five random thoughts.

1. So, I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. It was something that I was debating about, something that I wasn't 100% sure about, because I knew how much I lack at self-motivation. By paying for this membership, I would have to force myself to actually go, or else I'd be throwing my hard earned money down the drain, towards nothing. So, I've been going.

I miss working out with my personal trainer in Florida a lot. It might be a self-conscious thing, because I do know what I am doing in the gym. (Mark did teach me a LOT over the years.) The thing is, when I'm there, actually doing it, it makes me nervous to actually legitimately lift weights... even though I know that I know what I'm doing. So today, I did some dead lifts. I felt weird about it, but I did it. I think it was the first step in the process.

I'm also thinking about doing some fitness classes, too. I have a list of classes for the month of December, I just have to pick some out and go.

(I also desperately need to get myself in the pool. I miss lap swimming more than anything. That's my real cardio love. Even though I run all of the time, swimming is my true love.)

2. I'm getting to know myself again. When I lived in Florida, I was always busy. I worked multiple jobs, worked out a lot, and was social with my free time. Some days, I was so exhausted that I would fall asleep on the futon watching a movie with my roommate. (On that note, I still haven't seen the entire Silver Linings Playbook. Sorry Kath.)

So, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and not allowing myself to work two jobs for as long as I'm in Indiana. I've been spending time with friends and family.. and have been going to the gym for the last few weeks. That has been very important. It has been tough, though, because I'm used to always doing something. I'm used to being busy.

But, I've been reading, writing, thinking about the future, and processing the present.. and it has been good. I'm remembering things that I love, things that I've stopped doing. (like the writing thing.)

I've had the idea to start a photography business. I remember how much I loved photography when I took classes in high school. I wouldn't make it my main source of income, but I may invest in a dslr after Christmas and do some photography around town.

(starting with my mom's engagement photos. no, mom, I haven't forgotten you.)

So, by getting to know myself, by giving myself that time, I'm getting excited for the adventures that lie ahead for me. I feel like I have some good opportunities ahead, I just have to make some decisions. I'm pretty fortunate in that sense.

3. My friend Latefa moved back, too. I'm actually pretty excited about this one. I came back to Indiana, knowing that most of my friends had left and the ones that were still in the same state were definitely not in the same town... then, one day, I got a text when I was out on a run that said, "I'm home!"

After a confusing conversation, I realized that my friend had moved back, too. She didn't tell anybody that she was coming, so she blew me (and her family) out of the water. She moved away several years ago, too, so we had not gotten to have real time together in a very long time. She has jumped right onto my adventuring ideas, though, and we have had a good time.

We've talked a lot about the future and about traveling together, so maybe that will happen eventually.. We went to France together in high school, which was incredible. Now we both want to go to all of the places. It is fun to have a friend with that kind of a mindset, too. I'm very thankful to have her in town.

(even though I think my grandma likes her better than she likes me!)

4. November was a half-success. I didn't succeed at the National Novel Writing part.. life kind of got in the way. (again.) I am a little disappointed in that, but I know that I will eventually get my writing out there. I did write some really powerful pieces about my state of mind, so I'm glad with that. I may try to get one or two published.

I did really put it out there with my Epilepsy Awareness Month personal campaign. For the past few years, I've only talked about it on the internet, through my various social media platforms. This year, though, I was able to talk about my journey with people in person. I am much less inhibited about the issue than I have been in the past. Over the years, I've just become more comfortable with explaining epilepsy to other people, whether it be my own story, or the stories of other people that I know. I think that is important.

I'm excited to keep educating people. I hope that, eventually, I can share it on an even bigger platform that I can right now. I'm working towards that. It's a pretty big deal.

5. I'm excited for the next month or so. My best friend is coming to town for a week and a half or so pretty soon. I can't wait to have some Indiana adventures with her. (and to spend some time with my second family.)

I also have the Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend coming up in a month. I'm already freaking out a little bit. I don't feel ready, and I know that I'm not ready, but I'm working towards it. I won't PR again, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed to have a great time. (because, I usually do.) I'm also very excited to see my Orlando friends that I miss so much. I won't be there for long, but it will be wonderful to have that time with them. I do want to scoop them all up and bring them with me on the rest of my adventures.

Then, there's also Christmas. I love Christmas.  I'm a complete Christmas fanatic, I love giving gifts, I love decorating, I love the family time... it's one of my favorite things. I also love going to Christmas Eve Mass. Oh man. I'm very glad that I am in town and that I will get to enjoy all of these thing with my family. If there is nothing else that I learned from living out of state for so many years, it's how precious it is to spend the holidays with family. I'm very excited for this year.

(even though I have to work. it will be wonderful. love love.)

 

and here's a photo for photo's sake.

this is from October, going to play in the woods with my special two year old nuggetty-cousin.

New shoes, July recap, and week 7 of training (already?!)

This is going to be an exciting post! Lots to talk about, including a July recap!

Katherine and I went to Track Shack today to do some shoe shopping. My old shoes were just not working out for me anymore. As much as I love(d) them, my feet have started to ache after I run for the past few weeks, so I knew that it was time for new shoes. I also wanted to get them broken in before I start all of the (lots of!) races that I'll be doing in the next few months.

