celebrating 500 miles in 2012! (so far!)

So this is crazy! I'm officially past 500 miles for the year. I'm SO excited about it. So. SO. excited. I know that I'm late for the year and I'm past the  month mark, but I really feel like I can get to the mileage that I want to get to. (that being 1000 miles in one year. which lots of people have done for many years.)

Yesterday, I ran with Seth for the first time in the history of ever. We didn't take any pictures while running to post to the blog (oops), but it was fun! I was really nervous, because I haven't run with anybody besides my mom and Katherine. I am always pretty self conscious about my pace, especially when I'm running with someone that I know is faster than me. We worked really well together and I had a lot of fun! I'm really excited about it and next time, I won't have to be nervous about running with Seth! haha. (but I will definitely continue to be nervous about running with other people. beyond him. and Kath.)

We ran 8 miles, so we both felt pretty much like beasts afterwards. That's because we are beasts. But ya know.

Today, I was thinking about pushing my run off until tomorrow, because I didn't get much sleep and was beyond tired. However, my computer was acting up, so I went. I did 9 miles in a 14:50-ish pace, which I'm really proud of, because it was terribly hot outside. So yeah. That is really fun news! My legs are a little tired, but I mostly feel awesome right now.

I'm still terrified about Chicago, but I'm also feeling really awesome about how my training is going. My pace is a little awful all of the time, but I think that part of the problem is that I have been worn out and the heat in Central Florida is really tough to run in. What worries me the most is that I'm starting toward the end of Chicago so there is potential that it could be REALLY warm outside. That freaks me out, honestly. I know the midwest and I know that early October in the midwest could be nice or awful. We'll find out.

I'm SO excited to be at 500 miles. Yeeeah me!

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 500.78 miles/229 days
To go: 499.22 miles/137 days

grumpy gills

Life is exhausting. Sometimes, I do wonder if I have too much on my plate. Maybe I want too much for myself. Maybe my dreams are unattainable. I don't know today.

I don't know why I'm trying so hard to be fit. I don't understand why I read about it, think about it, act on it, spend money on it. I don't know why I love running races. If I didn't spend so much time working out, I'd have an extra 45 minutes to an hour or more to do something else. To eat. Brownies. Cookies. French Fries. Damn it. I just want to eat some brownies.

Ugh. I have nothing positive to say. Today went by too quickly. There's no time left. My time management skills flew out the window. I felt like an idiot in class and had nothing to contribute to discussion, and on and on and on and on.

I'm just a grumpy gills tonight.

keep on pushing through.

Life is draining.
Thankfully, I didn't get much sleep last night and was able to get a lot done in the morning. Ok, I'm not that thankful that I didn't get very much sleep, but I am thankful that I got to do a little bit of lifting in the morning and I'm going to do a little more before I go to bed tonight. I'm definitely feeling the afterburn from my workout last night. My legs are tired. I'm glad, however, that the pain isn't as bad as I thought it would be. That's a definite sign that my body is improving. Yay for that news!

I'm starting to get a little bit more comfortable in my body. Honestly, I have worn more pairs of shorts in the last two months than I have in the last five years. That's not to say that I'm completely comfortable in my own skin but that I'm getting to that point. I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful that I have the opportunities that I have been given, even though life is a struggle at times. It definitely is.

I just keep trying to push through.

beyond ambitious

 I just got back from the gym. I had a training session that went pretty well. It was legs, which is usually really tough. Since my legs are the weakest part of my body, my work out was tough. It gets sort of embarassing when my trainer asks me to do a certain exercise and my legs start shaking uncontrollable. I do wish that I had a little more strength in my legs so that I wouldn't have to deal with my legs shaking like that. It's obvious that my muscles need a lot more work.

The workout went pretty well, which was great. I did struggle quite a bit, but was able to push through and complete all of the exercises. I can definitely sense changes within myself while I have been doing these sessions and while I've been exercising on my own, but I wish that changes happened sooner. Hell, I wish that I could wake up in the morning and have the exact body that I want. I have to work at it, though. The most unfortunate part of it all is that it takes such an extravagant amount of time and work. It's not like I can just dedicate all of my time every day to exercise. It's sort of unfortunate, honestly.

I have been working really hard on my body strength. Every day, I've exercised for at least 20 minutes. I'm so glad that I have stuck to this change in my life. It would have been so easy for me to have given up and stopped all of this, especially after all of the frustration from the inability to continue running. I am SO frustrated that I haven't been able to run lately. So. Frustrated. Actually, to the point that it feels like all I ever talk about in this blog is my sprained ankle, wah wah wah. I could have just given up and spent my time laying around, but I haven't. I'm glad with the changes that I have made. I'm also glad that I'm healing a little bit. I'm so looking forward to getting out there and running regularly again.

