so I didn't think that it was fair that I had it, too. After a little bit, I adjusted to it. I am not as angry about it anymore. When I think about it, it is more an opportunity for me. I have more of a connection with my dad and feel that I can make a difference through my diagnosis. I feel strongly about spreading awareness. I read articles and books about epilepsy all of the time. I talk to my friends about it. When I was first diagnosed, I worked several part time jobs at once and I took first aid information to post at work. I talk about it all of the time and I joke about my brain a lot.

I do get angry sometimes about the fact that people don't know about epilepsy. Every November is Epilepsy Awareness Month... and sometimes, I feel like the people that I know don't understand or know enough about it... and I am just one person. I cannot spread awareness to the entire world. I try to, though.

I do remember one day, a few years ago, when someone asked me about my epilepsy. He had seen something that I shared on social media and wanted to know about my experience with epilepsy. I explained everything that I knew to him. Later, he thanked me for helping him learn about it.

For the most part, I am seizure free and have been for a few years. I have not had a grand mal seizure since the time that I had one in my sleep in 2009. I have had some smaller seizures since then, but not as frequently or as intensely as before I was medicated. I am also much healthier than I was when I first started having seizures. I eat much better and exercise much more frequently (and I started running. a lot.)

My Nana M. has always been one of the best people that I know. I was lucky enough to have a great and close relationship with ALL four of my grandparents while I was growing up. My Nana M. is a big reason for the person that I am today. She gave me a love of photography. I won't forget sitting in her house looking at her photo albums for hours. She had them organized by year... and had so many photographs. The best thing about her photographs was that she had a story for every single one. She told so many great stories. I feel like I know so much about her childhood, even though I was not there to partake in it. I loved listening to them- one of her favorites were about digging a swimming pool with her siblings. I remember listening to her stories, amazed. Looking back, I think that she really impacted my life with her life stories. She's the reason that I love to tell my own stories... and the reason that I would like to write memoirs. She is also the reason that I still love to send (and receive) real letters in the mail. I appreciate the written word so much and she influenced that.

I also got to see many musicals and plays with her. I loved getting that time with my grandparents. There is one very special musical memory that I have with my grandparents. The three of us went to see The Sound of Music. I loved it so much. When we got back to my grandparents' house after seeing the stage version, Nana and I watched the movie version together. We were up pretty late watching the movie. Any time that I see the movie, I think of her and of that great evening.

My brothers and I spent a lot of time with her while we were little, because my mom was in school. I have the best memories with her. (gardening, baseball, going for walks, movies, Rescue 911, swimming, making cookies.... and so on.)

Nana M. now has Alzheimer's. At this point, it has progressed pretty far. She is in a nursing home and it breaks my heart a little. I really don't think that it is fair that someone who loved to tell stories, to write letters, to share memories more than anybody else I know... just does not get to have that any longer. If I could hear one more Nana M. story, it would mean so much to me.

I feel very passionate about Alzheimer's research. There is no reason that the most wonderful people in this world have everything important taken from their mind. I understand that the brain is complex and that we may never know everything about it, but I just would do anything so that nobody would have to go through losing themselves in the slow, painful way that Alzheimer's takes people. It is terrifying and miserable.

Both Alzheimer's and epilepsy make me very angry sometimes. I want more research, more awareness, and more understanding. I am so dedicated to talking about neurological disorders, because they have impacted me in a way that I cannot even express. I need to figure out a way to better spread awareness about both, because my Nana M. and my dad have been two people that have meant a ton to me. They both inspire me to live life to the fullest extent that I know how.

---------

One of the reasons that I run is because I can. Because so many people cannot. I run for my grandma and for my dad. During each of my 5 full marathons, I have thought about both of them when it has gotten rough. They have both helped me push through.

My family means everything to me...