I decided to stick with the Nike Lunarglide. Since I'm in the middle of training for Chicago and I have so many big races coming up, I don't want to confuse my feet. I'd like to try different shoes, because I'm still fairly new to running and I'd like to really get a feel for different types of running shoes in order to find out what I really like and don't like. I think that this was a good decision for right now though.

Katherine decided to get new shoes too, because her feet have been bothering her. (and who doesn't love new running shoes? Let's be honest here!) I do like the bright green-ness of the Lunarglides though. They're really fun.  

After we left with our new shoes, socks, and box of energy gels, we headed to go on a run! Today called for an "easy" four miles. It was more like a "my legs hurt like hell from my long run on Sunday, but I'm going to tough it out and do the best that I can" four mile run. We went downtown to run around Lake Eola, which we have never done before. We've been talking about running there for... a long time. By "a long time", I  mean almost for the entire two years since we moved here. So exciting!  

(i kind of love that katherine's eyes are closed. haha.)

As much as it was really tough and my legs were still a little sore and achy, I had a fun time out there today. We did four laps around the lake. It was a gorgeous course and I'm glad that I changed it up. I've been spending way too much time running the same routes lately. How lame is that? It's fun to do something new every so often.

Yay! Okay, now for the most important thing...

July Recap!!!!!

I FINALLY had another 100 mile month! This is my first 100 mile-plus month since January. I feel more like a legitimate runner now.

By 100 mile month, I mean that in July, I ran......

145.66 miles...!!! Whaaaat?! Is this real life?

In August, I really want to add in weight training. I did a little yesterday, but it's time to do more and get strength added into my routine. I'm so excited about all of the work that I've put into this. I also plan to really get my nutrition on point. Eating is one of the most important parts of the journey... but it's something that I struggle with a LOT.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days

So far: 435.58 miles/213 days

To go: 564.42 miles/153 days

Chicago Training Days 22 and 23

It's time for an update! Yay!

Yesterday, the rain was horrible and I knew I wasn't going to get my 7 miles in that I had planned. So I pulled a short run from later in the week and decided to switch it up a little. (is that even allowed when you're supposed to be following a plan??!)

So anyways, I did three miles yesterday that were intended for later in the week. I got rained on the whole time and took advantage of it by wearing long sleeves. (Okay, so the sleeves probably weren't neccessary, but how can you go wrong with a Goofy Challenge shirt. haha. I did get a little bit warm.) I ended up with about a 14 minute pace, which wasn't my best, but at the same time, isn't awful. I felt pretty good the entire time. It has been nice to have some rainy weather, so that I can keep going and it isn't quite as hot.

Today was the 7 miler. I don't know why I was dreading it, but I was. I put it off almost all day. I was going to go in the morning. Before I knew it, it was 11 and I figured it was too hot. Then I was going to go at 2:30-3ish so that I'd be back by the time Katherine got home from work and we could have some fun adventures. Then, before I knew it, it was 4:15 and almost time for her to head home from work. In that case, I figured that I would stick close to home and then see if she wanted to come with me later. My pace was horrendous for the first two miles that I did alone. There's something extremely lame about running around an apartment complex for multiple laps. Maybe I need a larger apartment complex. haha.

When Katherine got home, she changed out of her work clothes and we headed out to the running trail.

I realize that when I say running trail, it sort of sounds like I do a lot of trail running. The trail that I use isn't really a trail. It's an asphalt path. Just to clear that up. haha.

I felt fantastic until I was a little past mile 3 and a half. My left hip/upper leg started cramping up like crazy. I stopped to stretch several times. Each time, it felt a lot better, but then got worse again. I didn't really have a choice but to finish out the run, because of the out-and-back nature of the route that I use. I did a LOT of walking on the way back home. So much that I got really frustrated with myself. Ugh. I'm worried that I'm seriously hurt.

My pace ended up in the 16-minute range. Awful. Almost embarassingly so.

Tomorrow, I might actually have to skip a run for the first time on this training cycle. I'm praying that I'll wake up feeling fabulous and completely able to finish out what I need to do. The likelihood of that is slim, but there's always hope, right? The idea of being behind on my training really freaks me out and I'm not sure why, considering that I've never followed a real training plan before. Hmm...

Here are a few pictures from today's run. They're from my Blackberry, so they aren't as lovely as the ones that I took with my new camera the other day.

 My first stretching moment.

 Katherine saw a bunny in the cloud and decided to be like the bunny. Do you see it?

This picture is AWFUL quality, but there was for sure an alligator swimming along in the river next to the path. I've never seen an alligator outside of the zoo before, so this was crazy. (Wait! There's a 3 legged alligator who lives in the Magic Kingdom.) Can you see him?

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days

So far: 375.94 miles/200 days

To go: 624.06 miles/166 days

Chicago Training: Day Eight!

Today was a crazy day. I had lunch and several hours of shopping with a friend (mostly she shopped and I was there for moral support.  haha.). Then went out for dinner and watched some tv with the bestest friend. I looked at some job openings and stuff. ...aaaand I ran! Woo hoo.

I just did a little over 3 miles today, which was planned. I'm pretty excited about it. I haven't missed a run yet and I'm halfway through week two of training.

