sometimes the little steps are more important

I'm embarassed.

It's almost as though I'm on some kind of a roller coaster of life. I'm flip flopping from making healthy choices to making stupid decisions. I've gone from being impressed with my dedication to laying in bed half of the day watching documentaries on my laptop. Not to mention that I am full of excuses and every time that I stop at Arby's or at Steak n Shake, I just think it'll be "just this once" or that "I'm in a hurry today.."

I don't know why I'm doing this. Since the beginning of May, I've been training with Mark at least twice a week every week (except maybe 2). Somehow, I desperately need to change the focus in my mind. I was working on an inspiration wall not long ago, I bought weights and a fitness ball. I got all kinds of fitness/health oriented things and put them in my room. I own 4 or 5 exercise Wii games. I don't know why I've stopped. Beyond working out with Mark, I've been taking it too easy.

There's no excuse for not running regularly, especially when I have races coming up. I know that I'm becoming more fit, but not to the point that I could be. I try to imagine what I'd be like if I actually pushed myself. I'd be somewhere past where I am now. I'd have at least another ten pounds off of me. I'd actually feel better about myself and my life. I'd be less depressed. I'd feel a hell of a lot less sorry for myself. My confidence would be skyrocketing. Instead, some days I just feel like I'd rather sleep all day, sleep until it's time to go to work... or school... or whatever I'm doing that day.

One change that I did make was to start going back to church. That's important and something that I've wanted to do for at least a year now. It was just difficult trying to find a church that fit me. I gave up for a while, but I did find one. It helped that my little sister asked me to be her Confirmation Sponsor, which is a huge deal. I'm really trying to take it seriously and make changes in my life. I'm so glad that I've taken this step because it has brought a sense of peace into my life.

There is just more that needs to be done.

I'm going to meet with a dietician in the next week. I was going to meet with her today, but she wasn't in her office. There is one at my school's gym that I can see for free. I need to get on a food plan, something that I can stick to. Like with exercising, it is so much easier if I push myself to my goals with the help of someone else. If I have someone's expertise, it is easier to do the right things, make the right decisions. For some reason, I don't have the dedication that I should have. I have to get used to the fact that it is okay to lean on something else. I need to let go of some of my comfort foods and branch out to different, healthier things. Instead of eating something quick, I should sit down and make foods, pack my lunch, and take the time to do things that will help me eat healthier. I have made some changes... some positive changes, but more does need to be done. Nutrition is the most difficult part of this whole journey for me and I definitely need to work on it.

I'm also going to try to get back into the habit of working out at least 30 minutes per day. I have to. Whether it's running, lifting, playing a fitness Wii game, or working with my trainer, I need to push myself harder. It's so important.  I want to be athletic. I want to do a triathlon. I want to do huge things for myself. There is not much that is more important to me than to do big things with my life, starting with the races that I have coming up... eventually becoming a triathlete, and maybe more. I'm definitely a goal oriented person.

I'm also going to try to cut out fast food. No more. I've got to start packing my lunch, taking the time to write down everything that I'm eating, count my calories, and be dedicated to this. I don't want to be morbidly obese. I don't want heart disease. I don't want to die young. It's beyond important to me that I'm as healthy as I can be.

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Today at the gym, I did impress myself. I'm lifting weights with my legs that are two and three times heavier than weights that I lifted just a few months ago when I started working out with Mark. I'm slowly getting closer to my goals. No, I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm working toward it. That's what is important.

It takes little steps to get to the big goals sometimes.