 

Disney Marathon Weekend Part Two: Full Marathon Day

I had a lot of different emotions coming into the marathon. I felt untrained, unprepared, and really not ready. Frankly, part of me was dreading it. I just wasn't in the right mental space to run 26.2 miles.. then I found out that the weather was going to be insanely hot... and I looked forward to it even less, if that is possible. ...but everybody else in my group was really excited about it.

Everybody set individual obnoxious cell phone alarms for 3 am, so there was no question that we would wake up. I actually slept pretty well, considering that it was the night before a huge race. I was pretty worn out from the night before the half (Friday night). I think that, by the time the first obnoxious alarm went off, I had slept 6 or 7 hours, which is VERY good for the night before a race.

I woke up and realized that half of my face was still swollen from the night before. (I've been having some hives lately.. some kind of an allergic reaction or something. It happened for a little while when I was a kid, too.) I was definitely not excited about a swollen upper lip, but hoped for the best. We got dressed, went to the bus... and Kath realized that she forgot her camera. Sad face, especially since we planned to run separately. After some discussion, I decided to give Kath my camera and run with my mom. We had never run together for more than a few miles before, but we have a similar pace. I also had overheard someone running with her dad during the half and it made me feel thankful to share the experience with  my mom. (insert sappy "I miss my dad, but I'm glad that my mom is still here" music...)

So we rode the bus to EPCOT and began the long walk to the corrals. (It's such a long long walk. That's one thing that Chicago did better, in my opinion. The corral situation was much easier, but probably also easier for running bandits... hence them running out of medals.) We ended up splitting up, because Jen was a corral ahead of the rest of us (that speed demon!). We said our goodbyes, wished her good luck on her very first full marathon (!!), then my mom, Kath and I went to corral E to get ready for the race. We chatted for a while, I excitedly murmured about Joey Fatone running the Goofy Challenge (they were interviewing him). I really felt a personal connection with him... it was his first half AND his first full. That makes him crazier than me. It made me think back to my first Goofy Challenge and how I had no idea what I was getting into. With this one being my third, I was feeling a like I knew what to expect, but not super pumped about it. I knew that it was going to be really emotional, but I wasn't ready to really face that.

 Eventually, the fireworks went off and there went corral A. I started to feel a little bit more excited about the race, but not where I really wished that I could be. I was excited about the idea of running with my mom, because we hadn't done it before. My mom and I have gotten a lot closer since we both started running and have lost all of the weight that we have lost. It is really special to share running with her. (and my best friend! If Kath didn't come along to my races and train with me, I don't know WHAT I would do. It would be a lot more lonely.) I just couldn't really wrap my mind around the 26.2 miles that were looming ahead. I was nervous that the course had changed for the 20th anniversary, because I didn't really have a map in my head of exactly where we were going. I just knew that I was glad that we weren't going to do the EPCOT loop that had been done previously. It does sort of suck to run a 5k and then end up back at the start line, knowing that you still have more than 20 miles to run. haha. Anyways.. eventually, it was Corral E's turn to start and we took off. Kath stayed with my mom and me for close to a mile before she went off to run her first full marathon. My mom and I stayed at a steady pace and talked a little bit before we got to the Magic Kingdom. We planned to stop in the park for pictures (and a clean bathroom stop!), so we knew we would lose time that we would have to make up for.

One of the parts that I always dread during a Run Disney event is the giant hill in front of the Contemporary. It came at mile 4 (ish) during the half, and this time, during the full, too. As always, the hill was very challenging. It's a steep hill down, followed by a just as steep hill straight back up. My mom and I walked the up hill part... It takes much less energy to walk sometimes.. and it isn't too much of a different pace! At that point, we were passed by a coworker of my mom's, who said hello and went on his way. (I love how much of a community running is!) We ran into the Magic Kingdom and down Main Street. It is always really exhilarating to see all of the spectators lined up along Main Street, cheering for their runners. It always sort of makes me tear up. It was neat to get to run down Main Street with my mom. Last year at the half, we happened to meet up there and get a cute picture, but during this race we were together on purpose!