Today's run was really slow, with lots of walking. I'm okay with it though, because I still went out there and did it. I don't feel like I chickened out. I definitely could have pushed myself a little harder, but I think I did alright.

Officially Goofy Challenge training starts next week. I'm not sure how I'm going to train for both. Hm.. Life is likely to get a little bit crazy. I really need a full time job soon. I'm beyond broke at the moment. (which cuts into my race funds! SAD!)

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 283.54 miles/180 days
To go: 716.46 miles/186 days

blurring the line

I had a conversation with Katherine the other day. It was a conversation I never really thought that I would have with anybody. Ever. I was getting changed into my pajamas and looked at myself in the mirror. (If you know me well, you know that I RARELY look at myself in the mirror. Self-esteem issues...) The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey Kath!
Kath: What? (frantically. I might have yelled a little. ha.)
Me: Look! My stomach is almost flat now!
Kath: Yup, it is.

It seems sort of silly, but it was a big moment for me. I've been fat. I've been obese. I've been embarassed by my body and have bought lots of loose t-shirts to hide it. I've untagged myself in photo after photo on Facebook. I've almost been in hiding, in a sense. It's been about three and a half yaers since I started losing weight, first through Weight Watchers, then through running. (The running has stuck a lot longer than the Weight Watchers.) I even strength train now.

I've lost a lot of weight. A lot. My body is not where I want it to be. But it's closer. I'm glad that I have a lot of pictures of me as I've lost weight in order to show myself the process. It's hard to have those pictures, me showing my body in a way that I'd never show an actual human being. But they're saved on my computer and I can look at them when I need to. I'm not obese anymore. I'm almost into a normal weight range, according to my BMI. It's amazing.


--

Anyways, I ran again today.
My legs are burning. Like crazy. But I did it.
It wasn't a long run, but I'm glad I'm back out there. My training plan for Chicago starts in a few days. I'm going to actually try to follow a plan for the first time ever. I want to get myself to where I want to be. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen. I want to make them happen. Something in me has changed in the last few weeks. It's more than running.

This is my life. I need to be happy. I can't sit around and wait to be happy. I have to seek it out. I thought I was getting happy, but maybe that happiness was dependent on the approval and support of others. I need it to be dependent on me. That's part of why I run. It's independent. It's who I am.

...that's also why I write.

I'm afraid that in the coming weeks, I'm going to have a major life transformation moment and that this blog will become blurred. A blur of running and writing, those lives and my private life.. the life I keep to myself. I'm not sure how to handle that.

But yes. Today was a little over five miles. I'm pleased.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 238.58 miles/167 days
To go: 761.42 miles/199 days

sometimes, it is just one step in front of the other

Goodness, I'm exhausted. I honestly don't even know what the deal with  me is. I feel drained and didn't feel like running today, but Katherine convinced me to go out anyways. (Thanks bff!) The run was tough and emotional. Usually, when I start a tough run, I end up doing okay and pulling it out in the end, but the entire thing was really rough on me this time. I had ...like one good mile. Out of seven. I thought I was going to be able to pick it up in the end and do okay, but by the end, my body was trying to give up on me.

I think part of it is my nutrition this week. I've been eating like crap. It has been spring break and my grandparents have been visiting... and I've been drinking WAY less water than I'm used to and WAY too much Mountain Dew... and bad carbs.. and food I should be only eating occasionally. For example, we ordered pizza the other day. I ate that pizza like I did 25 pounds ago. I kept getting more and more slices. Generally, if I'm eating pizza, I hold myself back to one slice or two slices at most.

I definitely feel like my nutrition has been getting the best of me this week. It comes down to making poor choices and that's on me.

I think that if I work on getting my eating back on point (or close to it), my body will respond better. I need to be able to run 7 miles without feeling horrible the entire time. I know that I'm just sort of beating myself up about it, but I really felt miserable for 95% of the run today. That's unacceptable. I've had many better runs than that. So many.

I'm just hoping that better days (better runs!) are right around the corner.

Goal: 1000 miles/366 days
So far: 183.59 miles/70 days
To go: 816.41 miles/296 days

from "beginner" to "intermediate" in running

Today was another tough run. I'm a little bit tired of having tough runs all of the time, actually. It's been like a week of rough runs. I need to get myself out of this funk.

I have had good moments during tough runs, though. I worked a lot on my form today, so that was good news. I'm trying really hard to be able to get my stride correct... or at least better than I have been. I know I talked about it before, but I definitely take really short steps when I am trying to run, so that makes everything a little bit more challenging. I think that if I get a good stride down, I should be able to get an awesome pace, too. Running definitely isn't the easiest sport to excel at.

Anyways, that old pain in my hip starting coming back when I got to mile 3 or so. And it was hot. Almost unbearably so. The second half of my run today was mostly either slow or walking. Frustrating. I really need to figure something out to do on long runs during hot weather, especially because summer is going to be here before I know it. I'm still definitely leaning toward getting myself a running backpack. I think that it would really help me when I'm out there running.

I feel like I am transitioning from a "novice" or a beginning runner into an "intermediate" type of runner. It's something that I have been working myself into for a while. I have spent a lot of time trying to learn about running and turn myself into a "runner". I definitely feel like I have started a sort of transition. I still have a lot to learn about running, but I feel like I do have some knowledge about it now. I feel like I am to the point in which I am continuously trying to improve my running and I do think I have enough knowledge to have some idea of how to improve.

