struggling today.

I don't know why I struggle so much. It's not that I'm lazy per se. I'm doing a million different things, which exhausts me. Maybe it's priorities.

I've heard about having an accountability partner, especially when talking to some of my more religious friends. Many have someone that can be there to support them and keep them going in their spiritual journey. I probably need a spiritual accountability partner, too, but I'm really focusing on exercising right now.

When I'm running, I don't push myself as hard as I could... I don't work to my potential. That's the reality of it. Only once or twice have I actually pushed myself AS HARD as I could possibly push myself. That's sad. I do push myself when I'm lifting weights, sometimes beyond what is neccessary, but I don't lift as often as I have in the past. I've never pushed myself as hard as I could. I guess that is something that I should work on, but I don't trust myself to do it on my own. I set goals for myself and I don't always follow through with them. When I am running, I do combine it with walking. Sometimes, I walk more than I need to. I know that I can push myself further and run harder than I normally do. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm just struggling. I don't know what the problem is.

I also don't know an easy solution.

I worked out really hard tonight on the Wii... using Wii Active. I pushed myself harder than I have in a long time... I was getting REALLY mad at the game, though. Really mad. I'm exhausted and I smell horrible. My legs feel like jello. I wasn't even going to work out at all today, but I started watching Biggest Loser online, because I don't have cable and didn't watch yesterday. Something about watching clicked something in me, though. Those people are far worse off than I am, but they push themselves a hundred times harder. I guess that's something that I want to work toward.

I do want this. I want to be a runner. I want to push myself. HARD. I want to be able to give it my all without giving up. I want to stop being frustrated with my times, with my weight, with my eating habits. Obviously that takes some changes that I have to make within myself.

I just wish it could be that easy.

Finding inspiration within.

Today was a fairly short run, as I didn't sleep well last night. Since I didn't sleep well, I ended up sleeping later than I anticipated this morning. My sleep habits are really screwed up right now. It needs to change, because my sleep affects my feelings, emotions, stress, motivation.... and on and on.

A few years ago, when I was working at Bob Evans and going to school, I talked to a manager about how I was struggling with my work schedule and my school schedule together. She wasn't too receptive and didn't cut my hours, because I was, apparently, a great worker. Blah blah blah. It got me thinking, though. To your boss, work comes first, to your profs, school comes first. Where is the happy medium? I believe that I've found my happy medium... in a mix of school and work, among other things. School is constantly at the forefront of my mind. Being a grad student, I'm SO concerned about school, about studying, about my grades... it's the most important thing to me at this point in my life. However, work is important, too. I've got to have money in order to pay my bills, to go to school, to exist fully. I didn't move 900 miles to run out of money and move back. This is a huge deal.

Coming between school and work in my "list of important things in my life" is running. I never thought that running would become such a large part of my life. It did. I do struggle with it from time to time. I struggle with motivation. Running helps me to have a release. I often run with Katherine, which is nice. We don't have a lot of free time together and running helps us to have some time to talk and spend time together in a busy existance. Running by myself helps me to clear my head, much like writing has for years and years. Obviously it also has other positives too... like health, exercise, endorphins...

It's inspiring to be able to write about my running. I've always fancied myself a writer... since I was 11 or 12 when I started writing poetry. Before that, I wrote some stories and wanted to grow up to be a writer, but the middle school angsty poetry was what really made me feel like I had gotten to that point. Now I'm blogging, I've taken a ton of creative writing classes, I love to write and I want to do something with my writing to live off of forever. I feel like this blog is the beginning of that. I CAN write about running... no two runs are the same. Obviously, some runs have more interesting information and can make for more readable entries than others, but there is an abundant amount of information to share about running. One of my hopes is that, through my writing, I'm able to inspire both MYSELF and other people. I'm mostly hoping to inspire myself, because that is clearly a more feasible dream at this point.

Anyways, I'm kind of going on and on. I've found two runs that I'm interestedin running in November. Both are in Florida. I'm hoping to meet other Florida ...Orlando specifically... runners and to build some sort of a running support group. I've been briefly looking at different running clubs. I'd just really like to meet other runners down here.

