Wednesday, March 14, 2012

like a hamster on a wheel.

Life can be overwhelming sometimes. I often wonder what happened to time.. or daylight, maybe. Didn't we just "save" daylight on Sunday? That's what I thought.

Somehow, my exhaustion from last month is carrying over into this month. I'm not where I wanted to be mileage, but right now I'm going back and forth on which is more important: running or school. Usually, school wins. Actually, I'm pretty sure school always needs to win. I WAS really dedicated to getting my goal a few months ago, but I feel like, with midterms and papers, my non-school goals are sort of falling by the wayside. It's sort of awful.

I sit here and go through the "what ifs" in my head sometimes. What IF I had a normal job when I wasn't working 3 pm to 1 or 2 am..? What IF I didn't have grad school on top of everything else? What IF I was more serious about it? What IF I didn't feel lazy much of the time? What IF I didn't let little setbacks hold me back for a long time? What IF I lived somewhere that I felt safe enough to run outside at night?

It's sort of crazy, because I know that I can't sit here and think about the "what if(s)" all of the time. I just do it anyways. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. (actually, let's be realistic... I KNOW that I'm too hard on myself.) It is really hard for me to get out of that frame of mind sometimes. I know how I SHOULD look at things, but then I see my mistakes or my misgivings and they seem pretty strong. I need to give myself more opportunities to make mistakes.

Anyways, today I had a midterm and spent much of the day trying to study and mentally prepare for it. (another reason I didn't run yesterday. I'm not sure if that's a valid excuse or not...) Kath and I decided to hit the gym tonight, so I decided that running on either the treadmill or on the track would work. I was WRONG.

I really struggled at the gym today. Kath and I lifted for a little bit, then went on the rower for about 15 minutes or so. After THAT, we hit the track. Sort of. I thought, maybe, we'd go five miles. Negative. Before we even got to one mile, I felt like I just didn't want to be there. I don't know what my problem is. So we ran/walked... and ran/walked some more. I started to feel like a hamster running on a wheel. It was a little bit miserable. I kept thinking about how I wanted to be outside and how much more freeing it is to run outdoors.

I just don't even know what to do anymore. I'm busy a lot of the time. I don't like running at night around here, but then again, I don't like treadmills and I don't like tracks. What else is there but for me to be whiny and complain-y? I need to open up my mind more, I guess. That's something that I need to think about.

Tomorrow I have a personal training session AND class. I'd love to fit in a run, too. I'm going to do my best. I'm logical enough to know that my best is all I can give. But I'm emotional enough to understand that sometimes my best doesn't FEEL like enough.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 187.71 miles/74 days
To go: 812.29 miles/292 days

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you are getting back into training. Realistically it will make you more toned and feel better about yourself and the leg workouts will help your legs be stronger for your runs...however, that is also one more thing that will take away from running. I hope that when you are at the gym for training then you can make it a habit of getting in a couple miles and then do longer runs outside. I know you always have really high expectations for yourself and a lot of things can get in the way but I really believe you will reach your 1000 mile goal this year! :)