I also feel like I can discuss running with other runners. I almost feel like there is a bond between runners, no matter how fast or slow we run, there is something about it. For a long time, I felt like an outsider, and that is something that is starting to change. I mean, yes, I still am very slow and I still have a lot to work on in order to get to where I want to get with my running, but I feel like I am getting there. There's something about meeting other people that run and talking to them that makes everything feel so much better.

Tomorrow is long run day. I'm nervous, since so many of my recent runs have been so tough. I am hoping for an awesome run and an improvement on the past few weeks. Here's to hoping, I guess.

So far: 81.97 miles/26 days
To go: 918.03 miles/340 days

Disney Marathon Weekend Day One: Family Fiesta 5k

Last weekend was Disney Marathon Weekend! If you can imagine every emotion on earth, that's how I felt going into it. I felt undertrained, unfit, nervous, terrified, excited, anxious, happy, and so on. It was crazy. Last year, I ran Goofy's Race and a Half Challenge- a half marathon Saturday and a full on Sunday. Last year, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It was my first full marathon. This year, I threw in an extra 5k, making it 42 miles in three days. This time, I knew what I was getting myself into and it made me more anxious.

I'm going to blog separately about each race in order to make it more concise and easy to read. Anyways, this is day one: Family Fiesta 5k.

By "Day One", I mean beyond too early in the morning. I got up at 4:30ish to get ready and head out to the bus stop. The best part about Disney races is the fact that, if you stay on property, the continuous Disney transportation will get you to the races on time (assuming you get to the bus stop on time. ha.).

Needless to say, it was cold. Actually, it has been warmer than usual this winter. Well, it has only been my second winter in Florida, but last year it was colder, from what I remember. It is definitely much warmer than my 23 winters that I spent in Indiana. haha. However, it cooled off over the weekend for sure. It was slightly miserable each morning, but warmed up throughout the day. Friday, I forced Katherine to go with me to spectate, because that's the kind of best friend I am (mean and demanding. haha).

I wasn't too worried about the 5k. The game plan was to have a good time and stop and take lots of pictures. The game plan was to run the whole thing, except when stopping for pictures. I tend to do more of a run/walk combination, but 2012 is all about getting faster, adding speed and endurance to my running.

We got off of the bus at EPCOT and walked over to the start, where Katherine and I stood and talked a little. Actually, I had a spontaneous dance party while Kath laughed and sort of participated. Not long after we got there, my mom and sister showed up! I was super excited, because I wasn't sure if they would make it. They flew in pretty late the night before. So that was exciting.

There were about 8,000 runners who did the 5k with me, so that was a little overwhelming. I've done big races and very small races, but outside of Disney, the amount of runners in a race is miniscule in comparison. I mean, the first half marathon that I did had about 5,000 participants, so a 5k with 8,000 felt insane to me. It was super fun though.

The race went through EPCOT. There were a lot of characters out cheering along the way, taking pictures and waving to runners as they (we) went by. It was super fun. I stopped for the majority of the pictures. I would have stopped for more, but I accidentally put my sister's contacts in when I got up instead of my own and, thus, could not see. Believe me when I say that distance running without vision is terrible.

I have no idea what my finishing time was, but I do know that I had an awesome time and that it was a great way to start off my weekend of running.

And afterward I had to get a picture with Donald in the park:

Anyhow, that's part one of my three part blog on the Disney Marathon Weekend.

Update on my 2012 running goal:

So far: 49.03 miles/11 days

To go: 950.97 miles/355 days

hugeeee breakthrough at the gym.

Today and yesterday, I killed it in the gym. No joke. In fact, you could say I had a breakthrough yesterday that carried over into today.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Actually, I had a rough week for many reasons... including school, work, being away from my family when family members were very ill, and so on. My stress level was pretty much through the roof. But, I agreed to meet Mark, my trainer, at the gym for a session before my class.

The first thing that he said that we were going to do was the stairmaster for 20 minutes. Then he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think that I'd be able to do it for the entire 20 minutes. I'm a stubborn person, actually. Sometimes, I will go out of my way to prove that I can do something that I've been told I can't or shouldn't be able to do (like move to Florida. ha.). Actually, he went on to say that most of his clients could only do 8-10 minutes on the stair master maximum.

When I got to about 12 or 13 minutes, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. I had almost given up on myself, but for some reason I didn't. At any point, I could have hopped right off of the machine. Actually, I got really mad that Mark didn't stop the machine for me so I could quit. Somehow, I pushed through it. Sweat was coming out of every pore of my body. I had sweat puddles in my hands. That's disgusting actually. That was probably my second biggest exercise related breakthrough that I have had. Ever. Second to Goofy's Challenge in January.

I have so many goals in my life that I don't want to cut short due to obesity. Knowing that obesity has become such an American epidemic, it scares the hell out of me.. knowing that I was close to 200 pounds a few years ago... scares the hell out of me, too. I feel like I'm still fighting my weight and I am. Every day, I have to choose between whether to drink a liter of Mountain Dew or to fill up my water bottle for the day. Between Kath and I, we go through 8 gallons of water in about a week and a half. That's a lot of water. It's a struggle making healthy decisions every day of my life. Actually, there are so many times that I don't make a good decision and it's frustrating. I try to pick myself up and keep going though.