After we ran down Main Street, we stopped for a picture with Buzz Lightyear! Then we used the park's bathrooms, which is ALWAYS a good idea. When you can avoid the port-a-potty, you always should. (At least, that is my philosophy.) We ran through Tomorrowland and into Fantasyland.. Then we ran through the castle and into Liberty Square and Frontierland. That's always a fun part for me, because I keep my eyes out for coworkers. This time, just like on Saturday, I stopped at the Market and waved to some of my fellow stockers.. then we went on our way. My mom and I had lost some time, but knew that we would make it up on the dreaded Bear Island Road. (I had been dreading Bear Island Road the most out of the whole race. I almost lost all of my motivation on Bear Island Road last year and nearly walked the entire thing!)

After Magic Kingdom, we ran back toward the Transportation and Ticket Center, where the next part of the course was to run on the Speedway. I had never even seen the Speedway, so I knew that it was going to be a surprise for me. This part was one of the new portions of the course that they had changed this year, for the 20th anniversary of the race. It actually ended up being pretty neat. There was a crazy downhill/uphill to get onto the speedway, which was ROUGH, but there were a lot of old cars sitting out. It reminded me of going to the Muddy River Run with my uncle when I was a kid. We also stopped for a picture with Mater from Cars. Otherwise, it was a little crazy how slanted the road was, some parts were a little more hilly than others. It was a good change, though. I'd definitely do that again rather than the "to EPCOT and back to the start line" beginning that we had done in the past.

After the Speedway was Bear Island Road. I told my mom that I had really struggled there last year and she had too. I was glad that it came earlier in the course this time, because I felt like I still had some energy to power through the road. At first, it was okay and we ran at a pretty good pace, cutting some legitimate time that we had lost during the Magic Kingdom. We chatted and stayed together. Eventually, we got to the sanitation plant, which was pretty terrible. It smelled worst than it had in years past and I literally had to run on the side of the road gagging. I was pretty sure that I was going to throw up... Somehow, I didn't and was able to keep going. (Then I made the mistake of waiting in the LONGEST bathroom line of all time and we lost ALL of the time that we had just made up. Plus some.)

Animal Kingdom was good. It's always really short though. I wish that there was another mile in the park, because it goes by so quickly. (Next year, I'm thinking about hopping on Expedition Everest during the marathon. That would be a hell of a story to tell!) When we got to the parking lot after Animal Kingdom (mile 14ish), I sped up a little bit, then slowed down. I really wanted to stay with my mom and help her stay motivated. She was doing her best, but really struggling with the heat. She was having some pain in her jaw that was bothering her and was drained. She told me to go ahead a couple times and joked about getting on the next bus, but ended up feeling a little better and we kept going. When we got to mile 16, we were running on one side of the street and lots of people ahead of us (at mile 21!) were running back on the opposite side of the street. All of a sudden, Kath came bounding across the grassy median to give hugs and say hello. I was very excited to see that she seemed to be feeling so awesome at that point.

My mom and I ended up splitting up right before mile 17. She had decided to walk for a while and I really wanted to just get moving. It was right before ESPN, which is pretty significant, because it was the part I was looking forward to the second least (only after Bear Island Road!). I knew that it was going to be a part that I was going to be in my head a LOT. The last time that I ran out there was during the Tower of Terror 10 miler, which was a really significant race for me personally and really signified a pretty big shift in my life. I expected to be hit with memories and I really was. There is something about running that can really get to me. I almost never run with music, so I am always stuck in my head thinking about things, memories, ideas, when I'm out there. All of the feelings that I had been feeling for the past several months hit me right then... like I expected. It was an extremely emotional three miles through the Wide World of Sports.. and I needed it. My life has been through so many changes in the past year that were awesome and awful. I thought about every moment during those three miles.