Anyways, my run today was short, as I previously mentioned. I ran a little over 2 miles with Kath, which was great, because, honestly, I didn't feel like running at all. I'm so glad that we went. Tomorrow, I have a huge test that I'm really nervous about. After that, I'm hoping to run 5 or 6 miles. I need to get my mileage up if I want to run a half marathon in two months!

So far: 554.19 miles
To go: 445.81

Back at it.

I don't even know if I remember how to blog. haha. It has been a really long time.

I haven't written since I moved to Florida. My life has changed drastically since I moved. On the move down, my best friend/roommate got in a pretty terrifying wreck with a semi truck, which I watched in my rearview mirror. She is okay, her car got totalled, and I had some pretty high anxiety from it for a few weeks.

I had trouble finding a job. Grad school started. Then I found a job. Now, I just feel so busy. When I'm not in class, I'm working. When I'm not in class OR working, I'm studying. My sleeping has been slightly compromised. It's a life change. Graduate school is nothing like undergrad.

Once I stopped updating, I sort of didn't feel like updating anymore. I'm going to change that though. I'm really proud of this blog.

I have been running, however. Not nearly as often as I should be, particularly because I should be in the midst of some serious training. I'm working on that, though. I've run several times in the last week, as opposed to a few times over a midst of a few weeks. I'm going to try to make a serious schedule of my working/running/training/class/studying, so that I'm able to make a plan and stick to it.

I guess that I'm wondering about motivation. A huge motivator for me has been weight loss & upcoming races. However, right now, I'm kind of at a stagnant place in my weight. I have more to lose, but I'm just stuck. Also, my next race isn't until January, which feels far off right now. I'm trying to find a race in the next month or two to kick start my motivation. I just need to find new ways to motivate myself, I guess.

So far: 551.62 miles
To go: 448.38 miles

Packing, Moving, and Running... exhausting combination.

I've run a few times in the past few days without updating. That breaks my number one blogging rule, but I am trying to get things done to prepare for my 900 mile road trip/move this weekend.

I might update tomorrow, because I WILL be running tomorrow, but I have a ton to get done to finish up packing because I'm loading up and leaving EARLY Saturday morning. Moving to Florida hasn't felt real until now, actually. ha.

My run tonight was fairly exhausting. I'm worn out, burned out, exhausted. I still did my long run, which I'm proud of. Sometimes, I'd rather just go to bed than go for a run, especially because I'm so stressed out getting things together for my move.

I need to get more long runs in. I can think better and I'm definitely more calm after I go for a run... typically, that is. I don't know what it is. While I'm running, I think more freely and, though I'm usually pushing myself pretty hard and am tired, I can calm my brain down. Usually, my brain and thoughts are going a mile a minute, which can be overwhelming. Physical activity definitely helps, though. I guess I never thought that running would be my activity of choice. I still feel like I'm a swimmer at heart, but I'm not as attached to the thought that I am a swimmer as I once was. I'm more open to new opportunities, I guess.

As long as I find a decent job, I'm going to register to do the Wine&Dine at Disney World this October. It's a half marathon and is the weekend before my birthday. I think it would be really fun. I might be able to convince Katherine to race with me... but we'll see about that. :)

Goal: 1000 miles/365 days
So far: 430.23 miles/261 days
To go: 569.77 miles/104 days

Still achy...

My body still hurts some from my day at the lake over the weekend. I think that I may have pushed myself to a limit of some sort. I'm feeling a lot better than I was Monday and yesterday, though. I'm definitely glad about that, because I have to work long days for the next three days. Ugh.

Since I'm still achy, I decided to take it pretty easy tonight. I combined walking with my running and made sure that my running was at a decently slow pace so that I didn't push myself too hard. I'm glad that I did, so that hopefully I can get in a few really good runs in the next week and a half before I move.

The move is coming up really quickly! It's crazy. My running stuff will be one of the last things that I pack and the first that I unpack.

Goal: 1000 miles/365 days
So far: 419.38 miles/253 days
To go: 580.62 days/112 days

Race Report: TRF Runners on Parade '10 (and more)

So, on Saturday, I ran the Three Rivers Festival Runners on Parade. Basically, it was a 5k that runs part of a parade route that officially starts the Three Rivers Festival in Fort Wayne, which is my favorite festival in my hometown and has been since I was really young. It was also the first race that I participated in in 2010, not to mention my first ever 5k. A lot of firsts. Running a first 5k also means your first official PR. lol. However, I can't find any official results online, which is a little disappointing, but I had my Nike+, which helps me to see my time.

