Thursday, September 30, 2010

struggling today.

I don't know why I struggle so much. It's not that I'm lazy per se. I'm doing a million different things, which exhausts me. Maybe it's priorities.

I've heard about having an accountability partner, especially when talking to some of my more religious friends. Many have someone that can be there to support them and keep them going in their spiritual journey. I probably need a spiritual accountability partner, too, but I'm really focusing on exercising right now.

When I'm running, I don't push myself as hard as I could... I don't work to my potential. That's the reality of it. Only once or twice have I actually pushed myself AS HARD as I could possibly push myself. That's sad. I do push myself when I'm lifting weights, sometimes beyond what is neccessary, but I don't lift as often as I have in the past. I've never pushed myself as hard as I could. I guess that is something that I should work on, but I don't trust myself to do it on my own. I set goals for myself and I don't always follow through with them. When I am running, I do combine it with walking. Sometimes, I walk more than I need to. I know that I can push myself further and run harder than I normally do. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm just struggling. I don't know what the problem is.

I also don't know an easy solution.

I worked out really hard tonight on the Wii... using Wii Active. I pushed myself harder than I have in a long time... I was getting REALLY mad at the game, though. Really mad. I'm exhausted and I smell horrible. My legs feel like jello. I wasn't even going to work out at all today, but I started watching Biggest Loser online, because I don't have cable and didn't watch yesterday. Something about watching clicked something in me, though. Those people are far worse off than I am, but they push themselves a hundred times harder. I guess that's something that I want to work toward.

I do want this. I want to be a runner. I want to push myself. HARD. I want to be able to give it my all without giving up. I want to stop being frustrated with my times, with my weight, with my eating habits. Obviously that takes some changes that I have to make within myself.

I just wish it could be that easy.


  1. I wish it were easier too. Since when was anything in your life easy??? ;) It seems like a lot of times it feels like a chore to run but once you are out there doing it or done with your run you are grateful that you did it. You are by far not lazy but sometimes maybe you need to prioritize a little differently. We could all benefit from that here and there.

    I can't believe how hard that wii active is. When I read this post it sort of makes me think "she worked really hard doing a wii game?" but that would most certianly be the top wii exercise game I would recommend to people if I had to as far as working your heart and strenghtening your muscles. I don't know all its features, I just knwo that I've never had such a hard workout in such a short time on a supposedly "easy" setting.

    Myabe biggest loser can be one of your motivators. I know freshman year running really helped me work out emotions even though I was just a starting out runner. It helped me to clear my head and sometimes I would just sort of say a phrase or word over and over in my head to a certain beat. Or I would listen to music. Or I would think. I like how we use running as a time for conversation but I guess we need to stop that sort of so we can get more dedicated. I know I'm not where I'd like to be since I'll be doing that race soon. I hope my feet don't bother me during the race....

  2. You have me iintrigued about Wii active.

    Not all of your runs need to be HARD. Some should be "easy". Races are usually HARD. Speedwork is HARD. But not every time you go out there you should push it. Just a thought. :-)