After the Wide World of Sports, I still had an okay pace. I pushed it up the last overpass toward Hollywood Studios, knowing that I was close and trying not to think about or be concerned for my mom. Running through Hollywood Studios was almost like a relief for me. I knew that I was almost there and I felt VERY strong and very confident. From that was the Boardwalk, then World Showcase at EPCOT... (I do love watching people buy beer and snacks during the final stretch of the  marathon.) Before I knew it, I had crossed the finish line! I was hot and emotional. I felt like my body had just been through one of the most difficult things it had ever been through... and that was accurate. It was the most emotional race of my life, topped by it being the day after a half.. and the heat was insane.

I turned on my phone as I walked toward the snack station and got a text from my mom saying that she had been picked up by the bus and was waiting for me. I almost lost it right then. Somehow, I walked to the Goofy Tent, got my medal, and then started crying. When I met up with my mom, I started sobbing. It was the most out of control I have been in a long time. I didn't even know how to put words to what I was feeling in that moment. It was nuts. Eventually, I calmed down and we got on the bus back to the hotel, showered, and got ready for the parks for the evening.

I felt more calm as time went on. I expected for it to be emotional, but all of it with the heat and with feeling sad that I left my mom and she didn't get to finish just combined for a really awful few moments.

...but I'll probably be back for more next year.

2013:
Miles run: 53.75/1000
Miles biked: 0
Meters swum: 0

Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend!!! (part 1. half marathon.)

I can't say that I was very excited about this weekend this year.. for a few reasons. This was my third Disney Marathon Weekend and my third Goofy's Race and a Half Challenge. I was nervous about it, because I knew that they had changed the marathon course and it would be a little bit different than I was used to. The weather forecast was terrible. (low to mid 80s. not okay for January.) Awful awful awful. Then, there were a few personal things that were hindering my excitement.



This year, my mom, her friend Jennifer, and Katherine all decided to run the marathon portion. (If you remember, faithful readers.. aka my mom, grandma, Kath, and Megi.. hahaha... my mom participated in the Goofy Challenge last year and loved and hated it, but decided not to do it this year.)




Kath and I went to the expo on Thursday after I got out of class. We had to kinda rush over, because we wanted to be sure to have a little bit of time to walk around and look at stuff. We ended up with about an hour and a half to pick up our race stuff and look around the expo. It ended up being just about the right amount of time. We decided that we would have liked to have had a little bit more time, but we were okay. One really cool thing that they had at the expo was the wall of all of the runners' names like the Chicago Marathon had at their expo (I'm not sure if it was just marathoners or not, because everyone in our group was doing the full marathon.). That was really neat. I hope that I can see a wall of names at a lot of my races in the future.

I ended up buying myself some compression socks and a jacket. I really wanted some more 2xU compression socks, since they are my new favorite, but the ones that I got were Zensah, which I also use... and were a little cheaper. Can't go wrong with a good deal. This time, I got purple tie dye compression sleeves, which adds to my collection of one pink and one red pair. I need more colors so I don't look ridiculous with brightly colored compression socks with my non-matching shorts and shirts. hahaha. There is definitely something to be said about trying to look cute when going for a run! (It IS possible. I assure you!)

On Friday, my mom and Jen flew in! I picked them up to the airport, we picked up some groceries, and off to Disney it was! First, we hit up the expo (again for me! can't get enough!), then went to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe at Downtown Disney. That was fun. I had some awesome coconut shrimp, which I loved! Everyone's food looked pretty yummy, though. The next thing I knew, it was time to go check into the hotel and go to sleep.. Saturday's wake up call was going to come way too soon!

Saturday. Half Marathon.

After a few hours of restless sleep, my alarm went off... at 3 am. (that's my least favorite part of Run Disney. Good Lord.) Katherine and I got out of bed and slowly got dressed.. I had a traditional half of a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast on the bus as we headed to EPCOT. When we got there, we walked around and talked a little bit, then I went off to the corrals, while Katherine went to her usual spectator spots. The walk to the corrals was REALLY crowded this year for some reason. I don't know if it was because we walked around and talked instead of heading right for them or what. Whatever it was, it was nuts. I finally got to my corral when the fireworks were going off...  (It is also worth mentioning that they played "Bye, Bye, Bye" when Joey Fatone crossed the start line. I was such a middle school girl again during that moment. It was fantastic.)