That's what kept me going on the stairmaster. Actually, it was that and thinking about my uncle who was hospitalized for an extremely high blood sugar and a new diagnosis of diabetes. I've always wanted to inspire people. I've wanted to make a difference. Maybe if I keep going, I will continue to inspire people to change their lives. I have so much knowledge that I can share. I'd love it if my entire family could live the healthiest that is possible for them. I'm not saying that it's in the cards for everyone I know to become vegan, but everyone has little changes that can be made. It is for sure a possibility.

I also learned that my little brother wants to run a marathon and that he even bought running shoes.  I'm ecstatic for him. It would be so cool to run a race with my mom and all three of my siblings someday. I hope it's in the cards.

beyond ambitious

 I just got back from the gym. I had a training session that went pretty well. It was legs, which is usually really tough. Since my legs are the weakest part of my body, my work out was tough. It gets sort of embarassing when my trainer asks me to do a certain exercise and my legs start shaking uncontrollable. I do wish that I had a little more strength in my legs so that I wouldn't have to deal with my legs shaking like that. It's obvious that my muscles need a lot more work.

The workout went pretty well, which was great. I did struggle quite a bit, but was able to push through and complete all of the exercises. I can definitely sense changes within myself while I have been doing these sessions and while I've been exercising on my own, but I wish that changes happened sooner. Hell, I wish that I could wake up in the morning and have the exact body that I want. I have to work at it, though. The most unfortunate part of it all is that it takes such an extravagant amount of time and work. It's not like I can just dedicate all of my time every day to exercise. It's sort of unfortunate, honestly.

I have been working really hard on my body strength. Every day, I've exercised for at least 20 minutes. I'm so glad that I have stuck to this change in my life. It would have been so easy for me to have given up and stopped all of this, especially after all of the frustration from the inability to continue running. I am SO frustrated that I haven't been able to run lately. So. Frustrated. Actually, to the point that it feels like all I ever talk about in this blog is my sprained ankle, wah wah wah. I could have just given up and spent my time laying around, but I haven't. I'm glad with the changes that I have made. I'm also glad that I'm healing a little bit. I'm so looking forward to getting out there and running regularly again.

I'm definitely working on my time management skills. Today is a prime example. I've been trying to find ways to use every free minute to it's fullest extent. Today, I got up, read some news online while I got dressed, then went to work. I was scheduled until 5:15, but was able to get done about 30 minutes early, so I got to hurry home for my training session. I got home, got dressed, and left within just a little bit of time. I was a little late to my training session, which I was disappointed in, but I'm at least fortunate that I got there and got to work out. Like I said before, my legs were literally shaking at the end of the work out. I know that means that I'm pushing my boundaries and I KNOW that's positive. It's just really tough sometimes, because I want to see changes in me, but they are coming slowly. I'm possibly one of the most impatient people that I know. Quite possibly. I just wish I could have a few extra hours in the day in order to effectively manage my time, in order to reach more of my goals.

I feel that I'm a goal oriented person. Today, though, I've wondered if I've set my sights too high. Maybe my goals are unreachable. Goodness, I hope not. I want to be athletic. I want to run more marathons. I want to be Boston Qualified. I dream of being a certified SCUBA diver, a triathlete, maybe a personal trainer. I want to write novels, to be a professor, to make a difference. I want to organize events for epilepsy awareness.

I hope that one day I can reach all of these goals and more. I want to make a difference in the world. That had been my dream for my entire life. I know that I can reach it. I just have to continue to push myself as hard as I can. There is no option. If I do my best, work my hardest, there is no option but success... at least at some point in the future.

the courage to start.

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham

It's been a long day. My body aches from work and my muscles feel like they want to fall off my body. However, they're still there.

My wisdom for the day is that.. sometimes, it is really hard to keep working out, to keep going, to push through. There are days that I don't want to lift weights or move more than I have to. But I do. That's what is important.

trying to motivate myself to run again.

It seems like my ankle had some kind of horrible reaction to the tape that I was using for it. I have an itchy rash all over my foot and ankle, plus my skin is sort of rough and disgusting. If it isn't one thing, it's another with that ankle. I'm starting to worry that I'll never be able to run again. That's just my negativity talking. I know that I'll get out and run again. Naturally, I'll have to. It's the only way that I will be able to accomplish all of my lofty goals. haha.

I'm at least glad that I've been able to find other ways to get myself to the point that I want to. Weight lifting and other exercises have definitely been making a difference in my life. My body image is getting a little bit better, too. I am getting a little bit concerned about working my leg muscles at the same rate as my arms. Naturally, with grad school, work, studying, and everything else, I don't have time to go out to the gym daily. That cuts out a lot of the machines that I would be using for my legs. I am trying to be able to change up my exercises regularly and still work my leg muscles too. All of the noticeable changes thus far have been in my arms and my stomach, which is GREAT, but I'd like to see changes in my legs too. If I could run again, that would definitely solve that problem, but my ankle hurts every other day.