It was really tough to get to the race. With the parade starting, parking in downtown Fort Wayne was a mess. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before- Andi, Katherine, and I decided to have a sleepover and pretend we were back in high school... lol. I eventually got to the race and realized I had left my iPod in the car. Ugh! Andi actually went back to get it for me and got it to the start like a few minutes before it was time to start.

I had two goals for the race: run the whole thing without any walking, which I didn't end up doing. I haven't really trained much in a long time, so I had to walk some. I also wanted to average about 12 minute miles, which I DID accomplish. According to my Nike+, I ran 11.53 miles, which is awesome. Actually, at the end, my iPod let me know that I had run my fastest mile so far. (I've only had the device since May, so it's probably not my fastest ever mile, but still...). I'm really impressed with how it turned out.

The race was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I feel like I'm better trained for longer distances, which is weird to me. I felt like I was just getting into my groove at the end, so I could have gone longer and faster. It was a new experience for me, for sure, but maybe one that I won't be participating in a lot. The first few miles of any race are usually the most difficult for me, which probably had something to do with my frustration... plus I couldn't run the whole thing without stopping which also was stressing me out. It's nice, though, to have people at the end who are specifically cheering for me. Kath and Andi were at the finish line waiting, which was a great feeling.

I always feel like the finish is the best part of the race, with the crowds excited and cheering. One thing that propelled me through this particular race was the fact that there were SO many people there. They were there to watch the parade, as the route ran through part of the parade route, but it still felt like they had interest in watching us race. That was really meaningful to me.

I do wish that I could have run with someone again. It's not the same... running by yourself and running with a companion. I really enjoy running with someone, so it was strange to be by myself. Even the last race that I ran... I technically ran at my own pace, but I knew that both my mom and Katherine were also running. It was just strange to realize how solitary racing can be, even in big groups. Something to think about, I guess.

I've run a few miles since then, but I didn't run yesterday because I went to my grandparents' lake house... and went skiing and tubing. Now my entire body aches... Ugh. Just what I need!

Goal: 1000 miles/365 days
So far: 412.23 miles/251 days
To go: 587.77 miles/114 days

Sore legs, but 400 miles down!

So apparently the EasyTones work. I'm so sore. Actually, it didn't start hurting until tonight while I was running. Hmph. I didn't think I would be able to finish my run tonight, but I've cut too many runs short lately, so I pushed through. I ended up walking a lot of it, which was disappointing, but not terrible, considering that I almost gave up. I'm proud of myself that I endured.

Saturday is my first 5k! I've run two half marathons and am running a full in January, but I've never run a 5k. I suppose that's somewhat interesting. I'm a little nervous about it. It's in my hometown and a lot of my family will be there, along with Katherine and her mom. After the race is the 3 Rivers Parade, which kicks off the 3 Rivers Festival, which has been my FAVORITE festival ever. I've gone pretty much every year since I was very young... last year I worked in a trailer selling ice cream, but this year I'll be back in attendance, which will be incredible. I'm really excited. But back to the 5k. The 3 Rivers Runners on Parade 5k will be my first race of the 2010, so I'm excited (and nervous and hoping my legs will stop aching before Saturday).

I'm starting to get nervous about running Goofy's Challenge in January. My training isn't quite where I want it to be and I realize that I still have some time to keep working at it. It just makes me nervous that I won't be completely ready by then. I'm probably just overanalyzing myself. I'm good at that.

I'm planning a long run this week on either Tuesday or Wednesday, maybe both days, but probably not. I have both days off this week, which is unusual for me, but that's alright. I need to get a couple good runs in before I move away. I'm starting to get a little nostalgic about my time in Indiana, but I'm excited to move and get adjusted to a new place and environment.

I'm taking tomorrow off from running to relax my muscles. Then Saturday is the race!

Goal: 1000 miles/365 days
So far: 401.63 miles/247 days
To go: 598.37 miles/118 days