  The half was more about fun for me. I planned to pace myself well and stop for pictures whenever I felt like it. So that's how it went. I ran at a pretty decent pace until I got to the Magic Kingdom. At that point, I stopped for a lot of pictures in the park, which was fun and definitely worth it. I was not worried about getting picked up by the bus or pushing it too hard that I would end up hurt for the full the next day. I had a ton of fun. I saw Kath at her usual spectating points, which was pretty awesome (though more crowded than usual this year!). It's always nice to see someone that you know out there cheering. Props to her for being awesome and getting up early for so many races that she isn't even running!

After I left the Magic Kingdom, I picked up the pace a little bit. By that point, I was practically halfway back to EPCOT. I didn't really have any qualms about not finishing like I have before. It's crazy how much confidence can build up over a period of time. Last year, I was super anxious about the sweeper bus. This year, I really wasn't worried at all.

I had a ton of fun running the half. I love doing these races. It was a little bit emotional for me, because it brought back a lot of memories of different things and people throughout the last year. It's really good to have that time to think, though. When I'm doing other things, I can avoid really thinking deeply the way that I do when I run.  When I'm running, there really isn't any other option than to get into my head and really think about things. That's really important.. and I'm glad that I have that time.

[the full marathon post will come this weekend!]


2013


Miles run: 50.65/1000
Miles biked: 0
Meters swum: 0

hugeeee breakthrough at the gym.

Today and yesterday, I killed it in the gym. No joke. In fact, you could say I had a breakthrough yesterday that carried over into today.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Actually, I had a rough week for many reasons... including school, work, being away from my family when family members were very ill, and so on. My stress level was pretty much through the roof. But, I agreed to meet Mark, my trainer, at the gym for a session before my class.

The first thing that he said that we were going to do was the stairmaster for 20 minutes. Then he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think that I'd be able to do it for the entire 20 minutes. I'm a stubborn person, actually. Sometimes, I will go out of my way to prove that I can do something that I've been told I can't or shouldn't be able to do (like move to Florida. ha.). Actually, he went on to say that most of his clients could only do 8-10 minutes on the stair master maximum.

When I got to about 12 or 13 minutes, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. I had almost given up on myself, but for some reason I didn't. At any point, I could have hopped right off of the machine. Actually, I got really mad that Mark didn't stop the machine for me so I could quit. Somehow, I pushed through it. Sweat was coming out of every pore of my body. I had sweat puddles in my hands. That's disgusting actually. That was probably my second biggest exercise related breakthrough that I have had. Ever. Second to Goofy's Challenge in January.

I have so many goals in my life that I don't want to cut short due to obesity. Knowing that obesity has become such an American epidemic, it scares the hell out of me.. knowing that I was close to 200 pounds a few years ago... scares the hell out of me, too. I feel like I'm still fighting my weight and I am. Every day, I have to choose between whether to drink a liter of Mountain Dew or to fill up my water bottle for the day. Between Kath and I, we go through 8 gallons of water in about a week and a half. That's a lot of water. It's a struggle making healthy decisions every day of my life. Actually, there are so many times that I don't make a good decision and it's frustrating. I try to pick myself up and keep going though.

That's what kept me going on the stairmaster. Actually, it was that and thinking about my uncle who was hospitalized for an extremely high blood sugar and a new diagnosis of diabetes. I've always wanted to inspire people. I've wanted to make a difference. Maybe if I keep going, I will continue to inspire people to change their lives. I have so much knowledge that I can share. I'd love it if my entire family could live the healthiest that is possible for them. I'm not saying that it's in the cards for everyone I know to become vegan, but everyone has little changes that can be made. It is for sure a possibility.

I also learned that my little brother wants to run a marathon and that he even bought running shoes.  I'm ecstatic for him. It would be so cool to run a race with my mom and all three of my siblings someday. I hope it's in the cards.