I'm writing a paper about governmental policy and interventions dealing with obesity in the United States... and naturally, with perfect timing, the food pyramid changed to a food plate today. That will definitely add quite an interesting angle to my research. I'm excited about it for sure. Most of my papers lately have dealt with social media, because that's primarily where my research interests lie, but my class this summer is a comm & government class, so I couldn't really figure out how to fit blogging or twitter into that box. I'm definitely interested in the fitness field (obviously), and learning more about it will definitely just drive that further.

I am interested to see how long this food plate lasts. I don't know a whole lot about it yet, just that it's already being highly criticized. I guess that I will find out a lot more about it while I'm researching all summer long.

I wish I could sign up for some races. I definitely need a race to motivate me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I can with the ankle pain that I'm in. I'm considering trying to find a short race- a 5k or something in order to get myself back out there again. I feel like I need to start slowly in that manner. Naturally, combined with lots of ice. haha. Maybe I will look into that tomorrow or Saturday. It's actually not a terrible idea.

Big dreamers can do big things.

I didn't participate in National Running Day like I intended to. Frankly, I am disappointed in myself. I feel like there was more that I could have done to really commemorate the day. My original intention was to go to the gym. Little did I know that my book for class would be a pain in the rear to get ahold of and I had to stay home until the mail came in order to get it and read it before class (yeah.... and it won't even be here until tomorrow anyways. Ugh!!). That excuse is sort of lame. So, I decided to either go to the gym in the morning and come back to study for my quiz [that ended up being postponed] or to just run-walk [i am still trying to allow my ankle maximum healing time] outside for an hour or so in between studying. I ended up pretty much deciding just to run outside for a while nad do some weight training in my apartment in order to save maximum time.

So. I got up, read a little bit, had my vitamins, grabbed some breakfast and a big water bottle, and sat down at my computer to start my school work. About 20 minutes into that, I heard rain. I looked out the window and it was pouring. So, I figured I'd give it an hour and the rain would stop. Then, I heard that it was thundering... then I was reading the news and saw that there were bad storms coming through. So frustrating. Then the ankle pain started.... Needless to say, I didn't make it outside and I didn't make it to the gym. I'm for sure frustrated with myself for not going, because, although some of it was out of my control, I could have made some changes and done some things differently in order to ensure that I ran today, but I didn't. I am trying to take it easy on my ankle, though, because I do want to run again someday. It wouldn't be worth it to push myself too hard and never be able to run again. That would suck.

I am still doing my daily workouts though. I have a little over two weeks left of my month of daily work outs. It was a goal that I set for myself after I read someone else's blog in which they set a goal for a month for themselves. I think that it's an interesting idea to try to change yourself by making a fairly short term goal. I think that it opens a lot of possibilities for learning and changing. After this month is up, I will probably try to continue working out at least a little bit daily, but also adding another month long goal. I haven't really decided what my next goal will be, though. I have a few weeks to think about it though, I suppose.

I do still feel fairly optimistic. I was talking to a girl that I've had in some classes today about fitness, because she said she felt inspired by me when I talked about running Goofy's Challenge in class.. and she was so inspired that she'd decided to do a 5k this summer. Hearing things like that really are touching and inspiring for me. I feel like if I can inspire her in that way, I definitely can do huge things like I have wanted to do since I was a child. I have always dreamed of being huge: a novelist, President, an athlete, and so on and so forth. I already have felt like I can do big things in life, but actually hearing that I've had an influence in that way is a really positive thing for me. I definitely want to continue to be able to inspire people. Anyways, I told her about some of my other goals and relayed my frustrationgs with my ankle, which was cool for me. I don't really feel like I ahve a ton of people that I can talk about fitness with like that, so that was really neat for me. I am glad that I got to have that conversation. I feel like I should be able to reach for a triathlon and reach for completing Boston someday.

I do dream big don't I? But, how else is there to dream? I have to be able to have huge dreams in order to achieve big things. All I've ever wanted was to make changes in the world. I know that I can do it. I just have to reach for it and push myself to my limit and beyond.

putting in the work, waiting on the results.

I feel like I'm definitely on the right track right now. I bought some new weights and started setting up my little motivation area in my room. If I didn't live in a small apartment, I'd go all out and start setting up a home gym (though that would be a huge financial commitment haha), but alas, I do not. All I have is my little apartment. So that's the start of my inspiration area in my room. I moved a bookshelf out of my closet that I was storing shoes on and set up my work out things on it. I have a few sets of weights, a brand new kettlebell, and so on. Exciting! I just want to make my room more "me", I guess. It has been a pretty bland area since I moved in. I threw up my bed, some bookshelves (I'm a book addict, no joke), and filled my closet with clothes, but beyond that, I haven't done much. I'm looking forward to a finished product.

I'm still planning on getting a few miles in tomorrow. My ankle isn't 100% yet, naturally, but it's getting a little better day by day. [then a little worse, then better again.] My run last week didn't kill me and it only hurt that day and the morning afterwards. Thankfully, I have Thursday off of work, so if my ankle does hurt, I should be alright.

I feel like my goals are definitely within reach. Like I've stated recently, I've felt pretty hopeless in the past few months, especially after I sprained my ankle, but it's been getting so much better. I've been feeling happier and been able to sense a lot more possibility. It's awesome. It's even beyond just the work outs that I have been doing- it goes into my school work, my job (sort of lol), my future, etc etc etc. I feel like I can do huge things, which is definitely something that I have always wanted for myself.