I'm definitely working on my time management skills. Today is a prime example. I've been trying to find ways to use every free minute to it's fullest extent. Today, I got up, read some news online while I got dressed, then went to work. I was scheduled until 5:15, but was able to get done about 30 minutes early, so I got to hurry home for my training session. I got home, got dressed, and left within just a little bit of time. I was a little late to my training session, which I was disappointed in, but I'm at least fortunate that I got there and got to work out. Like I said before, my legs were literally shaking at the end of the work out. I know that means that I'm pushing my boundaries and I KNOW that's positive. It's just really tough sometimes, because I want to see changes in me, but they are coming slowly. I'm possibly one of the most impatient people that I know. Quite possibly. I just wish I could have a few extra hours in the day in order to effectively manage my time, in order to reach more of my goals.

I feel that I'm a goal oriented person. Today, though, I've wondered if I've set my sights too high. Maybe my goals are unreachable. Goodness, I hope not. I want to be athletic. I want to run more marathons. I want to be Boston Qualified. I dream of being a certified SCUBA diver, a triathlete, maybe a personal trainer. I want to write novels, to be a professor, to make a difference. I want to organize events for epilepsy awareness.

I hope that one day I can reach all of these goals and more. I want to make a difference in the world. That had been my dream for my entire life. I know that I can reach it. I just have to continue to push myself as hard as I can. There is no option. If I do my best, work my hardest, there is no option but success... at least at some point in the future.

Big dreamers can do big things.

I didn't participate in National Running Day like I intended to. Frankly, I am disappointed in myself. I feel like there was more that I could have done to really commemorate the day. My original intention was to go to the gym. Little did I know that my book for class would be a pain in the rear to get ahold of and I had to stay home until the mail came in order to get it and read it before class (yeah.... and it won't even be here until tomorrow anyways. Ugh!!). That excuse is sort of lame. So, I decided to either go to the gym in the morning and come back to study for my quiz [that ended up being postponed] or to just run-walk [i am still trying to allow my ankle maximum healing time] outside for an hour or so in between studying. I ended up pretty much deciding just to run outside for a while nad do some weight training in my apartment in order to save maximum time.

So. I got up, read a little bit, had my vitamins, grabbed some breakfast and a big water bottle, and sat down at my computer to start my school work. About 20 minutes into that, I heard rain. I looked out the window and it was pouring. So, I figured I'd give it an hour and the rain would stop. Then, I heard that it was thundering... then I was reading the news and saw that there were bad storms coming through. So frustrating. Then the ankle pain started.... Needless to say, I didn't make it outside and I didn't make it to the gym. I'm for sure frustrated with myself for not going, because, although some of it was out of my control, I could have made some changes and done some things differently in order to ensure that I ran today, but I didn't. I am trying to take it easy on my ankle, though, because I do want to run again someday. It wouldn't be worth it to push myself too hard and never be able to run again. That would suck.

I am still doing my daily workouts though. I have a little over two weeks left of my month of daily work outs. It was a goal that I set for myself after I read someone else's blog in which they set a goal for a month for themselves. I think that it's an interesting idea to try to change yourself by making a fairly short term goal. I think that it opens a lot of possibilities for learning and changing. After this month is up, I will probably try to continue working out at least a little bit daily, but also adding another month long goal. I haven't really decided what my next goal will be, though. I have a few weeks to think about it though, I suppose.

I do still feel fairly optimistic. I was talking to a girl that I've had in some classes today about fitness, because she said she felt inspired by me when I talked about running Goofy's Challenge in class.. and she was so inspired that she'd decided to do a 5k this summer. Hearing things like that really are touching and inspiring for me. I feel like if I can inspire her in that way, I definitely can do huge things like I have wanted to do since I was a child. I have always dreamed of being huge: a novelist, President, an athlete, and so on and so forth. I already have felt like I can do big things in life, but actually hearing that I've had an influence in that way is a really positive thing for me. I definitely want to continue to be able to inspire people. Anyways, I told her about some of my other goals and relayed my frustrationgs with my ankle, which was cool for me. I don't really feel like I ahve a ton of people that I can talk about fitness with like that, so that was really neat for me. I am glad that I got to have that conversation. I feel like I should be able to reach for a triathlon and reach for completing Boston someday.

I do dream big don't I? But, how else is there to dream? I have to be able to have huge dreams in order to achieve big things. All I've ever wanted was to make changes in the world. I know that I can do it. I just have to reach for it and push myself to my limit and beyond.

putting in the work, waiting on the results.

