Life can be overwhelming sometimes. I often wonder what happened to time.. or daylight, maybe. Didn't we just "save" daylight on Sunday? That's what I thought.
Somehow, my exhaustion from last month is carrying over into this month. I'm not where I wanted to be mileage, but right now I'm going back and forth on which is more important: running or school. Usually, school wins. Actually, I'm pretty sure school always needs to win. I WAS really dedicated to getting my goal a few months ago, but I feel like, with midterms and papers, my non-school goals are sort of falling by the wayside. It's sort of awful.
I sit here and go through the "what ifs" in my head sometimes. What IF I had a normal job when I wasn't working 3 pm to 1 or 2 am..? What IF I didn't have grad school on top of everything else? What IF I was more serious about it? What IF I didn't feel lazy much of the time? What IF I didn't let little setbacks hold me back for a long time? What IF I lived somewhere that I felt safe enough to run outside at night?
It's sort of crazy, because I know that I can't sit here and think about the "what if(s)" all of the time. I just do it anyways. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. (actually, let's be realistic... I KNOW that I'm too hard on myself.) It is really hard for me to get out of that frame of mind sometimes. I know how I SHOULD look at things, but then I see my mistakes or my misgivings and they seem pretty strong. I need to give myself more opportunities to make mistakes.
Anyways, today I had a midterm and spent much of the day trying to study and mentally prepare for it. (another reason I didn't run yesterday. I'm not sure if that's a valid excuse or not...) Kath and I decided to hit the gym tonight, so I decided that running on either the treadmill or on the track would work. I was WRONG.
I really struggled at the gym today. Kath and I lifted for a little bit, then went on the rower for about 15 minutes or so. After THAT, we hit the track. Sort of. I thought, maybe, we'd go five miles. Negative. Before we even got to one mile, I felt like I just didn't want to be there. I don't know what my problem is. So we ran/walked... and ran/walked some more. I started to feel like a hamster running on a wheel. It was a little bit miserable. I kept thinking about how I wanted to be outside and how much more freeing it is to run outdoors.
I just don't even know what to do anymore. I'm busy a lot of the time. I don't like running at night around here, but then again, I don't like treadmills and I don't like tracks. What else is there but for me to be whiny and complain-y? I need to open up my mind more, I guess. That's something that I need to think about.
Tomorrow I have a personal training session AND class. I'd love to fit in a run, too. I'm going to do my best. I'm logical enough to know that my best is all I can give. But I'm emotional enough to understand that sometimes my best doesn't FEEL like enough.
Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 187.71 miles/74 days
To go: 812.29 miles/292 days