I'm trying to focus on what inspires me, especially since I'm going to try to set up a motivational area in my bedroom, focused on what motivates and inspires me. I think that has had an impact on the change in my mood. I'm definitely not complaining about it. I'm also glad that I haven't had to use my crutches in several weeks. I have definitely been surrounded by positivity lately. Yay for me. :)

As I continue to work on my "motivation space", I'll take some photographs to share here on my blog. It will hopefully be in the next week or so... or maybe I'll take and post pictures of my progress as my space changes bit by bit. Hmm...

Workout stats from today- arms and core. I mostly used free weights.

I'm sore and tired. That's about it.

nostalgia.

Today, I'm really nostalgic. I didn't put myself into my workout all of the way for a number of reasons. Mostly, I found out that someone that I once knew took her life the other day. I haven't been friends with her in a long time. I haven't talked to year in six years. I wasn't even that close with her. It's just a weird nostalgic feeling to know that she's gone now. I've been thinking about life and death a lot lately and now I sort of feel like it will be on my mind even more.

Oh! Guess what! I used my food journal today! I'm so excited for myself. I brought it to work and wrote down my whole lunch and everything. I do for sure feel like I have crossed a bridge in my fitness journey. I feel like I'm on the right track. I actually talked about eating healthily and exercise at work too. I gave someone who is at a plateau advice on break. It was a pretty big deal.

Anyways, I have tomorrow off! Yay! I have lots of plans to do lots of working out. haha. :) [and studying. and sleeping in. and relaxing. and more! ha.]

something to think about:

To be come fully alive a person must have goals and aims that transcend himself - Herbert A. Otto

a dream is a wish your heart makes... [then you have to accomplish on your own]

Sometimes, I wonder how I got here... to this place in which I'm stuck complaining about my inability to run. I mean, if I backtrack just a few years, I was happy to sit in front of the television all day long eating cookie dough. Let's backtrack even further... McDonalds, Arby's, Dairy Queen... I loved it all. My weight ballooned into obesity while I was still in high school. No wonder I still have issues with food & my insecurities aren't so easy to beat. I just don't understand how I went from that point to this point. I mean, it's not like I spend 20 hours a day at the gym- but I am doing my damnedest to get myself into the best shape that I can. I am pretty sure that one of the  biggest problems is that I can't just make a lifestyle change that easily.

It sounds easy though. Eat right. Buy healthy foods. Get enough sleep. Work out. Pretty simple. I wish that I could do it in that simple of a manner. But, I drive by an Arby's, and all I want is an order of curly fries and a roast beef sandwhich... and hell, while I'm at it, why not a beef-n-cheddar. Might as well go all out. Sometimes, I falter. Other times, I don't. I'm practically food obsessed. It's not as simple as calories in and calories out for me. I have to think and rethink everything... then I feel guilty about it. It's really a terrible cycle.. the kind of cycle that is beyond difficult to pull myself out of. Ugh.

I feel like a peaceful feeling is coming over me, though. I've been doing a better job about food choices, first of all. (yay me!) Second, I've just been feeling more motivated and less hopeless as of late. I've been killing it in my workouts- even just average at home weight lifting with some core exercises (plank, etc.). My body feels like it is on fire and I'm ecstatic about it. I feel really positive about the changes that I'm making... and trust me, positivity is a huge deal in my life.

I just wish that I was seeing the results that I want to see. I wish that I saw huge changes in my weight daily. I don't see much change at all. I know that there are other factors that go into that, but it's still really frustrating. I look at my body and don't see anything that looks different- and I don't feel too positive when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm expecting too much out of myself, I guess. I know that it takes time to see changes. I'm one of the most impatient people that I know, while also being beyond a perfectionist. Is there something past a perfectionist? That would be me. That's where the frustration lies.

HOWEVER... back to my positivity. I look at the changes that I have made, the races that I have done, the medals I have earned, the weight I've left behind, and I'm ecstatic. I have accomplished a lot in a few years. Plus two Bachelors Degrees and the entrance to graduate school... plus many other personal accomplishments. I guess that I've pushed myself pretty far. I can look behind myself and see all of that. I feel like I'm definitely on the right road.. that I can accomplish a lot of things. I just can't give up. No way.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I'm one of those people who sets goals. lots of goals. Some of those goals being beyond what regular people set for themselves. I want to be something huge, I guess. I do feel like I can do big things. Right now, I've been feeling a rare sense of motivation.. and possibility for myself. I just hope that the feeling sticks around.

[Kath, me, Aladdin, and Jasmine... four big dreamers.]

at a turning point.... or a crossroads. if you will.

Goodness. Today, I'm exhausted.

I had a fantastic workout tonight. My day was somewhat... not great. Frustrating and whatever, but I felt like I was able to put a lot of my negativity into my work out. I did a lot of core exercises tonight- planks, crunches, and so on. My abs are definitely feeling a burn, which I am FOR SURE excited about. I do wish I wasn't so exhausted when I came home from work, though, because I feel like I want to be able to incorporate other exercises into my work outs- like different wii activities and whatnot, but it's hard when I'm already exhausted when I walk in the door. Somehow, I am going to need to catch up on sleep and stop being stressed out. (yeah. I wish.)

