Friday, June 15, 2012

blurring the line

I had a conversation with Katherine the other day. It was a conversation I never really thought that I would have with anybody. Ever. I was getting changed into my pajamas and looked at myself in the mirror. (If you know me well, you know that I RARELY look at myself in the mirror. Self-esteem issues...) The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey Kath!
Kath: What? (frantically. I might have yelled a little. ha.)
Me: Look! My stomach is almost flat now!
Kath: Yup, it is.

It seems sort of silly, but it was a big moment for me. I've been fat. I've been obese. I've been embarassed by my body and have bought lots of loose t-shirts to hide it. I've untagged myself in photo after photo on Facebook. I've almost been in hiding, in a sense. It's been about three and a half yaers since I started losing weight, first through Weight Watchers, then through running. (The running has stuck a lot longer than the Weight Watchers.) I even strength train now.

I've lost a lot of weight. A lot. My body is not where I want it to be. But it's closer. I'm glad that I have a lot of pictures of me as I've lost weight in order to show myself the process. It's hard to have those pictures, me showing my body in a way that I'd never show an actual human being. But they're saved on my computer and I can look at them when I need to. I'm not obese anymore. I'm almost into a normal weight range, according to my BMI. It's amazing.


Anyways, I ran again today.
My legs are burning. Like crazy. But I did it.
It wasn't a long run, but I'm glad I'm back out there. My training plan for Chicago starts in a few days. I'm going to actually try to follow a plan for the first time ever. I want to get myself to where I want to be. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen. I want to make them happen. Something in me has changed in the last few weeks. It's more than running.

This is my life. I need to be happy. I can't sit around and wait to be happy. I have to seek it out. I thought I was getting happy, but maybe that happiness was dependent on the approval and support of others. I need it to be dependent on me. That's part of why I run. It's independent. It's who I am.

...that's also why I write.

I'm afraid that in the coming weeks, I'm going to have a major life transformation moment and that this blog will become blurred. A blur of running and writing, those lives and my private life.. the life I keep to myself. I'm not sure how to handle that.

But yes. Today was a little over five miles. I'm pleased.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 238.58 miles/167 days
To go: 761.42 miles/199 days


  1. I like this post. I hope this spirit in you continues. You are doing great!

  2. I love this post -- use it as a reminder of where you've been, what you've done and how much more you CAN do! Good things are headed your way. :)