I feel like I'm definitely on the right track right now. I bought some new weights and started setting up my little motivation area in my room. If I didn't live in a small apartment, I'd go all out and start setting up a home gym (though that would be a huge financial commitment haha), but alas, I do not. All I have is my little apartment. So that's the start of my inspiration area in my room. I moved a bookshelf out of my closet that I was storing shoes on and set up my work out things on it. I have a few sets of weights, a brand new kettlebell, and so on. Exciting! I just want to make my room more "me", I guess. It has been a pretty bland area since I moved in. I threw up my bed, some bookshelves (I'm a book addict, no joke), and filled my closet with clothes, but beyond that, I haven't done much. I'm looking forward to a finished product.

I'm still planning on getting a few miles in tomorrow. My ankle isn't 100% yet, naturally, but it's getting a little better day by day. [then a little worse, then better again.] My run last week didn't kill me and it only hurt that day and the morning afterwards. Thankfully, I have Thursday off of work, so if my ankle does hurt, I should be alright.

I feel like my goals are definitely within reach. Like I've stated recently, I've felt pretty hopeless in the past few months, especially after I sprained my ankle, but it's been getting so much better. I've been feeling happier and been able to sense a lot more possibility. It's awesome. It's even beyond just the work outs that I have been doing- it goes into my school work, my job (sort of lol), my future, etc etc etc. I feel like I can do huge things, which is definitely something that I have always wanted for myself.

I'm trying to focus on what inspires me, especially since I'm going to try to set up a motivational area in my bedroom, focused on what motivates and inspires me. I think that has had an impact on the change in my mood. I'm definitely not complaining about it. I'm also glad that I haven't had to use my crutches in several weeks. I have definitely been surrounded by positivity lately. Yay for me. :)

As I continue to work on my "motivation space", I'll take some photographs to share here on my blog. It will hopefully be in the next week or so... or maybe I'll take and post pictures of my progress as my space changes bit by bit. Hmm...

Workout stats from today- arms and core. I mostly used free weights.

I'm sore and tired. That's about it.

a dream is a wish your heart makes... [then you have to accomplish on your own]

Sometimes, I wonder how I got here... to this place in which I'm stuck complaining about my inability to run. I mean, if I backtrack just a few years, I was happy to sit in front of the television all day long eating cookie dough. Let's backtrack even further... McDonalds, Arby's, Dairy Queen... I loved it all. My weight ballooned into obesity while I was still in high school. No wonder I still have issues with food & my insecurities aren't so easy to beat. I just don't understand how I went from that point to this point. I mean, it's not like I spend 20 hours a day at the gym- but I am doing my damnedest to get myself into the best shape that I can. I am pretty sure that one of the  biggest problems is that I can't just make a lifestyle change that easily.

It sounds easy though. Eat right. Buy healthy foods. Get enough sleep. Work out. Pretty simple. I wish that I could do it in that simple of a manner. But, I drive by an Arby's, and all I want is an order of curly fries and a roast beef sandwhich... and hell, while I'm at it, why not a beef-n-cheddar. Might as well go all out. Sometimes, I falter. Other times, I don't. I'm practically food obsessed. It's not as simple as calories in and calories out for me. I have to think and rethink everything... then I feel guilty about it. It's really a terrible cycle.. the kind of cycle that is beyond difficult to pull myself out of. Ugh.

I feel like a peaceful feeling is coming over me, though. I've been doing a better job about food choices, first of all. (yay me!) Second, I've just been feeling more motivated and less hopeless as of late. I've been killing it in my workouts- even just average at home weight lifting with some core exercises (plank, etc.). My body feels like it is on fire and I'm ecstatic about it. I feel really positive about the changes that I'm making... and trust me, positivity is a huge deal in my life.

I just wish that I was seeing the results that I want to see. I wish that I saw huge changes in my weight daily. I don't see much change at all. I know that there are other factors that go into that, but it's still really frustrating. I look at my body and don't see anything that looks different- and I don't feel too positive when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm expecting too much out of myself, I guess. I know that it takes time to see changes. I'm one of the most impatient people that I know, while also being beyond a perfectionist. Is there something past a perfectionist? That would be me. That's where the frustration lies.

HOWEVER... back to my positivity. I look at the changes that I have made, the races that I have done, the medals I have earned, the weight I've left behind, and I'm ecstatic. I have accomplished a lot in a few years. Plus two Bachelors Degrees and the entrance to graduate school... plus many other personal accomplishments. I guess that I've pushed myself pretty far. I can look behind myself and see all of that. I feel like I'm definitely on the right road.. that I can accomplish a lot of things. I just can't give up. No way.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I'm one of those people who sets goals. lots of goals. Some of those goals being beyond what regular people set for themselves. I want to be something huge, I guess. I do feel like I can do big things. Right now, I've been feeling a rare sense of motivation.. and possibility for myself. I just hope that the feeling sticks around.

[Kath, me, Aladdin, and Jasmine... four big dreamers.]