I'm excited for three days off of work this week. I only have two more days to work and then some time off! Yipee! (though, I'm going to have a ton of studying to do, I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm going to try to focus on all of the positives.) I wish that I had a job with my degree, because I am worn out what what I am doing. However, it's tough to find something that I really want to do while I'm working on my Masters WHILE I am school.

I'm going to try running again on Wednesday. I know my ankle isn't 100%. I know that it might do more damage than good. But Wednesday is National Running Day and I just really feel motivated to run. I'll probably do it at the gym on the treadmill and I will definitely incorporate a lot of walking. It's actually pretty unlikely that I will get many miles in. However, I really just want to start running again. I feel like if my ankle gets too bad, I will for sure have to make some sort of a change- like getting my crutches out again or going to see a doctor again. I'm not that excited about that possibility.

I do feel like I'm turning a page in my life. I'm dealing with a lot of negativity and frustration, but at the same time, I feel like I'm doing a lot of good. I'm making positive changes and trying my best to get myself to a point that I want to be. I have a pile of books about things that I think will help me along this path- books about running, races, triathlons, fitness, health- and other things, like politics haha. I'm trying to be well rounded. I feel like I'm taking the right steps, though it is extremely difficult to get to the point that I want to be at. I never expected it to be this hard. My life is definitely no fairy tale.

It takes a lot of hard work....

life is a marathon.

It's so frustrating not being able to run. School, work, running... that was my life for about a year or a year and a half. My ankle is still messed up and I still feel like it isn't a sprain, because it has been so long. I'm just frustrated. I am glad that I have been able to exercise and learn new things about myself. I know and understand the changes that are going on, but I definitely miss the days when I could run.

I do know that my running isn't gone forever. It just feels like it is. There's just nothing quite like running a race... with the crowds and all the energy. I just miss it. I mean, I guess that it's okay for my bank account to not be signing up for a ton of races this summer. I would really just like to be able to run again. It sounds like a broken record, I guess. I want to run, my ankle is messed up, but I want to run. I wish I had something more profound to say, I suppose. I'm still so glad that I got to run the other day, but my ankle is still sore from it. I'm thinking about getting a new ankle brace that is a little bit more supportive than the one that I have. I don't know.

I need to really start focusing on my eating habits. I've been intending to look at some recipes and to go through some of my magazines and books to see what types of food would be good to eat. That's one of the best things about getting running magazines. They always seem to have good recipes and helpful tips for different food items that are fantastic for running. That's also a nice tool that the Internet can provide. Haha.

I've decided a few different images that I want to put up in my room to make it feel more inspired and motivational for me. I'm excited. My days off next week, I'm going to work on that and... well also do a lot of studying. Ugh! I'm over summer school already. It's okay. I'll get through it.

In some ways, I have to remember that my life is like a marathon. It takes dedication and patience. It isn't something that is quickly done. I have to make sure I do it right...

trying to find motivation. again.

I feel like I'm waiting for my muscles to gain strength, but that they aren't getting any stronger. I feel like they are just getting weaker each time that I wake up in the morning... each time that I try to work out again, my muscles fight a little bit harder. I feel like giving up just a little quicker day by day. Maybe I'm not giving myself adequate rest time, but it isn't like I'm going over the top with my workouts at all. ALSO, I'm not losing weight very quickly... which could be due to a number of factors, such as my diet and everything. I'm frustrated with my eating for sure. Though I know all of the good habits and how to follow a healthy lifestyle, I still don't follow the rules. I just feel like it isn't really fair. Whine whine whine. I think that I whine too much in the blog. Maybe in general too. I don't know. Something to think about?

One thing that I'm thinking about doing is actually putting up posters and images of people and things that inspire me. For instance, maybe a triathlon picture on my wall or something like that. I feel like if I surround myself with things that inspire me, I will be better able to find the drive to push through the tough times. I had a pretty motivationless time for a while recently and I'm feeling like I'm getting my drive back. However, I feel like it is possible that I could easily lose my drive again. I want to ensure that I remain positive and focused on my goals.

Also. I'm going to reinstate my old friend the food diary. I don't understand what is so hard about writing down my daily calorie intake every day. I've been pretty good about it and then I quit. I think that it really does make a big difference when there is something that I really want to eat that has way too many fat calories. Bad food & good food, blah blah blah. Why can't I just skip the cheesecake or the Coke on my break and eat carrots. Food is food. It's just such a struggle for me to say no to temptation sometimes, I guess.

I don't want to be deathly thin. I'd actually rather just be in a healthy weight range. I want to be healthy and in shape. I want to be athletic. I want to be a marathoner, triathlete... I don't know why it's so hard to get to the point that I want to be in. Urgh. Actually, I really just want to be able to do a pull up.

I hope that tomorrow I can get over this funk that I'm in. If not tomorrow, then definitely within the next little while. I plan to make a list of all of the things that I can do that will help me to be more motivated. Hopefully so.

Oh. And an update on my ankle... definitely not better. I do NOT want to go back on crutches. I need to be healthy again. I need to get back into running. Need need need. I guess that what I mean by "I need" is that "I'd really like to...."